Back on the scene after 13 years – In need of a tune up

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Back on the scene after 13 years – In need of a tune up

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  • Hayley Matthews Hayley Matthews
    DatingAdvice.com
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    stonetemplepilot
    stonetemplepilot
    Participant
    January 26, 2019 at 4:29 pm #193509
    Back on the scene after 13 years – In need of a tune up

    Hi Ladies (and fellas if your reading),

    (sigh) Where to begin? ..OK, so I’m back on the dating scene after 13 years. I’m in early-ish 40(s). Background: I’m a very confident guy with his shit together. Good career, no debt, good looking (did I say I was confident?) 🙂 Anyway after being in a 13yr relationship with a woman 5yrs older than me. I met a young woman (maybe mid 20s) who just ignited something in me that I didn’t know was still there. I am very traditional – I believe in making the first move, etc. all that old school stuff. So I made a move for this gal who is a flight attendant. She is gorgeous and was very nice to me, on what was a particularly rough day. I was a gentleman; I paid her a nice complement in a very classy way. She smiled, blushed a little and gave me her phone number; told me to call her. I was on cloud 9 again. I waited a few days to not appear needy, a few txts back and forth and then she ghosted me. Ultimate high to ultimate low.

    stonetemplepilot
    stonetemplepilot
    Participant
    January 26, 2019 at 4:38 pm #193510

    [Stupid 1000 character limit]… CONTINUING… I’m not used to this new world of dating. I heard young people do this ghosting thing.. that felt shit. I haven’t been rejected in 13 yrs so I’m now rebuilding my mental calluses for this. So any tips for how to date younger women? What do they wan’t, what are they thinking? Im starting from step 1 now. Mostly because I maybe 40ish but I feel 30. Thing that contributed to my other relationship collapsing was the age difference. When she turned 45 she started to pull away from me in every-way. Her libido = non-existent, energy = low, love = gone and the physical part is just biology (I know) it’s not meant to be a slam on her, nor am I trying to be a jerk. I’m just explaining why I wan’t to date younger women now. I’m not on social media.. don’t have time for that. How do I keep up with a young girl and make her excited. I would think that being with a guy who is finically stable, physically fit, and attractive would be a good start.

    dashingscorpio
    dashingscorpio
    Participant
    January 28, 2019 at 4:43 am #193555

    Being ghosted is just being rejected.
    One rejection shouldn’t send a “confident guy” scrambling to find ways to cope.
    Rejection is part of life!

    There is no one size fits all for younger women anymore than there is for older women.
    In a world with over 7 Billion people rejection just means: Next!

    ” I would think that being with a guy who is finically stable, physically fit, and attractive would be a good start.”
    Everyone has their own mate selection/screening process and “must haves list”. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder.

    Odds are your {waiting a few days} gave her some time to rethink the age difference between you
    If you’re in your 40s and she’s in her 20s you’re old enough to be her father.

    Unless you’re rich, famous, or extremely good looking (gorgeous women) are not going to see you as a prime option.
    You’d have to compete with all the above plus the hot young guys who hit on her.

    Texting doesn’t replace voice conversations. Build rapport by talking!

    stonetemplepilot
    stonetemplepilot
    Participant
    January 28, 2019 at 8:27 am #193511

    CONTINUING ON… and yes I know I have to do something that just be these things but what can I do? I don’t want to waste time on match or tinder or whatever.. guess I’m trying to start by figuring out what I did wrong then not do that again. So what are young gals into these days?

    stonetemplepilot
    stonetemplepilot
    Participant
    January 29, 2019 at 9:18 am #193659

    Thanks for this reminder and much needed dose of reality. It’s true one thing I cannot offer a younger woman is youth. I remember when I was in my 20s my responsibilities were MUCH less and my objectives were MUCH simpler. For the most part all I wanted was just have fun and roll with whatever came my way. If I can’t see myself in the club until the sunrise, maybe I need to rethink my strategy & I guess you’re right; time to just let this go and move on.

    GJ
    GJ
    Participant
    January 29, 2019 at 10:09 pm #193734

    Welcome to single life in the 21st. century.
    I read your post and have a few questions that will help me to provide you appropriate feed back.
    1. Okay, from your writing it sounds like you were in a thirteen year relationship from approximately age 30 to age 43. What were the actual ages?.
    2. Were you living with your ex?
    3. Did you break up with your ex before you met this 20 year old flight attendant?
    4. What attracted you to your ex initially in the relationship? What kept you together for 13 years?
    5. What was your relationship history before this 13 year relationship?

    I look forward to your responses and providing you my feed back

    stonetemplepilot
    stonetemplepilot
    Participant
    January 31, 2019 at 6:31 pm #193857

    Hi “GJ” thanks for your feedback..

    So, thanks for reminding me we live in the 21st century.

