Does anyone else ONLY fall for men you shouldnt date?

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Does anyone else ONLY fall for men you shouldnt date?

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  • Hayley Matthews Hayley Matthews
    DatingAdvice.com
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    hopelessinlove
    hopelessinlove
    Participant
    April 11, 2018 at 4:36 pm #170245
    Does anyone else ONLY fall for men you shouldnt date?

    Hello, I have a problem!

    I’ve only had 2 relationships so far but I have dated quite a lot after my second one which has made me realize that I am not attracted to guys who like me! And with that I mean that I don’t seem to be attracted to emotionally avialable men who has stated that they would like to have a serious relationship with me and that they have strong feelings for me, guys who text me everyday all day and who is eager to spend time with me.

    I think back and even realize that I started losing interest in my ex when he first said he loved me! I felt trapped right away and my first thought was literally “damn now i’m stuck” and well… I cringed. We’ve stayed friends since I broke up months later though but my interest came back once he no longer had feelings for me and he rejected me instead… And it was then that I realized this issue of mine. Even now I have just started dating a really sweet guy and I already feel suffocated. What is wrong with me?!

    dashingscorpio
    dashingscorpio
    Participant
    April 11, 2018 at 5:53 pm #170277

    Actually what you describe is fairly common for (young women). A lot of young women go through a “bad boy” phase.
    You could stick such a woman in a room with five guys and have four of them drop to their knees extending their heart towards her.
    While the 5th guy sits in a corner sipping on a cocktail acting as if she does not exist.
    That will be “the guy” she wants to get to know!
    She sees him as a “mystery” or a “challenge” who will make her (earn) his attention and affection.
    It’s as if her motto is: “We ignore those who adore us and adore those who ignore us.”
    If she learns other women are interested in him that makes his stock rise even higher. She has to prove to herself she can “win” him.
    Some people speculate this type of attraction may stem from a household where love and attention from parents wasn’t given freely or easily.
    This makes the woman feel “uncomfortable” with men who lavish praise upon her. She puts “nice guys” in her “friend zone”.
    Eventually she changes

    hopelessinlove
    hopelessinlove
    Participant
    April 11, 2018 at 6:06 pm #170278

    That makes sense. My ex was hard to get in the beginning so I felt very special when he, a guy whos freedom is very important to him, gave that up for a relationship with me. I come from a very loving home though but never been close to my father though.

    I’m not exactly someone who can just have fun with the bad boys either like some girls can. I am a very calm and careful person who likes hates parties. so I don’t gain anything from being like this lol. It’s like I want a relationship… But with the “bad boys” yet I know it’s exhausting. I loved my first bf to death but he was a constant chase, unfaithful and rude except when it suited him to be “the perfect boyfriend” and in those times he REALLY was.

    How can I fix this behavior of mine? It feels like my brain is wired wrong or something lol.

    desiree81
    desiree81
    Participant
    April 11, 2018 at 6:55 pm #170280

    Hello Hun. The problem that you have is one I’ve had for years and i’m only recently realizing what is wrong with me and working on it. you pick men that are emotionally unavailable because you are subconsciously emotionally unavailable yourself. for whatever reason, you really desire a relationship but are also terrified of being in one. so you pick men that are not going to give you what you want so you can blame them for your not being in a relationship. I know the feelings that you have for these men are very real and i also know the disinterest you have in men that want a serious relationship are also very real… i have been there! i’m going to tell you what i am doing and hopefully it helps you. I had to identify the reasons i was afraid of being in a relationship (fear of failing)and i had to conquer that first. I had to also deal with any self-esteem issues that i had that made me feel, even if i didn’t consciously recognize those feelings, that i wasn’t worthy of being loved.

