Advice needed! What's the best way to handle this situation?

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Advice needed! What's the best way to handle this situation?

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  • Hayley Matthews Hayley Matthews
    DatingAdvice.com
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    rollingeyes
    rollingeyes
    Participant
    August 15, 2019 at 8:58 am #205464
    Advice needed! What's the best way to handle this situation?

    So about a month ago I met this guy on OkCupid. Perfect fit for me, I’d get excited to see a message from him and I could feel he felt the same. He’s French, 29 and in town for work. He asked me on a date. It was beautiful, fun, and I liked him. He kissed me. Asked me if I wanted to go to his place to get more comfortable. I thought it was rather soon to get that intimate, but said yes. We hooked up a little, but ended up spooning to sleep. Nothing really happened. Next day, he made a nice breakfast and he and his apartment mate invited me to go cycling. I said, why not? I thought all of those were really good signs he had liked me as well.

    The things is, this is also the story of how five minutes later I had broken my foot trying to go down a street in a bicycle. First time ever to break any bone whatsoever. The guy was nice enough to take me to the hospital and spend all the necessary time we me there. As soon as he could, though (actually, as soon as said my mom was coming) (…)

    rollingeyes
    rollingeyes
    Participant
    August 15, 2019 at 9:05 am #205465

    (…) he left in a sort of dizzy I-don’t-know-how-to-proceed way. No kisses, no hugs, not anything but a farewell from afar. I thought it was the case he was too traumatized to even consider going on a second date. I thought I’d never hear from him again. One hour later, a text, catching up. Next day, another one. I called him to update him on my hospital situation (I would be there for the next five days, until surgery and being able to go home) and seized the opportunity to let him know I liked him and wanted to see him again. Enormous silence at the other end of the line. Later on I would learn that whenever things get too deep, he has a bit of a problem formulating his speech. He’s a very reserved man and doesn’t like opening up much. He managed to say he liked our conversations, but wasn’t interested in a serious relationship. He also said that the age gap (I’m 22) could be something, as it might indicate I have expectations he can’t satisfy. He brought up that he broke up (…)

    JTW1414
    JTW1414
    Participant
    August 15, 2019 at 10:22 am #205491

    I would worry about your surgery, don’t contact him at all! After your surgery contact him again, if you feel like it. Probably be better to wait at least a week…. Don’t express your feelings through text, make him think you are fine with the broken bone/surgery without his care. Easier said than done but trust me

    rollingeyes
    rollingeyes
    Participant
    August 15, 2019 at 12:53 pm #205466

    (…) with his former girlfriend too months ago and wasn’t ready for commitment or interested in making any plans. Later on I would also know that things between them had ended pretty bad. He said he didn’t want to commit as to not hurt anyone else. Really, really bad, he said. I didn’t ask further. After he said all those things on the phone and knowing I was in a horrible hospital facility in a dark room with a girl all broken from jumping out of the 4th floor… I thought, ok, I don’t deserve this. I told him I wasn’t proposing anything of the sort, but merely saying I liked him and and wanted to see him again. The whole conversation was weird as hell and I hung up and immediately changed his contact name to “asshole”. Two minutes later, a text from him, wishing that tibia could be fixed soon, a text to which I didn’t reply. Next morning, another text, catching up. And it was like this the whole week. I couldn’t tell if he was talking to me out of guilt or out of interest. (…)

    rollingeyes
    rollingeyes
    Participant
    August 15, 2019 at 12:53 pm #205468

    (…) I let him start all of the conversations. And when I got out of the hospital, with broken foot and crutches for the next two months, I asked him out. He said yes. He invited me to his place to read some stuff and talk. We talked of how he felt things would be ethically wrong, because he thought I was looking for a relationship and he didn’t want that at the moment. New conversation of how I just wanted to see what happens. Once more, we hooked up, cooked some meal, and cuddled to sleep.

