Dating for Several weeks and need advice after a talk

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Dating for Several weeks and need advice after a talk

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  • Hayley Matthews Hayley Matthews
    DatingAdvice.com
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    Cw12453
    Cw12453
    Participant
    February 23, 2020 at 1:18 pm #230317
    Dating for Several weeks and need advice after a talk

    I have been dating someone for 5 or 6 weeks now which is roughly 8 or 9 dates at this point and have had a lot of fun. She would like to slow down as she just isn’t sure about us. Note: I have been out of the dating world for a while by choice (im in my early 30s) don’t believe I have came on too strongly. In any event she says this is selfish, but she would like to see other people and definitely wants me to try. What she doesn’t want to do is not end what we have. She would like to still get together casually as usual. We both have agreed to let each other know when we go out with someone else and even talk about those times. Worst case if it doesn’t work, we will remain friends. I will mention there have been many failed relationships on her end. We talked about things in common and wants in a partner, and how she would like to talk about certain thing. I feel like you really need to get to know the person a bit and all that becomes easier.

    Cw12453
    Cw12453
    Participant
    February 23, 2020 at 1:20 pm #230318

    Just to complete above. I am wondering if she is just scared because I am so nice and polite and could be that person but want reassurances that is true. She did seem to have concern over my lack of dating. Not sure I buy that rationale. I am not socially awkward. I might have crowded her a little bit since she is so independent, but I wasn’t the one who initiating kissing, hand holding, etc. I was going slow as we discussed and wanting to do it right.

    dashingscorpio
    dashingscorpio
    Participant
    February 24, 2020 at 3:36 pm #230371

    I assume that you met her online since you’ve posted this question in the online section.
    Having 8-9 dates in only 5 or 6 weeks seems like a lot.
    Generally speaking spend a little time getting to know each other before deciding to go out.

    “I wasn’t the one who initiating kissing, hand holding,”
    “I was going slow as we discussed and wanting to do it right.”

    There are two types of “going slow”

    1. Someone is NOT romantically interested in the other person so they tell them “lets be friends first”.
    (If there is any genuine chemistry/physical attraction after 1 1/2 months of dating a lot of folks have sex.)

    2. They’re up for having sex and going out on dates for a “good time” but do not want to “get serious”.
    Essentially they’re not looking for a commitment or “exclusive relationship”. They want to be free date others.

    Since you said (she) was initiating the kissing and hand holding it sounds like she was into #2.
    You were acting like you were a “couple”.

    “We both have agreed to let each other know when we go out with someone else”
    Something tells me that was YOUR suggestion and not hers.
    Keep your options open by dating other women, take her out now and then for fun and sex like she wants.

    dashingscorpio
    dashingscorpio
    Participant
    February 24, 2020 at 3:54 pm #230374

    “She would like to still get together casually as usual.”
    That statement tells you all you need to know!

    Right now she doesn’t want to be in a relationship.
    A “friends with benefits” arrangement would probably be fine with (her).
    However only you know if YOU could handle that.
    You have to be honest with yourself.

    Another possibility is she’s offering you friendship as a “consolation prize”.
    Essentially rejecting you romantically and not wanting to feel like a “bad guy”.

    Some folks have an “all or nothing approach” to dating.
    They date (one person) at a time and become jealous if that person is dating others even when they’re NOT a couple!
    Essentially they attach and become emotionally invested early on.

    Right now the “timing” seems to be the issue. You want something “serious’ and she wants something “casual”.
    If you can’t be cool with the both of dating and possibly having sex with others you should just move on.
    The worst case scenario is for you to {pretend to go along} with the hopes of changing her mind.
    You’ll either end up in the “friend zone” or get your heart broken.

    The best thing for you to do is date other women!

    Cw12453
    Cw12453
    Participant
    February 25, 2020 at 8:24 am #230384

    What you are saying makes sense. So the best I can respond is as such. You are right, it was a lot fast. She has said as much with that. Working around her schedule is the trick due to work. Mine is very easy. We spend about a month talking back and forth online (there is that answer). We genuinely like the same things which is the attraction, but different people. Slow as I have come to understand it italking s to not go so fast it gets stale. I think what is happening here is I hear what you are saying, but it kind of a blur right. She has offered up as much that this works and she really does like me (cliche I know). I think honestly what has happened here is 1. To much to fast and 2. She probably ran a bit because I was too forthcoming. The suggestion of letting each other know was hers not mine. Frankly, it’s been 5-6 weeks I have no.idea what I want. I don’t have enough data to know this just yet. I wanted to keep it calm and slow. Been out of the game. For a whil

    Cw12453
    Cw12453
    Participant
    February 25, 2020 at 8:24 am #230387

    I will try to go through some of your points here. I will mention that none of this generally typical. I understand what you are saying and that would make total sense to me, but she just seems genuinely confused as to what she wants. She wants a relationship, but doesn’t want to be hurt. She has been hurt numerous time of the last few years of doing this online things and is very cautious if you will. She has given me the out if I don’t want to wait while she figures it out. I am new to the game, but have seen it play out for my friends and generally have a good sense of direction of dos and don’ts. Did I make a rookie mistaken and probably tell more than I should’ve and made her run, absolutely. Which is where I do think the problem is.

    So yes, the number of dates in the period of time mentioned is fast. No doubt about it. I have an easy schedule, so we have to work with hers due to work.

    Cw12453
    Cw12453
    Participant
    February 25, 2020 at 8:24 am #230390

    The seeing other people and telling each other was her idea actually, not mine. Now, I would tend to agree with the friends with benefits thing if we had engaged in intimacy to this point. I think the going out casually thing is not quite as it seems. She really wanted some space since we were seeing each other so much. We have a lot in common and have a lot of fun. We have told one another that we do like one another and we are attracted to one another which adds another level of confusion to this whole thing. Like I said she wants a relationship, just her working of things and reasoning isn’t making sense. It screams commitment issues to me. Like we got really close and suddenly she is pushing away (as she told me she does). It has been a short period of time. I am by no means ready to lock into a commitment regardless of what anyone says. I want to get to know her more and let things fly.

    Cw12453
    Cw12453
    Participant
    March 8, 2020 at 9:44 am #231095

    Just as a follow up. We are back on track. Committed towards moving into a serious relationship. We went out to dinner and wandered around a little town the other night and talked more. I obviously gave her space and she reciprocated after by getting closer and communicating with me more. It really was as cut and dry as being panicked and scared. We both are. We have independent lives and it is a big change. One we are willing to go on the adventure for. As far as the seeing other people, she never had any intentions of that and she realizes that hurt.. She gave me the out to run away, but I dug my heels in. As I said to her, I’m not running, you are worth it.

    imcharlottex
    imcharlottex
    Participant
    March 30, 2020 at 10:42 am #232289

    yes

    stacyli
    stacyli
    Participant
    April 13, 2020 at 8:22 am #232740
    Reply To: Dating for Several weeks and need advice after a talk