Am I the only guy who feels this way?

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Am I the only guy who feels this way?

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  • Hayley Matthews Hayley Matthews
    DatingAdvice.com
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    Anonymous
    Anonymous
    Inactive
    June 23, 2014 at 12:13 am #55906
    Reply To: Am I the only guy who feels this way?

    inspires me to be in relationship with him, I will expect many times for him to not be there for me. And that’s okay! I know how to be there for myself! When he is limited and cannot offer me what I need…that’s okay! I know how to take care of myself because I have done it a million times before he showed up in my life.

    Okay….I think I’ve probably exhausted your eyes with all of this reading, so I’ll say goodbye for now and wish you the most amazing journey as you begin to get to know yourself in a very different way. I am so glad you reached out for other opinions! Well done!

    terryl
    terryl
    Participant
    June 23, 2014 at 8:36 am #55895
    Reply To: Am I the only guy who feels this way?

    get over it, you know…be able to work with the reality of it and all. And I thank you once again for all your thoughts and wise words. And for taking the time to listen and explain to a dunce like me the way dating works:). I’m surprised, however, that not a single guy chimed in with any advice. I would still like to hear from one of you, if you have any thoughts or experience on the matter.

    terryl
    terryl
    Participant
    June 23, 2014 at 8:37 am #55916
    Reply To: Am I the only guy who feels this way?

    Are you Buddhist? You sound as though you come from that sort of background, on a couple levels…

    Anyway, as to your challenge…I suppose you ‘could’ be right about me, on some subconscious level, but by definition that eludes me! Consciously, though, I really don’t feel what you suggest. I also distinguish between “sleeping around” and sleeping with someone you’re just seeing (but not in a relationship with). The former calls for all those names you mentioned; the latter is faultless and I don’t deride it a bit. If I’m anything, I’m a romantic, and there isn’t anything romantic about spending time with a girl who will in a day or so be doing all those ‘bedroom things’ with some other guy! And if I’m anything ELSE, I’m an over-thinker and over-analyzer (an ex-philosophy major). An idealist. And I’m stubborn, too, and mostly unwilling to settle for anything less than exactly what I want. And I suppose that makes me somewhat selfish, as well.

    More in a bit..

    Anonymous
    Anonymous
    Inactive
    June 23, 2014 at 4:17 pm #55982
    Reply To: Am I the only guy who feels this way?

    Hahaha! I love your thoughts! No…I am not Buddhist. I am not anything. I am very spiritual and take many truths that exist in many religions. Over-analyzing and over-thinking is just a natural function of needing to understand and even needing to control. I understand completely as I am one of those as well…lol. I am not the type to ever say “get over it”. I am the type to say…hmmmm, why am I believing this or feeling this? I, of course, choose my battles. If it is a belief that interferes with joy and pleasure coming into my life, then absolutely I am going to understand this feeling. If not, I just decide to put it aside and not deal with it at the time. Getting over it however, is much easier for men than women, for the most part.

    I could go into a much more detailed explanation as to the subconscious and how it actually can influence our conscious, but that is just too much to write about…lol. I get that you are a romantic and that you want what you want.

    Anonymous
    Anonymous
    Inactive
    June 23, 2014 at 4:22 pm #55983

    Kudos to you! I love that! So maybe here is a way to approach things, as this is how I currently approach dating with the phase I am in. I spend time with someone and get to know them without any intimacy. If and when I am ready to cross that line, I let them know that I am not asking to be exclusive, but that if they are wanting to cross this line with me, I need it to only be with me. I am not okay being intimate with someone who is with other women. It just doesn’t work for me anymore. In my younger, more experiential days, I did not care. Now I do…so before that line is crossed, there is an agreement….or not. As much as there are unwritten rules about dating, I always advise people to create their own rules as well. You sound very clear about what you want so you just create situations that align with your needs. Go on a million dates and learn and practice and develop some skills, just don’t get intimate. Then if someone inspires you to cross the line,

    Anonymous
    Anonymous
    Inactive
    June 23, 2014 at 4:27 pm #55984

    that needs to be some type of discussion that she is willing to only be intimate with you. If you were a guy who didn’t care because you are doing the same thing, then it wouldn’t really matter. That just doesn’t sound like the kind of guy you are, so you have to make dating fit into you vs. forcing yourself to fit into it. Asking for what you want is selfish, but it is a good selfish. It’s just knowing what works well for you and what doesn’t and honoring that. That, to me, is something that people need to do more often. Set some strong standards and stick by them regardless of how people play the dating game. You play the game however you design it.

    Love your feedback! Love your pic too! It’s funny!

    terryl
    terryl
    Participant
    June 23, 2014 at 8:32 pm #56002

    How strange that those two posts above showed up sometime this morning…I was trying to post them last night, but they weren’t showing up. Anyway-
    I would have fingered you for a Buddhist. You seem to approach things in that spirit. I never wore robes or chanted, but for a time I considered myself ‘philosophically aligned’ with Buddhism, at least until I realized that most religions *generally* assert the same attitude (just clothed in different belief systems and rituals). Now I don’t know what I am!

