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terrylParticipantJune 21, 2014 at 9:09 pm #55864
Ok here’s my deal: I’m 36 and I divorced a few years ago. I slowly began to get back into the game of meeting women/dating, only to learn that I can’t find a woman who isn’t already sleeping with someone else. They describe themselves as single, but they’re always just ‘seeing’ someone. My problem is that I don’t know how to get to know a woman who hangs out with me on Wednesday and is in bed with some other guy on Friday. Apparently this is just how things are done, and I am too idealistic to adjust to it all. I lose interest and don’t pursue; I spend my Friday nights alone. My guy friends don’t understand what my hangup is- it doesn’t seem to bother them when they go out with someone who is already sexually active. Are the rest of you guys of the same mindset? Do I just need to ‘come around’ ?
AnonymousInactiveJune 22, 2014 at 11:54 am #55871
Just want to give you some perspective and food for thought. It all depends on what phase the woman is in, just as much as the phase that a guy is in. If you are dating a divorced woman as well, she might need to experience “having fun” for awhile before she is ready to settle into something serious. The thing about “dating” is, it is casual. Plenty of guys I have gone out with were dating other women when we first met but then as we got to know each other, we became more exclusive. That is what “dating” is. It is a process of getting to know each other to see if and how you can fit into each others’ lives. It is quite a high expectation to go on a date with someone you just met and expect that she not be sexually active or dating other men as well. Both men and women are just experiencing people to whatever level meets their needs. If you become someone she is really interested in, above and beyond anyone else in the lineup, then she will be inspired to drop
AnonymousInactiveJune 22, 2014 at 12:13 pm #55872
the other guys and focus her attention on you. The “average” man and woman become sexually active pretty quickly and all for their own reasons. Whatever their reasons are, that is for them to figure out. You will be hard pressed to find any PERSON, not just a female, who is in the dating world and not sexually active. It sounds like you might have some judgment on a woman who is dating and is sexually active in the process. What do you think that means about a woman who does that? That she has no morals? That she is slutty? That she has low standards and doesn’t respect herself? You may want to take a look at that. Everyone has their process and whichever path they choose to experience, is what is needed for them specifically.
If you are looking for a woman who is celibate, look for a woman who is more interested in falling in love and looking for something more serious or a woman who is strongly bonded with a religion such as Christianity. Otherwise, in the “dating”
AnonymousInactiveJune 22, 2014 at 12:22 pm #55873
world, it is just a bunch of people having a lot of different experiences and for the most part, people are pretty okay with that. And when they end up meeting someone they really, really like in the process and are inspired to go to a deeper level, then that is where the conversations begin about becoming more exclusive. But it does not sound like that is your style. And that’s okay. Maybe try to shift your perspective a bit. Instead of trying to find someone who really matches you, make dating more about learning how to develop certain skills. Practice communication, practice setting boundaries, practice your conversational skills, get to know who the heck you are in front of all different kinds of women who come from different cultures and backgrounds. Whether they are dating other people doesn’t matter, because you are just there to learn about yourself and develop your skills. It’s kind of like going back to school. You are there to learn and what other people do, does not
AnonymousInactiveJune 22, 2014 at 12:26 pm #55874
matter. Go out to a bar with your friends and watch the non verbal communication going on everywhere. Practice reading people and their body language, learn how to flirt!!!! Dating is the BEST place ever to develop a very important skill set that you will need to have for a healthy relationship someday. And if this still doesn’t feel like this vibes well for you, then that’s okay too. It’s just not your kind of thing. Maybe go online to sites like E Harmony where people for the most part, are looking to experience something more serious vs. just dating. Hope this helps!
AnonymousInactiveJune 22, 2014 at 12:36 pm #55875
Words by a wise man:
“You may be reading too much into all this…..above all play it cool….. Relax. Remember the whole point is to enjoy yourself. And just see where things lead…..”
Take your own advice!
Deathjoker13ParticipantJune 22, 2014 at 1:48 pm #55881
heidigoodirch please help me in my case too, my crush when i go to start conversation with her she acts like just replying my questions with a smile , and thats it, she never come to talk to me or even handshake with me,( unless i go to start conversation) when am around she acts like i dont exist, furthermore, she keep flirting with other boys around which also she dunno them pretty well. so, is she interested in me?
AnonymousInactiveJune 22, 2014 at 2:13 pm #55883
Hi Deathjoker13….I’m so sorry you are having this experience! Let me ask you this instead….is that the way you would like to be treated? Let’s really think about this here….I imagine that you want a girl who gets excited to see you, who asks you all kinds of questions because she loves getting to know you, who wraps her arms around you without hesitation, who is in complete delight to be holding your hand. That is what feels good! How this other girl is treating you DOES NOT FEEL GOOD! Whether she is interested or not, does not matter. What matters is that you set a standard as to how you are treated. If a lady does not make you feel like the gold that you are, then take your attention elsewhere! This girl is not valuing you and that is not her fault as she is probably not interested. What is YOUR RESPONSIBILITY is to surround yourself with people who think you are amazing and love to be around you. She is not one of them.
terrylParticipantJune 22, 2014 at 11:11 pm #55894
Heidi thank you for your comments…particularly the one about how I should approach dating as a venue for my own self-exploration. Hadn’t ever thought of it that way before (my first real relationship turned into a marriage- haven’t ever really dated much!)
