Depressed BF won't talk to me

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Depressed BF won't talk to me

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  • Hayley Matthews Hayley Matthews
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    TWill21
    TWill21
    Participant
    October 5, 2018 at 2:34 am #186236
    Depressed BF won't talk to me

    My bf and I have been dating for a little over a year. He struggles with anxiety and depression. He has these deeply depressed moments every few months. I usually am able to work with him and help him feel better…not the case this time. I am now going on 5 days without any communication with him. I have sent him encouraging texts and gave him space by not texting him all day. I tried calling him the first day but I’m going restless so I called him again today after work. He did not answer. I called two more times and he sent me to voicemail. What am I suppose to do? He answers my text sometimes but he isn’t addressing what’s bothering him and he is not responsive. I will randomly wake up to an “I love you” text at 3 AM. This happened the first three days but come on…It has been 5 days now. He still can’t tell me what’s going on? I basically blew up on him through. What do I do?

    TWill21
    TWill21
    Participant
    October 5, 2018 at 2:36 am #186237

    My texts messages to him:
    Why are you avoiding me? How long is this going to go on? I am reaching out to help and you aren’t even responding. It’s been 5 days. I cannot do this for another 5 days and I won’t. I’ve offered to take you out of the environment. I’ve offered to drive you to see your friends. I ‘ve offered to take you to the park to work out and do yoga. I feel like I’m trying and you aren’t. I’m not mad I’m just really disappointed and frustrated. I need to know what’s going so I can help.

    I know you don’t wanna feel like this either. I’m really trying to communicate and help, but you are literally giving me nothing. I don’t know if this is triggered by something or what.

    Sorry baby. I am just frustrated and I’m concerned. I’ll just continue to give you space.

    richiro
    richiro
    Participant
    October 5, 2018 at 5:29 pm #186398

    you’re not really giving him space. you’re making it about you when HE is the one depressed.
    that’s the problem.

    make it about him. give him true space.
    text EVERY NOW AND THEN (like 2X/day at MOST) just to say “hi.. was thinking about you.. how are you? i’m here when you wanna talk” and leave it at that. none of this ‘WHy are you IGNORING ME?”

    that makes it about you and not him and that’s the worst thing you can do and the quickest way to push him away during HIS TIME OF NEED (it’s not YOUR time of need).

    sammisam
    sammisam
    Participant
    October 7, 2018 at 2:56 pm #186414

    Maybe when he is out of his low, ask him how you can best support him?

    dashingscorpio
    dashingscorpio
    Participant
    October 7, 2018 at 3:58 pm #186418

    Life is a (personal) journey!

    “He struggles with anxiety and depression. He has these deeply depressed moments every few months.”
    These traits aren’t exactly on most women’s “must haves list” for boyfriends.

    Most people want to date people who are healthy mentally and physically.
    It’s not your job to FIX anyone. Your mate shouldn’t be a “project” you take on.
    He probably needs therapy.
    Now he’s got (you) feeling depressed because he’s shutting you out.

    Love yourself enough to go find a guy who is not so self absorbed and narcissistic.
    Suffering is optional. Move on!

    Unless you love being a co-dependent, dealing with drama, and uncertainty you should be gone.
    The world does not revolve around him. If someone doesn’t want your help move on.
    Life is too short to be trying to change water into wine.

    You need to date guys with less “baggage”. There are no whoopie cookies for being a martyr.
    The world may not owe you anything but (you) owe yourself the world!

    Markymark_81
    Markymark_81
    Participant
    October 8, 2018 at 6:12 am #186425

    He received any medication at the moment? If I can ask..it can really help…also…hope he is not using alcohol and/or drugs…as it will just make it worse..goodluck.

    sara5269
    sara5269
    Participant
    October 8, 2018 at 6:53 am #186426

    Just text him a long paragraph telling him how much you love him and how you’ll always be there for him no matter what and then drop it and wait for him to talk to you. There’s nothing else you can do for the moment anyways

    Liam1997
    Liam1997
    Participant
    October 8, 2018 at 7:36 pm #186440

    Tell him how much you actually care about in a long paragraph. If you don’t live together surprise him by showing up it will definitely make him feel better knowing someone really does want to be there for him

    TWill21
    TWill21
    Participant
    October 9, 2018 at 8:26 am #186403

    Thank you so much! I needed to hear that.

