Communication before first date

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Communication before first date

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  • Hayley Matthews Hayley Matthews
    DatingAdvice.com
    August 8, 2019 at 12:13 am FORUM ANNOUNCEMENT

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    tstudent
    tstudent
    Participant
    January 22, 2019 at 3:22 pm #193182
    Communication before first date

    Hello!

    So, this is a quite common situation. I’ve met a girl one way or another, and due to schedules, we have set the first date quite far to the future (e.g. one week). How should I communicate with her in the meantime, and how much?

    The reason I’m asking this now, is that I met a girl on tinder. We’ve exchanged a few messages, mostly about hobbies, some of which we seem to share. So I asked her to join me for some related event, and she said she was planning to go to one event next weekend, and I’m also going there.

    She is replying my messages quite fast, so she seems somewhat interested. However, she has not asked me anything or otherwise tried to keep the conversation flowing, so I’m feeling like the conversation will turn into an interview if I keep going like this. Maybe I should wait until we can talk face to face. On the other hand, being totally silent for a week doesn’t seem right either, I don’t want to seem disinterested.

    frankt
    frankt
    Participant
    January 22, 2019 at 7:16 pm #193197

    Did she actually agree to go on a date ? Or, is this the impression you are under ?

    “I asked her to join me for some related event, and she said she was planning to go to one event next weekend, and I’m also going there”
    What was her answer to your invitation ? It appears there is no definitive yes or no. It looks like she hedged answering the question.

    “she has not asked me anything or otherwise tried to keep the conversation flowing”
    She is not asking anything about you ? You are doing all of the asking ?
    If you are doing all of the asking, that is not a good sign. I would go silent and see how she responds to it.

    cheeringforlove
    cheeringforlove
    Participant
    January 23, 2019 at 10:59 am #193249

    I agree with “frankt” ^ I think going silent for a bit and waiting to see if she asks something is a good idea, I don’t think she’s interested if you’re constantly the one asking her questions. But don’t go silent for a whole week, if she doesn’t reply in like 2-3 days message her something casual or maybe say something about the event like “did you hear…”. Hope the event goes well, good luck!!

    GJ
    GJ
    Participant
    January 23, 2019 at 7:09 pm #193292

    I understand your dilemma. This is one of the limitations of messaging and text. You have no way to hear the music, the vocal tone connected to the words. We all have to be very careful not to project our own feelings onto the words sent to us. There is really no way for you to know what this woman is thinking, feeling, or if she even intends on meeting you at an event or even shows up as a date or a participant sharing the event. I suggest you consider the following:
    1. Write down a list of the things you felt the two of you had in common.
    2. What in her messages made you want to meet her?
    3. List three things you would like to tell this woman about yourself if you did meet her.
    4. What would you want to know about this woman if you met her?
    Relationships all begin with a connection. Your messaging connection needs to deepen to phone contact and then to live contact in person. Get back to basics and grow your messaging to a phone contact. Stay away from event unless she brings it up.

    tstudent
    tstudent
    Participant
    January 24, 2019 at 12:40 am #193309

    Thanks for the advice! I’m quite confident that she is coming to the event, but if she sees it as a date… thats a different story. I had two days since the previous message, so I sent her a message about a class that I had attended (again, related to common interests), and she replied within five minutes. Even asked one question, but that might be due to the hook, that I left to the message. 😀 So maybe that’s just her communication style. She seems a little bit introverted (and so am I).

    About phone connection, I tend to avoid that totally. I try to first send a few messages, maybe try to find out common interests and what kind of date she might like, and then try to meet face to face as soon as possible.

    tstudent
    tstudent
    Participant
    February 1, 2019 at 1:01 pm #193936

    Still returning to the original question, as the answers mostly focused on this one specific case. So how should I communicate, if I meet a girl, and we are ,for one reason or another, unable to go on a date quickly? Usually I prefer max one week of messaging before date. Also, I’m not really bringing new topics to the conversation, and I’m afraid that if we message too much before the first date, the obvious “getting to know topics” (hobbies, work, school, family…) have been used and it will be more difficult to keep the conversation flowing.

    GJ
    GJ
    Participant
    February 1, 2019 at 4:47 pm #193995

    Hello ts student.

    I am trying to assist you. However I need you to work with me a little so I can provide you with the appropriate feed back. Kindly answer the following:
    1. How old are you?
    2. What is your relationship history
    3. What are you feeling and thinking about yourself when you identify yourself as introverted?

    When you ask how you should communicate, you must start with communicating deeper with yourself. there is no way around this if you want advice that will work. If you answer the questions above I will be happy to continue this talk with you and give you my feedback

    tstudent
    tstudent
    Participant
    February 3, 2019 at 6:07 am #194042

    I’m a little below 30, and absolutely zero experience about relationships. The “closest” was a girl, with whom I had 5 dates on a time period of three months, but I believe she got bored as I could not move things forward. We had no (and I never have with any girl) physical connection, except hugs before/after each date.