    Coach_Michael21
    Coach_Michael21
    Participant
    April 11, 2018 at 10:56 pm #170286

    Hello hopelessinlove,

    I think that both desiree and dashing scorpio hit the nail on the head when they talked about the possibility that either you are unavailable yourself in many ways, and that you also see unavailable men as a challenge to try and win over. Let’s face it, we love challenges, and winning over a person who is easily “winnable” is oftentimes seen as a bit hollow and boring. We want to know that we had to put in some work to get the ones we love! I get it. I’ve been there, sometimes I still act this way. The good news is that you are recognizing this pattern, and that is half the battle. Now that you know what’s going on, you can take steps to change.

    2 key things to keep in mind: In all honesty, how ready are you to actually get into a good, solid relationship now? Is there anything that may be holding you back? Secondly, what are the most important qualities you look for in a partner? Hopefully that don’t include unavailability. Focus on those.

    dashingscorpio
    dashingscorpio
    Participant
    April 13, 2018 at 1:16 am #170411

    hopelessinlove,,

    I agree with Coach_Michael21 in that (your recognizing the issue) puts you ahead of most people in the same situation.
    Sometimes doing the “right thing” or “healthy thing” doesn’t come instinctively or natural to us.
    Much like eating more vegetables, drinking 8 glasses of water, and getting an hour of daily exercise.
    People (choose) to do those things because they know a healthy lifestyle choice is better for them.
    Eventually people get tired of having the same bad results and therefore make a {conscious decision} to change.
    If you want something different (you) have to do something different.

    An old adage goes: “If you find yourself in a hole the first thing you want to do is stop digging.”
    Instead of going for the emotionally unavailable guys/bad boys try dating someone who is genuinely “nice”.
    Mature relationships are not the most exciting but they’re built on a solid foundation which can lead to long term happiness.
    We start looking to avoid drama.

    hopelessinlove
    hopelessinlove
    Participant
    April 13, 2018 at 2:49 pm #170500

    Thank you all for your responses. <3

    Do you think I should keep seeing the “nice guy” I just started dating?

    He sort of the has same issue as me as he has fallen for the wrong women before and been hurt and well now i’m afraid i’ll end up hurting him too, he wouldn’t be the first… I find myself reflecting A LOT though! I have a lot in common with him and other “nice guys” i’ve met and I see my own flaws and bad choices in them and start to dislike and distance myself from them when I should probably see us having things in common as positive when it would mean we can get along and understand each other well… So it makes no sense. There is also the “opposites attract”-saying that leaves me wondering if I should really date someone I have a lot in common with or if i’ll end up unhappy, or maybe I might’ve misunderstood the whole thing.

    Coach_Michael21
    Coach_Michael21
    Participant
    April 13, 2018 at 9:46 pm #170537

    hopelessinlove,

    In regards to the “nice guy” what do you feel about him? Do you honestly see this guy as being relationship material, or are you with him because you feel like he’s the best you can do at the moment? If it’s the latter, don’t ignore your feelings. I would suggest thinking seriously about moving on, because I can tell you from experience there’s no worse feeling than feeling like you’ve settled for someone. I have been in relationships where this has happened, and it is not fair to either party.

    Fortunately, men come in a lot more complex varieties than the “nice guy” who I have a lot in common with but don’t feel much excitement towards, and the “bad boy” who makes me feel alive, but who is emotionally unavailable. It’s not a black and white dichotomy. It’s more like a continuum. You need to find someone who strokes that balance between making you feel that passion, yet still being available to you.

    hopelessinlove
    hopelessinlove
    Participant
    April 14, 2018 at 7:46 am #170549
    Reply To: Does anyone else ONLY fall for men you shouldnt date?

    from my opinion its not fault of you don’t worry.dont ignore ur feelings

    True… But that is also like saying it’s not a persons fault if they’re addicted to fast food and can’t eat anything else although it’s harming them. At some point they gotta realize its a bad habit and give it up and switch to healthy foods although at first they may not like it because it’s not what they’re used to.
    I see my problem as the same… I could either continue dating jerks and end up in an abusive marriage one day and scar my future kids for life as well as myself, or I could find a way to change this behavior of mine. Changes are usually not easy…

    hopelessinlove
    hopelessinlove
    Participant
    April 14, 2018 at 7:52 am #170550
    Reply To: Does anyone else ONLY fall for men you shouldnt date?

