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What are you waiting for? One mouse click could be all that stands between you and your next romance!September 7, 2018 at 2:30 pm #183684
So. A few days ago my boyfriend handed me his phone so I could send a picture to myself. I was swiping through his open tabs trying to find his photo album and noticed what looked like a tinder inbox with a message that referenced his name. I didn’t click on it because I didn’t want to seem invasive. So I asked him if it was Tinder. He said no and that it was a screenshot from Reddit. Let me also mention that this is a guy who until now has never given me a reason to doubt him. We have been together for 4 years and he’s one of the sweetest most patient guys. I couldn’t let it go… So I downloaded Tinder and started swiping left until I found his profile. I was told that Tinder no longer shows inactive accounts so this seemed odd. I confronted him about it. He pointed out that his profile picture was years old. So I went back and noticed that he uploaded a photo from last year at some point. His excuse was “I was helping a friend out at a wedding.” (continued in the comments……)September 7, 2018 at 2:35 pm #183686
Continued….. He claims that he got rid of the account permanently…. or just hid it, who knows. I’ve been pressing him for days about this and he continues to tell me that he’s not looking for people on Tinder. I also told him that at this point I’ve lost trust…. So my question is, if he really IS guilty, would he still be trying to hide it at this point? He’s as busted as he can be and he’s still denying it. Am I just paranoid at this point and he’s actually innocent? I’ve asked him numerous times if he’d rather have an open relationship and each time he has declined. So I’ve been fair and open minded….
Any input is appreciated!
supdudeParticipantSeptember 7, 2018 at 3:37 pm #183710
I’m going through something similar. I had reached out to an old flame during a fight and it ended up being a slow exchange that lasted a few days. My girlfriend called me out on it, I told her about it, showed her that I told the other girl we couldn’t talk anymore, but that still wasn’t enough for her.
Similar to what you seem to be doing and for the same reason (she lost trust), she continuously questioned me about it, demanded to know every detail, and when I provided them, she still didn’t believe me. As she dug for more and more details, it hurt her and made her trust me even less. All I wanted was to put it behind us, but her loss of trust and almost daily interrogation made our relationship so toxic that eventually I started getting chippy with her and would lose my temper over the smallest things.
Last week we broke up.
If I were you, I’d give him the benefit of the doubt and leave it alone. Things will only get more toxic if you keep questioning him.
WoozyParticipantSeptember 8, 2018 at 5:30 pm #183765
I think that what the previous commenter gets right is that toxicity can grow in a relationship very quickly if one person holds on to bad feelings. You need to decide if his answers are enough for you and if you feel you can give him the benefit of the doubt. If you can and nothing else comes of it, then great! You’ve moved on and can keep going with a healthy relationship. That doesn’t mean that you need to let go of your suspicions completely, but that you’ve decided for yourself that he’s an honest enough person that you trust he would tell you the truth.
If you can’t give him the benefit of the doubt, it may be time to think seriously about where you two are in your relationship. Harboring distrust leads to real problems and can cause both people a lot of pain.
Sit down and think clearly for yourself about how you feel. Approach him calmly and talk it out if you need to. If you really feel you can’t trust him, decide for yourself whether that’s the kind of relationship you want.
dashingscorpioParticipantSeptember 9, 2018 at 12:13 am #183792
“He’s as busted as he can be and he’s still denying it.”
“I’ve lost trust.”
So why are you still with him???
“Am I just paranoid at this point and he’s actually innocent?”
People believe what (they) want to believe.
At first he told you it was a screenshot from Reddit not Tinder.
Then he told you he was “helping a friend” by using (his own photo) on a Tinder profile.
What is the point of “busting someone” if it’s not a “deal breaker”?
Unless you get a kick out of playing detective or cat & mouse games there’s no point in continuing to ask him about it.
Getting an admission of guilt/confession doesn’t erase the crime!
After 4 years of being together the guy lied to your face multiple times about using a dating site to meet other women.
And yet you are giving (him) the option to determine if he wants an open relationship.
He wants one for HIM but not for YOU.
Know yourself, Love yourself, Trust yourself.
Suffering is optional. If you’re unhappy, leave.September 10, 2018 at 8:16 am #183754
The thing is though, he’s denying even recently being on Tinder, when I have all this evidence in front of him. All I want is honesty. I even asked if he logged back in during a fight, because then I WOULD understand it. He said no. I also told him I wasn’t going to break up with him over it. And still no. I’m trying so hard to let it go and trust him. Instead he’s turning it around and trying to make me seem like the one who’s fooling around. He even lied about deleting the account initially until I confronted him about it. Then minutes later it was suddenly gone. :/
WoozyParticipantSeptember 10, 2018 at 12:54 pm #183879
If he’s actively lying to you about this and has cheated on you before, you need to seriously consider what that says about where you are now. You ahouldnt settle on someone who isn’t 100% with you. Do what’s best for you, even if that means taking a little pain for now.
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