Constant rejection after meeting up IRL

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Constant rejection after meeting up IRL

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  • Hayley Matthews Hayley Matthews
    DatingAdvice.com
    March 3, 2020 at 10:17 pm FORUM ANNOUNCEMENT

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    JesperT
    JesperT
    Participant
    December 29, 2019 at 11:44 am #227035
    Constant rejection after meeting up IRL

    Guy in early 40s here and rather clueless when it comes to dating, even though I have been on many first dates.
    I almost always get compliments that I look much younger when people see my pictures on the dating apps (which are newly taken and shows clearly what I look like).
    Also I have no greater problem having a nice discussion with the women online, setting up dates and getting them to show up.

    But when we meet it always goes downhill quickly like I was something the cat dragged in. And I am really struggling to understand why.
    My pictures online are accurate, I am not extremely nervous or anything, I can keep a decent conversation.
    But it is like I get the feeling she has given up from the start and don’t really want to be there almost immediately and I get flaked on every time. Sometimes it feels like things are going well, but then she disappears afterwards anyway,
    And no, I don’t smell or have bad breath or so..

    I could really use some input here, especially from women.

    dashingscorpio
    dashingscorpio
    Participant
    December 29, 2019 at 7:16 pm #227051

    There are a variety of reasons why a “first date” goes bad.
    If it’s not an appearance issue or chosen event/activity for the date it’s usually lack of chemistry.

    More often than not people these days are choosing to meet in person too quickly.
    Having a date with someone without having established a rapport is like being a salesman making “cold calls”.
    There’s a higher chance there is going to be a lot awkwardness when two complete strangers get together.
    If you haven’t already established a great rapport , had some flirtatious banter, laughs and so on it’s too soon to meet.

    When I say flirtatious banter and laughter I’m not referring to text messages or emails with emojis and LOL comments.
    I’m talking about having old school (phone) conversations at some point where one hears the tone of another’s voice.
    If the conversation isn’t flowing smoothly, there is no (mutual) flirtation, or sexual innuendo don’t waste your time having a date! Lastly when you do find a suitable prospect choose a dating activity SHE enjoys.
    Make the first date a daytime event and keep it down to 2-3 hours max.

    dashingscorpio
    dashingscorpio
    Participant
    December 29, 2019 at 7:37 pm #227053

    Short casual dates that are fun leaves people wanting more.
    A “marathon date” on the other hand can run out of gas suddenly and feel forced or torturous after a while.

    Make sure you are keeping your options open by having multiple dating prospects in your pipeline.
    Whenever anyone puts all of their eggs in one basket they become too emotionally invested in the outcome of a date.
    It’s hard to RELAX and be yourself when you’re stressing out or worried about what the other person is thinking.

    Imagine yourself being a company who is looking to hire the “right candidate” to fill a key position.
    Not everyone who sends in a resume is contacted by the HR department.
    Not everyone who has a phone interview with a HR rep is passed on to the hiring manager.
    Not everyone who has a phone interview with the hiring manager is invited to have a face to face interview/date.
    Not everyone who has a face to face interview is offered the position.

    My point is: Have a screening process!

    JesperT
    JesperT
    Participant
    December 30, 2019 at 8:21 am #227059

    Yes, of course it is a numbers game in some sense. Some failed dates have to be expected.
    But I think there is something more fundamentally wrong in my approach.
    In some ways I agree it is a good idea to relax and talk to her just like a friend, but if you do that too much she might end up just as a friend with no romantic interest in you. In fact, I think that could be one issue for me.
    I realize the discussions often are a bit too neutral and boring, but it is at the same time hard to avoid if you just start to get to know somebody. Just going for more sensitive and personal topics quickly is hard to do in a smooth way.
    I can hold a conversation, but to steer it in the right direction to build more connection with the woman is hard for me. It feels more like a random process.

    JesperT
    JesperT
    Participant
    December 30, 2019 at 8:21 am #227060

    dashingscorpio, I think you are onto something there.
    I don’t know if there is some appearance issue, but in that case it is beyond my understanding since my pictures are accurate and new.
    I have thought a bit about my body language, maybe I subconsciously act in some way when we meet for the first time so she get a bad feeling from the start?
    What is the most common mistakes there and how should one act when you first see her?

    You are right in that the date often take place far too soon for me. But not too seldom it is the woman taking initiative to that.
    It often almost becomes like a blind date, it feels a bit strange. It seems like their idea is that they expect rapport to form during the date.
    But building rapport that quickly is hard even for more experienced daters. It is always a period at the start when the conversation is going to be a bit neutral and awkward before two people start to get to know each other. And that period seems to be enough to turn most women off.

    dashingscorpio
    dashingscorpio
    Participant
    December 30, 2019 at 9:09 am #227078

    There are a few reasons why many women are in a hurry to go on dates.

    1. If they’re attractive and online they’re being bombarded with suitors and want to eliminate/exclude as quickly as possible.
    2. More often than not the (man) is going to be picking up the tab. If (women) were paying $50-$100+ per date they’d slow down!
    3. Fear of competition and being desperate because they HATE the whole getting to know you dating process.

    The thing is YOU get to dictate your own mate selection/screening process.
    If she finds getting to know someone before committing to having a date to be an issue she’s not “the one” for you!

    Maintain a “buyers mindset” and not a “sellers mindset”. You shouldn’t be the only one trying to be impressive!
    She should be asking you questions about your favorite things, laughing at your jokes, and glad to hear from you.
    If a woman {isn’t behaving like she’s into you} don’t bother wasting your time and money taking her out!
    Things should be mutual.

    dashingscorpio
    dashingscorpio
    Participant
    December 30, 2019 at 9:38 am #227079

    Without intending to a lot of “nice guys” come off as weak kneed/people pleasers.
    Women are attracted to guys with a little bit of “swagger”, confidence, or dare I say cool arrogance.

    The guy who is relaxed in his skin, enjoys his life, and wouldn’t think twice about walking away attracts women!
    So called “nice guys” who put women on a pedestal, follow all of the romance novel protocol are baffled.

    A lot of women are Uncomfortable being around guys who “Worship” them. Some are {Creeped Out} by it.
    Their own family and best friends don’t treat them like that! Being laidback cool wins out.

    He’s not the sort of man who is going to “jump through hoops” or ask for permission to hold a woman’s hand.
    He always flirts on dates and gauges her reactions; if things come across as being mutual he leans in for a good-night kiss.
    If not he moves on. In a world with over 7 Billion people rejection just means: Next!

    The world may not owe you anything but YOU owe yourself the world!

    JesperT
    JesperT
    Participant
    December 30, 2019 at 2:20 pm #227084

    Yes, I get the feeling that your number 1. option is what is happening to me. Probably she often has one or more other guys she thinks are her top choices, but maybe want to see if I maybe will be a positive surprise somehow or else quickly get rid of me.
    If this is the case it is of course very understandable that the date will have a very low chance of success.
    I will be more careful about such rushed dates in the future.

    I know a lot about that “nice guy” problem both by reading about it, listening to people talking about it and from my own experience.
    Some years ago I was the very typical nice guy doing all the nice guy mistakes in the book. And of course it was a disaster.
    Today I am aware of many nice guy traps and don’t put the women on a pedestal the same way I did. But to be honest I probably still have some remains of that behaviour to deal with. I am still far from that cocky, cool arrogant guy.