    Well, I’m a social person, but I don’t talk a lot. If there’s a conversation going on about something that I’m interested in, sure I will participate. But I don’t often start a new topic in a conversation. And if it’s a group conversation, it’s not uncommon for me just to listen. On dates, I overcome this by having prethought conversation topics, but that works only for a few first dates.

    Just to clarify, my self-esteem is alright. I’m a decent guy, with several interests and a good job, I’m also kind and caring person, also sporty, and I believe my looks are ok, although I’m not the most handsome guy on this planet. 🙂 My skills with girls are just non-existent.

    tstudent
    tstudent
    Participant
    February 3, 2019 at 6:18 am #194043

    Also, about my text communication style: I rather send a bit longer message e.g. once per day, than have a real-time chat where each message is one or two sentences.

    GJ
    GJ
    Participant
    February 3, 2019 at 11:06 am #194050
    Reply To: Communication before first date

    Hello Tsstudent and thanks for your reply. It will greatly help me to give you the appropriate feedback to help you get on the road to getting what you want in a relationship with a woman.
    One of the biggest mistakes people make is to put their focus on how they should communicate to others before they really understand how they are communicating with themselves. There is no way around this if you want to free yourself up get, hold onto, and enjoy a relationship with a woman.

    So let’s get started and see what feelings and thoughts have been a roadblock for with women. Kindly answer the following and I will provide you with my feedback.
    1. What are you feeling and thinking when you ask “we have set the first date quite far to the future (e.g. one week). How should I communicate with her in the meantime, and how much?
    2. Why do you need to communicate with her during the week?

    GJ
    GJ
    Participant
    February 3, 2019 at 11:06 am #194051
    Reply To: Communication before first date

    3. When you say “I’m a social person, but I don’t talk a lot. If there’s a conversation going on about something that I’m interested in, sure I will participate. But I don’t often start a new topic in a conversation. And if it’s a group conversation, it’s not uncommon for me just to listen,” what are you feeling and saying to yourself at these times? Dig deep and try not to give answers that do not begin with “I feel” or “I say to myself.”
    4. On dates, I overcome this by having pre-thought conversation topics, but that works only for a few first dates. Do you realize how anxious you are? What feelings and thoughts are you experiencing that you need to try and control so much during the interaction with others? This is very important for you to understand.
    I look forward to your responses and taking this to the next level helping you to get on the road to having the love life you desire.

    GJ

    tstudent
    tstudent
    Participant
    February 4, 2019 at 10:15 am #194110
    Reply To: Communication before first date

    Hum… I don’t think this is an issue about feelings, but anyway, I appreciate your effort, so I’ll give it a try. 🙂

    1. I’m thinking, that text conversation is a bad method to discuss something meaningful. I also believe, that the more conversation we have before the first date, the more akward it will be, because I have used all my “usual” conversation topics. You could think of me as the complete opposite of creative/spontaneous. 😀

    2. If we exchange messages for a few days, agree about a date, and then I just suddenly go silent for a week… well, the date won’t happen. I kind of lose the momentum and (little) rapport that we’ve established.

    tstudent
    tstudent
    Participant
    February 4, 2019 at 10:33 am #194111
    Reply To: Communication before first date

    3. I’m not feeling anything special. I’m not quiet because I would be nervous or afraid to say what I’m thinking. I’m quiet, because I don’t have anything to say. Maybe it’s because my interests are so different from those of my friends’, and also might be a cultural thing. Also, I’m super passionate about a few topics, but I’m not that kind on a guy who’s a little interested about everything.

    tstudent
    tstudent
    Participant
    February 4, 2019 at 10:43 am #194112
    Reply To: Communication before first date

    4. Again, this is not about feelings. I’ve also been on dates where I made very little effort to keep the conversation going. It’s easy to guess, if there was a second date or not. Usually though, I try to keep the conversation flowing, and it’s not that difficult, if we have not discussed much before (e.g. if I ask her out on a bus stop). On dates, there may be silent moments in conversations and they don’t bother me, but they do bother the girl. Every time “there was no chemistry”, I’m “boring” or “didn’t seem interested” and so on. Besides, traditionally it’s the man’s responsibility to “lead” (make first move, lead conversation, come up with date ideas, escalate on dates…). Not saying that I agree with that model, but girls just get bored if a man doesn’t take the initiative. I would not say that I’m anxious, except natural nervousness on a first date. I used to be really shy, but I started approaching girls in public places, and I wouldn’t categorize myself as shy anymore.

    Alcoholic-69-X
    Alcoholic-69-X
    Participant
    February 4, 2019 at 6:17 pm #194164
    Reply To: Communication before first date

    Hi!

    It’s ok to tell her you can’t wait to ask her questions in person! Just send: “I’m really busy and can’t talk to you now but i can’t wait to ask you all my questions in person.” It’s just 1 week. Send her the specifics for the date (time and place) the day before. Good luck!

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