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amr5553ParticipantDecember 1, 2012 at 2:41 pm #17934
I figured I would start by giving a little background on my situation. First off, I am 23 and my girlfriend is 20. We have been dating for 6 months, and everything has been perfect until now. I am a very quiet and reserved guy, and she is much more outgoing and is more into the whole party scene. I would say that our opposite personalities have actually helped make us such a good match. She is only the second real girlfriend I’ve had and is the only one that I can say that I’ve truly fallen for. (This is probably due to my more reserved personality, and makes it a bit harder for me to find partners.) We started dating over the summer when we were both on break from college and initially met through a mutual friend. At first, we talked on the phone for a few weeks before meeting in person. I’d say that this really helped me open up, as I have trouble making first impressions in person. She said that she was okay with the fact that I was a bit shy, and that she really liked me. Even over the summer, we lived 2 hours apart and both had jobs, so we didn’t get the opportunity to see each other very often. We were both okay with this and made it a point to talk on the phone every day. We would even sleep together on the phone once or twice a week (I know this sounds cheesy, but we didn’t get to see each other often). At the end of summer, we both went back to our separate colleges, but agreed that we would stay together through the year (this is my senior year). Through the semester, we would still talk to each other almost every day whenever we both had time. We did this up until last week, over our Thanksgiving breaks. The day after Thanksgiving we had a 9 hour phone conversation and everything was as good as ever. Before we hung up, I told her that I loved her, and she told me that she loved me. Since then, she has not responded to any of my texts or answered any of my phone calls. I would limit myself to 1 or 2 phone calls, or 1 or 2 texts per day, just asking her if everything was okay and to tell her that I loved her. However, I would never get a response. Two nights ago, she finally sent me a text at about 3AM that was completely indecipherable. I again asked her if everything was okay, but got no response. That text worried me the most, because I know that she had a bit of a troubled past and was a foster child due to drugs and alcohol as a younger teen. Finally last night, I called her a few times, because I was starting to get really worried at this point and left her a few voicemails letting her know that I was really concerned, and I just want to be able to talk to her. Finally, she sent me a response that was along the lines of “Stop ****ing calling me! Get the hint now?” We haven’t talked since. I’m just completely distraught and don’t know what to do :/ She lives too far away so I can’t drive to see her, and I also have finals coming up this week for the semester, so I am also stressed about that. Everything just came out of nowhere; we had never even fought or argued before this. She had even called me before making me promise that I would never leave her because she thought that I was the perfect guy, since I always put her first and was never mean to her. I was her first boyfriend who wasn’t a jerk :/ It makes it even harder, because she is extremely gorgeous and was so nice to me at the same time. Coming from someone who is extremely shy, and has a hard time meeting girls, it makes everything all the tougher. I am just terribly frightened that something might have happened to her and that we might not get to talk again. Since we live so far apart, I can’t just drive and see her either. I just don’t know what to do :/ Should I try to contact her again, or just let it go? I’m just scared that she might be doing drugs or something again, and I don’t know what to do. She means so much to me :/
RealAttractionParticipantDecember 2, 2012 at 5:14 pm #17939
First off let me say that long distance relationships never works and anyone who tells you that they do, wether it be because of them or someone they know is an extremely rare exception. You want to be able to see each other in person, the phone, facebook, instant messaging, these are all tools used to make a date not to have a relationship with. A phone can’t comfort you the way a body can.
You spent too much time on the phone my friend. I am afraid that her loss of interest wasn’t as sudden as you believe. You were so willing to talk to her anytime she wanted to and even times she didn’t want to. The “hint” she was referring to was the fact that she doesn’t respond to your texts or calls. Let me ask you this, would you do that to someone you love? Of course you wouldn’t. She has lost all interest and you should move on.
She should be the one wanting to talk to you all the time, she should be the one to say I love you, not you. When women say “he was just too needy” or “he was really clingy” this is what they are talking about. Women respond to challenge. You were chasing her, in order for a relationship to work she needs to chase you. Don’t feel bad, everyone has been in your shoes before. They key here is to learn from it and to not let your interest blind you from reality.
“Here to help men understand the psychology of women”
AnonymousDecember 5, 2012 at 3:15 pm #18216
I would agree in that long distance relationships are extremely challenging and the odds are definitely against you. But hey, you tried it out right?? I think everyone needs to try it out, because that’s how you find out. Physical contact is very important. And you never truly know someone over the phone. Not being able to see each other in your daily lives, really limits your ability to know exactly what you are dealing with.
She actually did not have such a strange response if she comes from that kind of challenge in her life. “Real Attraction” is right when he said that you were “too easy” so to speak. A girl like that will respond much more to drama and challenge and chaos. It’s sad really, because many women are like that. This is where the “nice guy” gets a bad rep. The nice guy gets completely obliterated by these kind of girls. The girl will connect and connect and then one day, dump them.
This is not your fault though. I would not suggest playing games with her and trying to make her chase you. You are asking for a lot of drama if you do. If she treated your “love” this way, then why in the world would you want her back. Where are your standards? You do not deserve to be treated like that and nor should it be acceptable. Let her go and don’t ever let her back in. I know you love her and that’s a hard thing to heal from, but trust me when I tell you that you are asking for a serious whoopin’ if you try to get her back.
When a lady grows up not being treated very well, she will continue to look for the guy that doesn’t treat her well, because that’s what she’s comfortable with, no matter how much pain it causes her. When she finds a nice guy, a guy that treats her like gold, it’s tolerable for a short period of time, but then she will all of a sudden not be able to handle it anymore. I call it the “set point”. It’s the point of happiness we allow ourselves to have…and that point is directly determined by our low self-esteem. So if she has a lot of low self-esteem (which I guarantee she does with what she came from), then her set point will be a lot lower, which means she will only be able to tolerate a limited amount of happiness….which is why she will really only go for guys who don’t take very good care of her heart. You being the nice guy and freely connective, and especially since you said you loved her….well that would drive her right into her limit of happiness….that’s exactly the point that we all sabotage anything that is good for us. That’s how you know someone’s set point…when they start to sabotage and ruin the happiness level, you know they are at their limit. We all have a set point….and the only way to raise that set point is to push past it. It’s uncomfortable and very challenging and I honestly know few people who are willing.
Keep being exactly who you are….you sound like a high connector….and another girl, hopefully with a higher set point, will love that about you and appreciate it. Value yourself enough to set standards as to how you will be treated. When you set these standards, you will attract someone who will honor them with you!
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