After seeing explicit messages, can’t let it go

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After seeing explicit messages, can’t let it go

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  • Hayley Matthews Hayley Matthews
    DatingAdvice.com
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    bann74
    bann74
    Participant
    December 21, 2019 at 1:54 pm #226916
    After seeing explicit messages, can’t let it go

    Hi everyone,

    I’m in my early 40s, and have been with a slightly older woman for most of this year. A couple months ago, I took a random look at her FB messenger and saw a bunch of very flirty exchanges, some of which strongly indicated they had been together in some way, or at least wanted to. This is with a mutual friend who is even a bit older, and is married.

    I confronted her and she was shocked by the allegation, insisting it was just flirty “fun”. She’d told me early on that she was very flirty. This, to me, went beyond that. After a few tough days, I took her at her word, she apologized profusely, realized what she’d done with the chatting was wrong, and promised to stop. We’ve continued the relationship. But I cannot stop obsessively wondering if anything happened, and, in the back of my mind, wonder if it has indeed stopped. They are still communicating, we’re still in the same circle of friends.

    My question is, how can I let go of this, and just trust her?

    bann74
    bann74
    Participant
    December 21, 2019 at 2:10 pm #226917

    Ran out of space but wanted to add…..since the initial incident, I have talked with her about my lingering feelings of hurt and confusion. She has been completely open, approachable, and sincere in everything she says to me. We’re planning a future together, long-term plans, and I don’t for a second doubt her love for me. My main issue with this is, me. I need to find a way to quit obsessing over this, but it’s tough when the guy is still a part of her conversations.

    I’ve happened to see a couple of his messages (she’s not hiding her phone from me) and even the most innocuous message like, “How are you doing?” sets my brain off. It’s ridiculous. So, I’m just hoping to get some help in coping with this so I don’t sabotage what is, overall, a very good thing.

    Thank you.

    dashingscorpio
    dashingscorpio
    Participant
    December 27, 2019 at 11:49 am #227009

    “I cannot stop obsessively wondering if anything happened, and, in the back of my mind, wonder if it has indeed stopped.”
    “how can I let go of this, and just trust her?”
    “I’ve happened to see a couple of his messages ..”

    First of all you need to be HONEST with YOURSELF!
    You are not just “coming across” or “happen to see” these messages!

    YOU snooped through her messenger and also through her phone!
    Admit it to yourself YOU Don’t Trust HER!

    The real question is WHY would you want to stay in a relationship with someone YOU Don’t Trust?
    Do you have a history of sabotaging relationships by being jealous, possessive, or stalking?
    If the answer is NO! Don’t force yourself to ignore “red flags”!

    If something doesn’t (feel right) to you it’ probably not right For YOU.
    She’s admitted she enjoys flirting with other men. If you dislike that she’s not “the one” for you.
    Expecting someone to become who they are not just leads to frustration for you and resentment for them.

    Never separate your mind from your heart when making relationship decisions.
    The purpose of the mind is to protect the heart.

    inmy30s
    inmy30s
    Participant
    December 28, 2019 at 7:06 pm #227020

    well it is hard to unsee those messages
    and now it gives you some amount of anxiety

    you can only control how it affects you
    if it affects you negatively – you should back away from the relationship

    if you acknowledge that she is still keeping her options open,
    but not let that stress you out…
    i think with time, she will gravitate more towards you until this problem fixes itself

    bann74
    bann74
    Participant
    December 30, 2019 at 8:21 am #227013

    You’re absolutely right. Tough advice, but I get it. It’s something I either need to keep working on, or let go, but certainly, I can’t go the rest of my life having doubts.

    I’ll have to work this out, and see what direction I need to go in. Thanks very much for taking the time to respond, it helps.