    1. I was 30 she was 35.
    2. yes we lived together for 13 years
    3. we are broken up
    4. I was very, very in love. I’m not gonna try to be a macho douchebag guy and pretend… She had me, and I had her. It was good.. we loved each other. I’ll tell you what changed, was that we no longer had fun together. It became a relationship of convenience we became roommates.
    5. On and off nothing of substance.

    tinkerbell
    tinkerbell
    Participant
    January 31, 2019 at 8:05 pm #193859

    I would try to meet with similar values and obviously similar stamina. I find meeting people close to your age is best. larger age differences are shown to be the least successful relationships

    GJ
    GJ
    Participant
    February 1, 2019 at 12:03 pm #193922

    Hello Stonetemplepilot and thanks for your replies. We are off to a great start.

     

    So from your responses I now understand that:

    1.      You were in your previous long term relationship with woman “X” from approximately age 30 through 43.

    2.      Prior to your relationship with woman “X,” from your teen age years through age 30, your relationship history with women were on and off relationships with nothing of substance. This means no real experience with commitment or a sense of deepening intimacy in your relationships.

     

    To provide you with sound advice it is very important to know your relationship history; what you easily share and that which is harder to share. One very important question that you didn’t really answer was What Attracted You To Woman X and What Held You To Her For 13 Years? Saying I was in love tells you and me very little. What were you specifically attracted to including physical, emotional, psychological, financial, personality, common interests, etc. Be v

    GJ
    GJ
    Participant
    February 1, 2019 at 12:06 pm #193924
    Reply To: Back on the scene after 13 years – In need of a tune up

    Be very specific. This is very important for you. Remember, we take ourselves with us from one relationship to another.

     

    I look forward to reading your responses and continuing this journey to provide you the feedback that you seek.  

    stonetemplepilot
    stonetemplepilot
    Participant
    February 2, 2019 at 9:31 am #194015
    Reply To: Back on the scene after 13 years – In need of a tune up

    Ok – specifically when I met her I was physically attracted to her. When I got to know her she was also very kind.. I thought to myself what a rare combination. She didn’t want to play games (which I was perfectly fine with me) the excitement was more about being together than the chase. She had a good job, she was smart, she came from a good family background. While we were dating in the beginning I’m sure she went out and met other guys who hit on her but I felt as if she wanted to be with me the most. When we were dating she would grab on to me and kiss me like there was no one else she’d rather be with. It was really nice. I thought I hit the lottery and I wasn’t going to let that go.

    GJ
    GJ
    Participant
    February 2, 2019 at 10:11 am #194016
    Reply To: Back on the scene after 13 years – In need of a tune up

    Hello Stonetemplepilot
    I appreciate your replies. They are very helpful for me to figure out the best intervention for you.
    From your replies we now understand that in regards to this woman you were attracted the following:
    1. Her looks and body
    2. She didn’t play games
    3. Her professional status which is also a code work for her “money.”
    4. She made you feel special. You were the chosen one, the special one that was selected
    Now that we have some insight into what this woman provided for you, it is very important to understand what you feel you were providing for this woman to be with you for 13 years. What was she attracted to about you? What did you offer to her that she chose to be with you for 13 years?
    This is very important to work through if you want to move forward with new relationships and not repeat the same dynamics of the past relationship. The other person could have done this and that, but we can’t ignore that we were attracted to and stayed with that person.

    GJ
    GJ
    Participant
    February 2, 2019 at 10:11 am #194017
    Reply To: Back on the scene after 13 years – In need of a tune up

    We take ourselves with us from one relationships to the next with all the unresolved baggage from our past.
    I look forward to your replies so I can continue to provide you feedback that will have a positive impact on where you want to go in your love life

    GJ

    stonetemplepilot
    stonetemplepilot
    Participant
    February 2, 2019 at 1:09 pm #194022
    Reply To: Back on the scene after 13 years – In need of a tune up

    Good observances. She is a good woman and was a positive force in my life. Let me clarify one thing on #3. I wasn’t into “her money”. She isn’t rich; I just liked that she wasn’t broke, or coming to the relationship with massive credit card debit or something. Someone who can handle their own is more attractive to me (I think its that way for most people). Which made me more secure that she wasn’t with me just for a meal ticket.

    Truthfully I never asked her directly why she was into me.. its just not something that ever crossed my mind. But I think she liked me because:

    I was rapidly advancing through my career. Which afforded us a better life as time went on.
    I had experiences she hadn’t and we built new mutual experiences together.
    I kept in shape; exercise and being healthy was important to me.
    We kept it lighthearted and had fun.

    GJ
    GJ
    Participant
    February 2, 2019 at 2:26 pm #194025
    Reply To: Back on the scene after 13 years – In need of a tune up

    Hello Stonetemplepilot

    Thank you for your feedback. I give a great deal of thought to provide you with the appropriate feedback to assist you to move in the direction to get what you desire in your love life.

    Now back to our journey together. It is very interesting your reaction to the word “money.”
    I.From your response the woman’s money is very important to you. It represents her ability to manage herself and to take care of herself as an independent adult. And that means independent from you too. It would be very helpful for you if we could better understand the following:
    1. What are your thoughts and feelings about a woman being more dependent on you?
    2. What are your thoughts and feelings about a woman who is with you for only a meal ticket?
    3. Why are you so concerned about a woman being with you for only your money?

    II.You were in a 13 year relationship and are not sure why this good woman was with you.
    1. Are you curious about this?

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