    TWill21
    TWill21
    Participant
    October 9, 2018 at 8:26 am #186438

    Update for anyone who cares:
    We met yesterday. He apologized. We had a good day together until the end. His anxiety gets really bad at night. He started shaking and he asked me to leave b/c he did not want me to see him like that. I left and he called me saying he still wanted to see me tomorrow(which is today) to help him fix his car and hang out. So far it is noon… I have called him twice and texted him twice. So I’m done. We planned to do this stuff in the morning b/c I have work in the afternoon. So I guess we are back on him being absent. I’m trying really hard to be supportive and give him space. I just texted him and told him that I am not angry and I love him but we can just do it another time. From meeting him yesterday I learned he hasn’t been taking one of his medications because it makes him drowsy. His depression comes in waves but never this bad. He met with his friends and everything, but he just cut me out…Not even letting me know if he’s okay.

    TWill21
    TWill21
    Participant
    October 9, 2018 at 8:26 am #186439

    Also, I don’t see him as a project or anything. I’m not a therapist. I’m his girlfriend. He mentioned before this weirdness that he wanted to marry me when I’m done with college. I don’t know if I even want to be in this anymore. It’s so taxing. After he I learned that he still hung out with his friends and everything… It really changed perspective for me. I feel like he WAS/IS avoiding me but I don’t know why. I have never harshly judged him or anything like that.

    dashingscorpio
    dashingscorpio
    Participant
    October 9, 2018 at 1:46 pm #186517
    Reply To: Depressed BF won't talk to me

    “I don’t know if I even want to be in this anymore. It’s so taxing.”

    You shouldn’t have to go through all these changes in order to have a boyfriend.
    I read somewhere “Love is like a fart: If you have to force it, it’s probably sh*t”
    Sounds like this relationship is too much work and there’s no real end in sight.

    Too many romance novels and Hollywood movies have convinced people to romanticize drama in relationships.
    You don’t want to invest another week, month, or God forbid Year (and then some) living in this nightmare.
    If you want something different (you) have to do something different. Move on.
    The goal is to find someone who (already is) the kind of person you want to be with.
    Co-dependency is a trap.

    “There’s a difference between giving up and knowing when you have had enough.” – Anonymous

    richiro
    richiro
    Participant
    October 9, 2018 at 8:45 pm #186564
    Reply To: Depressed BF won't talk to me

    I totally understand. I’ve dated 2 or 3 bi-polar or manic-depressives. Its’ VERY TOUGH. It’s not for everybody – and tha’ts not a knock on you or me or anybody else that dates them. IT IS tough. And we deserve to be happy as well.

    You do have to decide 2 things: 1) if he’s the one that’s “worth it” to do all this and accept a relationship with these dynamics, and 2) if you are the right person to be there for them and can be.

    in my life i’ve only once decided “yes” on both but i ended up being wrong and that’s okay. But the other times I decided i wasn’t the right person to do that for them or they weren’t the right person for me to want to do it for and that’s fair. They deserve the right person who can handle it too for their sakes.. and we deserve the right to be happy too and decide we can’t be in these situations.

    If you feel you’ve given it your all and won’t look back regretting maybe that you didn’t do more – then maybe it’s time to walk and have a fresh start elsewhere.

    Anon90
    Anon90
    Participant
    October 10, 2018 at 11:49 am #186645
    Reply To: Depressed BF won't talk to me

    If it is depression. It can completely cloud everything he knows and loves. It makes him pull away due to not thinking he is worth it. There is a lot of complications with this. You have a couple choices.

    Wait it out. (the most painful method).
    Nudge him to get help with his depression.
    Move on. This can be a painful road, but has the lowest risk involved.

    Stellarvision
    Stellarvision
    Participant
    October 13, 2018 at 10:34 pm #186992
    Reply To: Depressed BF won't talk to me

    He said he wanted to hang out, but then doesn’t respond to you the next day and meets with his friends instead? Yeah you deserve better.

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