    Coach_Michael21 : I guess so but it’s no different with any nice guy i’ve met, even the ones more adventerous and fun, I think it could be because I am looking for that instant chemistry I had with my first boyfriend and usually have with the “bad boys”. It’s some kind of vibe they have I think… It sets of an instant attraction. I also know attraction AND love can grow with time and the more you get to know someone… I wonder if it could be worth it to see if that could happen for me as well or if I should wait for someone i’ll feel that with right away. A lot of people say “when you meet ‘the one’ you know it right away'” and others say it took them a long time to realize someone was right for them… Not sure which one is more common lol.

    This guy i’m seeing now I like… But I also don’t. I’m not really sure what I feel it changes all the time and I have a lot of things that make me feel unsure which has mostly do to with the fact that he’s a bit of an oddball… But then again so am I!

    ChiTown300
    ChiTown300
    Participant
    April 14, 2018 at 1:14 pm #170553
    Reply To: Does anyone else ONLY fall for men you shouldnt date?

    Welcome to the club

    hopelessinlove
    hopelessinlove
    Participant
    April 15, 2018 at 11:12 am #170598
    Reply To: Does anyone else ONLY fall for men you shouldnt date?

    Welcome to the club

    Thanks! Lol

    Coach_Michael21
    Coach_Michael21
    Participant
    April 16, 2018 at 9:06 am #170611
    Reply To: Does anyone else ONLY fall for men you shouldnt date?

    Hopelessinlove,

    Thanks for clarifying some things.

    1) In regards to the one you’re seeing now- I understand the idea of wanting to wait to see if things can develop over time. My experience with both male and female clients is that there comes a certain point where they’ve waited too long, and nothing really comes of it. My general rule of thumb is that if you’ve given the guy three dates and you’re still unsure or not all that excited about the prospect of continuing to see him, it’s probably time to move on. However, only you can decide how many chances you’re willing to give it. There’s a great article out there called “[email protected]%$ Yes… or No.” by Mark Manson. The article itself is implied for men, but I think the general principle might also apply in your case as well. It may be worth a read.

    Coach_Michael21
    Coach_Michael21
    Participant
    April 16, 2018 at 9:07 am #170612
    Reply To: Does anyone else ONLY fall for men you shouldnt date?

    2) Regarding “Instant Chemistry”. Yes, this is a very attractive and seductive idea. We see someone who looks cool or badass, and we instantly feel a sense of great attraction. It’s really hard not to get carried away, but one needs to try and look at things objectively, and pay attention to how he treats you and interacts with you. If you find he’s constantly ignoring you and treating you unlike how you want to be treated, that needs to trump everything else. Don’t let anyone, no matter how hot or attractive he is, overstep your personal boundaries for treatment and behavior.

    hopelessinlove
    hopelessinlove
    Participant
    April 17, 2018 at 7:49 am #170851
    Reply To: Does anyone else ONLY fall for men you shouldnt date?

    Yes I guess I should go on more dates with him and see what happens. It’s only been one so far but he is very eager to keep seeing me and has admitted he has feelings for me but he says if I need time that’s fine. I guess that’s a good thing but I can’t deny I feel a bit panicked and pressured anyway as he’s already feeling so strongly about me! And that is even though i’ve shared quite a bit about myself and even my flaws just to see if he’d still feel the same way and he does. At this point i’m just confused about myself. I said a while ago to myself that I wanted to meet a guy like this who is very open emotionally because i’d always know i’m loved in the relationship etc. and now don’t even know if I want to date anyone to be honest. I wasn’t planning on meeting someone when I met this guy and neither was he!

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