    During the following week, he didn’t start any conversations whatsoever. Merely answered to my texts, but didn’t seem to want to chat further. I was under the impression he was sort of ghosting me or planning to very soon. I asked him out a couple of times, he had plans and couldn’t go. He said we should meet over the weekend. Weekend arrived, he couldn’t on Saturday and then invited me to cook something at this place Sunday. But said he was tired and wouldn’t last long. It was nice, (…)

    rollingeyes
    rollingeyes
    Participant
    August 15, 2019 at 12:53 pm #205482

    (…) but I could feel something was off. He wasn’t touching me at all. He did talk a lot about his work, though. Seemed interested to know if I thought it was boring. And then it was getting late and his mate arrived and I felt I should go, but inside I swear I wasn’t really understanding anything about this situation. We would walk me downstairs and I gathered the necessary courage to say I wanted to sleep with him. He took some time to understand I actually meant having sex, since we literally slept together a few times. He wasn’t sure that was the best idea. He said I was beautiful and clever, but very emotional and seemed to be very fragile, someone who could get hurt very easily. He didn’t want to be a jerk. But of course he was attracted to me (less attractive considering the state of my leg) but thought having sex would possibly spoil a friendship. As to being friends with benefits, he said it didn’t tend to work well for him in the past. And also that it wouldn’t be true,(…)

    rollingeyes
    rollingeyes
    Participant
    August 15, 2019 at 12:53 pm #205483

    (…), since I probably wanted something more. He also said he hasn’t been with anyone since his last girlfriend, and that he wasn’t ghosting me. As he put it, it was natural distance. And he was really offended when I said I was planing to delete his number (“as if I were some trash”, he said), but I don’t see what else to do… I said of course I wanted something more, but that I should respect that this is who he is and this is what he has to offer. I can’t change that. Also said I’m a connecting person, even though he isn’t. Well, making it short, he basically said “let’s think about it” as to having sex or being friends with benefits or something of the sort. I left with this gorgeous butterflies in my belly, and couldn’t stop thinking about this and fantasizing he was feeling the same. Half an hour later, a text from him with a Wikipedia link to Somoda and Gomorra (apparently, a horrible movie from the 60s) and wink face, to which I replied a Wikipedia link to Song of Songs,(…)

    rollingeyes
    rollingeyes
    Participant
    August 15, 2019 at 12:53 pm #205484

    (…) since we’re talking Bible references (and we’re both Jews and he knows I’m into that stuff). He replied with one of those little guys raising his arms. That was the last I heard of him and now I’m unsure as to whether I should think this is “natural distance” or if this is ghosting or he’s simply taking his time to think about it. What I know is that we’re not talking, and I’m afraid I have been friend-zoned. And I do really like him. And I don’t know what to do, or how to understand what’s really going on or how best to proceed.

    ???

    Wintz89
    Wintz89
    Participant
    August 18, 2019 at 6:15 pm #205620
    Reply To: Advice needed! What's the best way to handle this situation?

    I wouldn’t say it necessarily sounds like he is trying to ghost you. I was trying to formulate a time line in my head for all of this going down as you described, but it honestly sounds like a little too much too soon for him. I remember when I broke up with a serious girlfriend I wanted nothing to do with dating for a while. I’d just give him some space and try not to be pushy or clingy and let him have some time to process things.

    theAngle
    theAngle
    Participant
    August 20, 2019 at 5:25 pm #205784
    Reply To: Advice needed! What's the best way to handle this situation?

    Outch, That’s a rought one. Actually, the whole situation is pretty uncommon and can really go in both direction from there. I agree with JTW1414. You should just accept that this is a weird situation, and maybe make fun about this with him. Don’t try to force anything, if he likes you, he will come back (if you stop to tell him that you like him…)

    random
    random
    Participant
    August 21, 2019 at 11:52 pm #205923
    Reply To: Advice needed! What's the best way to handle this situation?

    It seems like to me that he was just having casual fun and does not want any type of serious connection. I feel that if he were to actually want to see you, he would make the effort and really try. I would say keep trying but know when to stop if what you want does not come out of it.

    richiro
    richiro
    Participant
    August 23, 2019 at 6:31 pm #206089
    Reply To: Advice needed! What's the best way to handle this situation?

    He’s just not ready.
    And he’s worried you’re getting too serious too quick for him and that’s not where eh is right now (and he may be right about that.. you’re kinda pushing).

    Sooo.. my advice is to dial it back and just have fun and spend time together and don’t push the relationship thing with him yet. Just have fun and bring smiles to him and makd sure that whenver he thinkgs of you – a positive thought comes to mind. How fun you are. etc.

    When he’s ready if you’re still in there and having fun with him and he with you and ti’s all positive – then you’re in the saddle and let the development begin.

    Good luck.
    Richiro