One thing though: you asked if I devalued women who were already sexually active when I went out with them. The answer is NO. I do realize how ridiculous it is to expect someone to sit around alone, never having any companionship, just waiting till the day when they meet me! That’s sort of why I started this thread; I understand this is normal AND reasonable…I just have difficulty with it. Having been in a monogamous relationship since my youth, maybe you can understand how it’s not easy for me to go out with and try to get to know a great girl when I know (or at least have a pretty good idea) that she’s sleeping with someone else. How do I even begin to get close to someone in that situation?
But I knew I needed to
AnonymousInactiveJune 22, 2014 at 11:43 pm #55898
Hi Terryl! I hope you don’t mind me challenging you a bit more. Again, just food for thought in hopes you take a deeper look. But first, before I head in that direction, I want to validate you. Truth be told, although it is “normal” and “reasonable” in the dating world to be exploring and experiencing people on intimate levels, I would venture to say that the majority of people have a hard time with it in the same you do. The thing is, it just is never talked about. It’s kind of like the ignorance is bliss kind of thing. What you don’t know, can’t hurt you. I’m sure plenty of gentleman I have been on dates with were with another woman prior to meeting up with me. I just don’t think about it. I don’t want to know and I would venture to guess that most people feel the same way. No one wants to know the person sitting in front of them was just hooking up with someone else or plans on it later in the week. So here is one skill you MUST learn. BE PRESENT! What is happening
AnonymousInactiveJune 22, 2014 at 11:50 pm #55899
in the moment is ALL that matters. THAT’S IT! Thinking about where she was or will be is a waste of your energy and ruins what you need to be paying attention to IN THE MOMENT. Who she is with you, is all that matters. If you get to a point where you would like to be more exclusive, you have that conversation and make sure you both are on the same page. Until that point, thinking about her being with anyone else is just TORTUROUS! So most people just don’t talk about it or think about it and just learn to enjoy the present moment for what it is. Sometimes though, you end up finding out and it just plain sucks, especially if you like the person. You just deal with it the best you can, or you don’t. It’s up to you.
Now….for the challenge. You say that you are not devaluing women. I am going to challenge you that it is possible that you are on a deeper level. Thing is, you have trouble with women sleeping around because you have some type of story about it or it wouldn’t
AnonymousInactiveJune 22, 2014 at 11:57 pm #55900
bother you. A woman sleeping around means____________________about the kind of person she is (you fill in the blank). I think most people have a story about it. You are not alone here. I personally think women are the worst about this. Women slam other women all the time for “sleeping around”. Sluts, whores, she’s so easy….women participate in this labeling just as much, if not worse than men. There is a looooong sociological history that is involved in this. Women who sleep around are looked down upon by other women. Men love those women as men get their needs met without a lot of work while at the same time not respecting how “easy” she is. So….you are uncomfortable with the idea of dating a girl who is sexually active because whatever meaning or story you are putting on it, is not a positive one. If you truly believed there was nothing wrong with it or it was healthy behavior or something with a positive spin on it,
AnonymousInactiveJune 23, 2014 at 12:01 am #55901
you would have no issues with it whatsoever. Now coming from a marriage and never having really dated, I sure as heck don’t blame you for being uncomfortable with it. Dating is AMAZING this way. It brings up all the judgments and stories you have inside about people and behaviors and choices. When those judgments and stories come into your awareness, it’s a wonderful opportunity to explore them and get to know yourself and hopefully, let those judgments go somehow. There was a period of time in my early 20’s that I decided that I was going to say yes to ANY guy that asked me out on a date. And so I did. Ugly guys, overweight, skinny, nerdy….you name it….I said yes to them all. I did it for this very reason. I wanted to face all the judgments I had about other people. I wanted to see what kind of person I really was in front of all the different types of men out there. Of course it was quite uncomfortable and of course I am SUPER glad people can not read minds, because
AnonymousInactiveJune 23, 2014 at 12:06 am #55904
all of the negative thoughts I had were horrific! It was a huge wake up call for me. Of course I am not judgment free as that is impossible. However, today I am so much more compassionate and accepting of all types of people….but mostly myself. I looked at all the stories and meanings I put onto other people about their choices in life. Reality is, when we judge others, we really are judging ourselves. I was not very kind to myself either, so as I became more accepting of myself, the acceptance of others and their choices was much more effortless.
Last thing I would recommend. Maybe consider deciding not get serious for a period of time. Maybe 6 months? Maybe a year? Allow yourself some time to just experience dating and getting to know yourself. You are in your 30’s and missed a HUGE time of development by missing out on your dating decade (the 20’s). Before you get into another serious relationship, try on all kinds of things. Date different types of women, go on a
AnonymousInactiveJune 23, 2014 at 12:10 am #55905
lot of bad dates, have a lot of amazing and horrible kisses, experience all kinds of embarrassing moments and epic failures mixed in with incredible successes. Learn how to get rejected and be okay with it. Practice approaching women and asking them out and figure out your personal style. BUT DON”T GET SERIOUS! Being comfortable being alone is so important and in my opinion, crucial for a healthy relationship. A person who is always looking for someone to keep them company, even if it is casual, will never be healthy in a relationship. Because in relationship, you will have plenty of moment of being alone and not supported and it is important to be comfortable with that in yourself. I have spent loooong periods of time completely alone. Not dating, not looking, no interests, no attention from anyone. I cannot tell you how uncomfortable that is and how much I grow and learn in that space. Now, I am so comfortable with it! I don’t mind it at all! Whenever I find a man that
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