Dating in my 40s/guys expecting sex on first dates/early on

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Dating in my 40s/guys expecting sex on first dates/early on

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  • Hayley Matthews Hayley Matthews
    DatingAdvice.com
    August 8, 2019 at 10:54 am FORUM ANNOUNCEMENT

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    lilredwriter
    lilredwriter
    Participant
    July 15, 2019 at 11:36 am #203703
    Dating in my 40s/guys expecting sex on first dates/early on

    Hello! I’m 42 years old and I’m at the point where I’m considering giving up on dating. It seems that men expect sex on the first date or first few dates. It’s getting REALLY old. Are all men like this now? It seems all the advice out there is to go for it and there is no stigma anymore over first-date sex. What if I don’t WANT to do it? I’m not just horny all the time and waiting for a chance. I’m hoping to find a true connection and maybe a life partner. I want to get to know someone before creating a physical bond. I develop an emotional attachment when I sleep with someone — even when I think it’s just physical, I always feel differently afterwards. I’m protecting myself by waiting to see if someone is genuinely interested in me before jumping in bed. But I’ve had more than one guy tell me that I’m not 16 anymore and it’s old fashioned not to have sex right away. I stand my ground but the guys disappear. What gives? Anyone else have this experience?

    Brrr in Alaska
    Brrr in Alaska
    Participant
    July 16, 2019 at 1:38 am #203749

    Bottom line, it’s your choice if you dont want to have sex on the first, third or fifth date. It might be because you haven’t yet dated Mr. Right. It might be other issues. The point is, you cant go on dates with the thought in the back of your mind of what someone or anyone else’s expectations might be. Sex should happen when it feels right, feels natural and safe, not forced. They have a word for that. It’s called rape.

    paulyvous
    paulyvous
    Participant
    July 16, 2019 at 5:54 pm #203819

    You mentioned emotional attachment was how you felt when you are intimate. It rang a bell with me when I met a Girl online and we had sex on the third date. After that she just ghosted me and made some excuse that she was sick. Like you I felt an emotional attachment and supported her online through her fake illness and all the time she was looking for other dates. Sleeping with someone to a lot of people is a game changer. That emotional attachment brings things up a level and if you don’t know someone at least quite well all kinds of nasty stuff could lie ahead. You are 100% correct to say no on the 1st date. Like the other Lady said. It ‘s when you are totally sure.

    angelina192
    angelina192
    Participant
    July 17, 2019 at 9:58 am #203832

    OMG tell me about it, I am 48 and all I get is married men hitting on me. If you are looking for connection don’t sleep with them until it’s there. When people are older there isn’t much out there for us so I reckon you will be ok if you don’t sleep with them because they won’t have another on speed dial and most older men are looking for connection too.

    chrishen
    chrishen
    Participant
    August 3, 2019 at 1:42 am #204785

    They’re trying to impose their frame and boundaries onto yours. Thats pretty normal, but doesn’t mean you should change or bend. Your boundaries seem completely fine and understandable to me.

    I mean are these people calling you again after you deny them? So, that tells you it was just another “notch” for them. Your boundaries protected you!

    With men, you need to pay attention to that investment (Not necessarily monetary – more like effort). Someone will be willing to respect your boundaries eventually and put some investment into spending time doing other things with you. Just need to know where to look.

    KevinMcCabe
    KevinMcCabe
    Participant
    August 13, 2019 at 8:35 am #205293

    Women has generally made themselves so easy and so available (Tinder culture) and not having sex on first date considers as failure.

    LarsFromMars
    LarsFromMars
    Participant
    August 13, 2019 at 10:41 am #205321

    One point of view worth considering is the notion that men are only able to emotionally deepen into a relationship through the activation of shared physicality. Basically, I’m proposing that many men cannot access their emotions cognitively; they can only even start to feel love, if their emotions are woken up through their bodies. So, when men want to get physical right away, this is their attempt to get emotional right away. Of course most men do not have the cognitive-emotional bridges necessary to then hold on to the emotional connectivity established through sexual engagement – so they abandon the connection after sex.
    This is not to say that you should have early sex – you should not. But it might help to understand what is going on in the head of these guys. The only emotional language they speak is through the body, and you wont be able to touch their souls without touching their bodies.