breaking toxic relationship patterns

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breaking toxic relationship patterns

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  • Hayley Matthews Hayley Matthews
    DatingAdvice.com
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    sadlife
    sadlife
    Participant
    December 25, 2017 at 9:47 am #160974
    breaking toxic relationship patterns

    I am a 37 year-old single female with not one close or meaningful relationship. Relationship-wise, I have had 3 serious relationships in which I was cheated on. It seems like I repeat the same pattern every time – I fall quickly for a guy, who also reciprocates and tells me that he loves me, I’m the only one, he wants to be in a committed relationship together etc., but ultimately I find out later all of this was a lie and that he either had a woman he was more interested in from the start, and flirting with/pursuing this relationship on the side or was having sex with someone else. I’m understanding more about this pattern, as in I understand why guys lie to me. I am quite intolerant of dishonesty and make that clear from the onset, so I feel like men lie to me about other women they are involved with because I would cut them out of my life the moment I found out the truth. What I’m not sure of is how to deal with this in a future relationship…

    sadlife
    sadlife
    Participant
    December 25, 2017 at 9:49 am #160975

    (Cont’d)…. Should I not be upfront about my morals and values on this subject? Is this an unrealistic expectation that the guy I’m seeing isn’t sleeping with other women at the same time? I really struggle with this because I would think that if you meet someone and are really interested in that person, you wouldn’t be sleeping around with other people, even before you enter a committed relationship together (because this is how I think). Is it unrealistic to want to meet that kind of man? I typically give and put everything I have into a relationship but don’t get the same in return. Just for once I want to be in a relationship where I’m treated with respect and where I’m valued and not taken for granted.

    How do I break these negative relationship patterns? I am willing to do anything at this point to turn my life around. Please help☹

    From Outer Space
    From Outer Space
    Participant
    December 25, 2017 at 11:28 am #160977

    Of course your expectation is not unrealistic. You have every right to expect it, and a very good chance of getting it, so long as the fellow you’re seeing knows this about you and still wants to keep seeing you. So don’t change your expectation – just don’t keep it a secret.

    One other thing. From a sampling of three events, it is possible to infer a pattern. But have you considered whether this pattern is accidental? I mean, just plain old dumb luck? Patterns appear all the time that don’t mean anything. There is a 1 in 8 chance that if you throw a coin 3 times it will come up heads each time. There’s no magic there, it’s just an accidental run of 3. Your pattern is probably the same thing, so don’t go changing your life over it just yet.

    sadlife
    sadlife
    Participant
    December 26, 2017 at 1:53 pm #160978

    Thank you so much for your reply:) Yes, I have always been clear on what my expectations are – this is why I’m questioning if this is the right way to approach the relationship, because when I make it clear that sleeping with other women while we are in a committed relationship is not ok with me, then that almost seems to encourage the guy to lie to me about what he is doing because he knows I won’t tolerate the behavior therefore he HAS to lie to me in order to continue our relationship.

    I wish it was coincidence or bad luck. Unfortunately this has been a pattern in my last several relationships. I’ve had shorter relationships in between in which similar things have happened. There is always some dishonesty factor involving other women and in those instances I found out the lies sooner and was able to end the relationship before it became more involved or serious. I need to figure out why I am attracting/or attracted to these guys.

    From Outer Space
    From Outer Space
    Participant
    December 27, 2017 at 1:26 pm #161023

    If you’re sure it’s a meaningful pattern, then I hesitate to make a guess. Personally, I don’t get it. When I’m in a relationship I put all my feelings and desires into it, and there’s nothing left over. It betrays a shocking lack of depth to want more than one, the way I see it. But maybe that’s just me with my peculiar personality.

    Maybe that’s the answer: You like a certain personality type that has some really attractive qualities, but which tends to come with this one fatal flaw as part of the package.