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Krystalviolin, all your experiences in life including the earlier ones in childhood have an impact on your developing identity. I read your reply and agree with you that your first dating experience was very traumatic for you. However we need to revisit somethings:
1. You shared the following: “First of all, it wasn’t a real relationship. We just said per text message that we’re together now, after we had confessed to each other and then we flirted over text messages but we never did more than a few hugs and it was rather awkward when we met. When we started dating I was 11 and he was 13. Then he turned 14 and I turned 12 shortly after that. We dated for about 5 months. “Dated”
My reply: NO! THIS WAS A REAL RELATIONSHIP! There was nothing not real about what you were feeling and thinking at that time. And what you experienced back then still lives within you.February 10, 2019 at 8:58 am #194557
2. You shared: “It was traumatic because he was my first love and I found out he liked me after 5 years of liking him and never saying anything. He was my first boyfriend and first breakup ever. Also, we never said that we’re breaking up. When my mom heard of our first attempt to date, she said I was too young (she didn’t understand that dating at that age isn’t really dating). So she took me off of the activity that was once per week and where I met him and saw him every week. Apparently, I only “went there to date guys”.
My reply: Your experience was traumatic, but not only because of the unresolved break up. You were restricted to participate in the activity and not allowed to see your friend anymore. Your mother had a huge emotional reaction and created a very emotionally traumatic experience for you with hurt, lose, anger, and most importantly feeling unloved “How could you do this to me mom?”February 10, 2019 at 9:11 am #194560
Krystalviolin, at this stage in your life we need to restring your violin. the body of your instrument (you) stays intact, however we need to change the strings that create the vibrations, the sound (your feelings, thoughts, and actions of the past that vibrate and interfere with the present).
Your traumatic love experience of the past is still alive within you. Let’s loosen it up and help to free you from some of its hold on you. Kindly explore and answer the following:
1. Why do you need someone (a boyfriend) to comfort and listen to you now?
2. What feelings and thoughts would this person be helping you with?
3. Are you feeling loved today by others?
4. do you love yourself? If yes what do you love about yourself?
Krystalviolin, I look forward to reading your replies and continuing our communication. Kindly go back to page one of this thread. That is where today’s reply starts.
Garyjay60February 10, 2019 at 10:36 am #194566
first of all, thank you for your long answer. I appreciate it.
You don’t have to be so concerned about my ex. It was a long time ago, I have found closure and actually don’t need to be psychologically analyzed in this part. I am in a happy state. You are right about my feelings I had back then, like about my mom and so on.. But that is all in the past now and IT IS NOT alive in me. It was for a long time but NOT anymore, it just kept me from dating and after that I was focused on school and stuff. Still am, though…
Also dont think that I have any problems right now and need someone to listen to me or something. I am really genuinely happy right now, I have people that I like, that listen to me, that are there for me. Its just that – as you know – I havent been dating guys and that I really want to have that experience now. And I think it would be really nice to have a bf, but how could I possibly know without experiencing it? So I want to experience it now.February 10, 2019 at 10:48 am #194568
1. I need a bf because I want that experience, because I like guys, because Im attracted to guys – right now a specific one -, because its that time in a persons life I guess and maybe its even physical needs, I dont know!
2. Just a feeling of happiness, joy, excitement, love and adventure, I guess.
3. Im definitely loved.
4. I love myself, I love my determination, my curiosity, my hunger for knowledge, my ambition, my diligence, my peserverance, my brain, my passion for music, my flat stomach and my nose, if Im being completely honest. There are of course also things I dont love about myself. But then again I love that I never give up and try to improve.
KrystalFebruary 10, 2019 at 11:10 am #194570
Thanks for your reply. So why do we need a teacher to guide us in becoming a great musician. One major reason is that they have been down the same journey we are traveling and have developed skills to see, hear, and anticipate. these great teachers stand on the shoulders of great teachers of the past. George Bernard Shaw stated “Youth Is Wasted On The Young.” However those young adults who allow themselves to recognize the great teachers in their life can be spared unnecessary hardship, disappointment and pain in their journey. It all comes down to your ability to “TRUST” and accept that you do not know everything even though you might believe so.
I can feel from you r reply that you are strongly feeling something. And that’s good!. So I have this one question to ask you.