    Ok getting back on task: I don’t know… Setting strict standards and sticking by them is kind of what landed me here:) I know what you mean though. Your point about developing a certain skill set really impressed me, or I should say resonated with me. What I draw from that is that I need to find a compromise between my standards and the realities of the dating world, and the only way to do that is to stop having a stake in the outcome, as you said.

    terryl
    terryl
    Participant
    June 23, 2014 at 8:47 pm #56003

    That feels like it’s going to take a lot of practice, especially since I don’t approach everywoman I think is cute. Something about them has to jump out at me, force me to pay extra attention to them. Plus, I’m not a bar guy. And, I just cannot bring myself to do the online thing.
    Or suppose I do something like what you did, and just casually ask out any and every girl who gives me that second look or that little smile. Okay we’ll maybe not quite as extreme as what you did! But maybe a watered-down version, being honest and clear about my intentions from the very beginning?? I’m curious to know what you think of this.

    Oh, and I do goofy pictures because my serious pictures actually look more goofy.

    Anonymous
    Anonymous
    Inactive
    June 23, 2014 at 9:10 pm #56004

    I actually grew up as a Christian. Probably around 18ish, I started to question and challenge on deeper levels….I’ve never turned back. I have found that I feel so much more connected to myself and God (that’s just my term, but I have no attachment to it) when I keep myself open to all ideas and philosophies and not align with any particular religious practice. That is an entirely different conversation though and one that could last for days! lol

    So listen…..I invite you to do ALL of the above. When I went through that phase of saying yes to any guy that asked me out, I was ENTIRELY uncomfortable! But that was the point. Dating, at least from my perspective, is NOT about staying cozy and comfortable where you are at. It’s about doing things out of your comfort zone as well! Here’s the thing….you have all these perceptions about your experiences at bars, about doing online dating, about the dating world itself. All it takes is a different viewpoint to change your

    Anonymous
    Anonymous
    Inactive
    June 23, 2014 at 9:14 pm #56005

    experience of it. Dating is hard….there is no way around it! People play games all the time, people are very rarely upfront and honest, most are not the best communicators, a ton of them say 1 thing and then do another, people are so afraid all the time…I mean it’s a sh** show to be honest with you. I did it for a good 15 years! During that time, I experienced everything I needed to. I learned to be comfortable being uncomfortable. I learned to face all my fears and how to do it. Being that you are so new at this at a very late age in your life….just go for it. You will do things that you would never have thought you would do….it’s important to have those moments so you can get those experiences out of the way. You will have some amazing times and then experience heart break….you will have epic fails and feel so embarrassed and want to crawl into a hole. You will be shunned, you can be laughed at, you will be gossiped about, you will be used….that’s the darker side

    Anonymous
    Anonymous
    Inactive
    June 23, 2014 at 9:20 pm #56006

    of dating. There of course are many fun things about it too. I personally want to go into my grave torn up, clothes dirty, hair messed up and with a smile on my face knowing that I lived my life completely. I jumped in and figured it out. I got hurt badly (many times) but I recovered. I was so resilient that I knew I could step into any situation and with complete confidence, knew I would be okay no matter the outcome, because I was that strong to handle life. That’s what dating can offer you should you accept the challenge. You can always play is safe and stay in your comfort zone. To experience dating like I did, you need a certain kind of personality and strength to embrace it that and it’s not for everyone. So that’s your goal…to figure out who the heck you are. Start with no rules and standards and just go by your intuition. Take risks, get uncomfortable, do things you know will make you face your fears. Look at your judgments, your insecurities and then find out

    Anonymous
    Anonymous
    Inactive
    June 23, 2014 at 9:26 pm #56007

    of dating. There of course are many fun things about it too. I personally want to go into my grave torn up, clothes dirty, hair messed up and with a smile on my face knowing that I lived my life completely. I jumped in and figured it out. I got hurt badly (many times) but I recovered. I was so resilient that I knew I could step into any situation with complete confidence, knowing I would be okay no matter the outcome, because I was that strong to handle life. That’s what dating can offer you should you accept the challenge. You can always play is safe and stay in your comfort zone. To experience dating like I did, you need a certain kind of personality and strength to embrace it that way and it’s not for everyone. So that’s your goal…to figure out who the heck you are. Start with no rules and standards and just go by your intuition and what inspires you at the time (like what you said) Take risks, get uncomfortable, do things that you know will make you face your fears.

    Anonymous
    Anonymous
    Inactive
    June 23, 2014 at 9:30 pm #56008

    Then at some point down the road, you may want to get serious again, except this time around, it will be a better choice because you have really seen what is out there and you will know what you really like, because you have had a ton of experiences of what you don’t like! lol So loosen up those strings on the girdle you are wearing and step in it. hehehe Just go do you and let the rest fall into place as it does. It’s quite an adventure if you can take it!

    Well keep doing goofy pictures then because it works for you!!!!

    CrypticCanadian
    CrypticCanadian
    Participant
    June 29, 2014 at 1:40 am #56557

    I understand what you are trying to say, I am a little younger (17) and am just starting to get into the whole dating thing and, although a lot of the girls I meet arnt sleeping around cause they are a little younger, they may see other guys which I don’t neccasarly like. But if that is just how dating works then I guess me and you both have to except it

    justin w
    justin w
    Participant
    July 25, 2014 at 4:07 pm #58261

    Heidi, I’ve been reading some of your advice and I wanted to personally thank you. You’re an amazing woman and I wish there were more like you out there! Thank you for helping me:)

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