IF YOU WANT A BOYFRIEND SO BAD, AND YOU FEEL SO GOOD ABOUT YOURSELF, WHAT’S STOPPING YOU FROM DATING LOTS OF GUY RIGHT NOW AND MAYBE EVEN FINDING A BOYFRIEND?February 10, 2019 at 11:10 am #194571
Looking forward to your reply and continuing to give you my feedback
garyjay60February 10, 2019 at 12:29 pm #194584
Nothing, I’m just unsure about what to do and this situation is difficult because there is no one else but him around that Im attracted to. I could wait to meet someone else or until I go to university.. because with this guy it would be difficult plus I admit that we dont really know each other well. Im just kinda unexperienced in dating so that keeps me from doing it plus Im only attracted to one guy that I dont even really know. I should also add that Im rather an introvert but that doesnt have to mean anything. Im just definitely not extremely extroverted or something. I would love to date lots of guys but who and how. Ive only been working on myself and friends.February 10, 2019 at 12:31 pm #194585
What do you mean by Im strongly feeling something. About this guy or in general about wanting a boyfriend.February 10, 2019 at 1:24 pm #194586
I am very proud of you. This is not easy work to do for an adult and even more complicated for a young adult. It is very clear from your communication that you are growing hungry for a relationship with a boy that includes companionship (friendship), some level of physical intimacy, and adventure (fun).
Who knows what will happen with this young man you are talking about. The real focus for you should not be on this boy but what he represents. As you said in reality you hardly know him.
What you are experiencing is your wish, your desire, your fantasy to have a boyfriend. However relationships do not magically appear, They develop over time. for some people the process moves faster than for others. There a a lot of factors that determine this. Specifically the emotional development influenced by the past experience of both people involved and what they want out of a relationship at that time.February 10, 2019 at 1:32 pm #194587
Krystalviolin, you share that you feel as if you are somewhat introverted and say but that doesn’t have to mean anything. BUT IT DOES MEAN SOMETHIHG AND IT MEANS SOMETHING VERY IMPORTANT FOR YOU IF YOU WANT TO SUCCESSFULLY DATE.
In all your replies there is an emotional theme centered around how do I date, find guys, I don’t know how. This can simply be rephrased as “I CAN’T DATE.” and this is directly connected to your traumatic childhood experience where you were shown that dating is forbidden, and filled with great pain and suffering.
So you are in touch with feeling somewhat introverted. Lets work to loosen up this roadblock:
1. What are you feeling when you say you are introverted? Describe it clearly.
2. What are you avoiding, worried about if you were not feeling and acting in a introverted way?
I look forward to your replies. Hang in there. you are doing great. Especially for a 17 year young adult. also what country are you living in.
garyjay60February 10, 2019 at 2:35 pm #194590
1) I have always been more quiet and observant. Like many musicians are. Also, I’m partly Asian, so yay prejudice confirmed.. I have struggled with this a lot and always tried to fight it but as soon as I was in front of people I became numb. Even though my mind was never introverted if that makes any sense probably not.. This has become better since about 3 years. I still have my quiet moments but I can be loud and especially funny. I have always been better at writing than talking. But I’ve learned to be peaceful about it and started working on myself with this. I’m not as good as many others are at socializing but became better and am still improving.
2) I’m most of all a perfectionist. Which ironically is what makes me less perfect. But I always wanna do the right thing. And I really like him from what I know about him but I don’t wanna come across as needy and as a girl who has nothing else to do but bother a busy guy about dating him. And just mz lack of experience in…February 10, 2019 at 2:36 pm #194591
… interacting with boys so much.
I live in Germany 🙂February 16, 2019 at 8:07 am #195055
I have an update: We were talking on the phone last night and he asked me out! We’re gonna meet in the town where we meet in the middle, which means I need 1,5 to 2 hours to be there. He asked if I could come today already but I said I had an appointment because that was too quick for me, I need to be mentally and physically prepared :’D. He said we could meet next week some time.. My problem is: Of course the distance and time it takes. I mean, up to 4 hours travel time in total and the time we spend there. What do I tell my parents? Mom, I’m just gonna go to that town to have a date with some musician and then come back after about 7 hours. I have a trauma because back when I was 12, I tried to go to a date with my first love and my mom found out and immediately made me break off contact with him, took my phone away and stuff.. Okay, I was pretty young and now I’m 17. But I have a-levels coming up and should be studying all the time to get into med school, so my mom probably won’t be
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