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so_confuzedParticipantJanuary 9, 2013 at 4:21 pm #20316
I met a wonderful man online a few months ago. Lots of communication, wonderful dates. He has treated me better than any man I’ve dated before. Thoughtful, sweet, charming, smart, funny, respectful. So much in common. Before our last date he dropped a bombshell on me. Many years ago he made a very serious error in judgement with a consenting minor. Her parents found out, and they and the prosecutor went full throttle on him, and even though the girl fully supported him and didn’t blame him for anything, he spent 2 years in jail. He’s now on the PSOR list for life with charges that don’t match the crime due to having no choice but plea bargain.
Hours of conversation have shown me that he regrets what happened, that what he did wasn’t fair to her, he was old enough to know better and he is sorry for what he’s done. He spent a lot of time in counseling/therapy and has done everything he can to make amends. As distrusting of people as I am, I believe him.
But more than anything, him being on this list terrifies me. Not because of him, but because of what the possible repercussions are. He’s lost jobs because of it, so not a stable future… What if he is attacked, or property vandalized? What if I am assaulted for being with him, not to mention the stigma. My family is strongly against me dating him.
I like him a lot. I could fall for him. But that list never leaves my mind. EVER.
I am so confused, I don’t know what to do.
pseudogfParticipantJanuary 11, 2013 at 2:54 pm #20457
I’m not sure if he IS the one you should fall for. your insecurities just mean you’re not ready to commit to his life and the upcoming lifestyle you two would share.
Without sounding too harsh, Think about it this way, if he finds a woman who understands his situation (like you do) AND she’s not worried about the future or what that list says about him, then SHE’S the one better off with him, not you.
You should not fear your life when you’re with someone. Just because he has a great personality and everything seems alright you can only ignore the big elephant in the room for so long. Like I said, there could be another woman who will appreciate his characteristics like you do but may have a different ability to see past his mistakes.
AriannaJonesParticipantJanuary 14, 2013 at 11:52 am #20512
Doesn’t seem like the right fit for you 🙁 I’m sorry!! It sounds like a tough fit for your lifestyle right now. Don’t let it put a damper on your dating lifestyle though!
CarolineParticipantJanuary 21, 2013 at 6:20 pm #20845
Yea, maybe take some time on your own and see how you feel if you weren’t with him. Do you feel alone? Like does he complete you in a way that you couldn’t see yourself ever be without him? Sounds dramatic but it’s helpful to put yourself outside of the box and look in!
slobeachboyParticipantMarch 14, 2013 at 11:02 pm #25989
If this guy is registered on the national sex offender database than that could indeed cause a lot hassles down the road for both of you. But other than that I don’t see what the problem is. After all he’s not a pedophile is he? In case you don’t know the correct definition of the term a pedophile is someone who is ONLY sexually attracted to children, meaning people who have not yet reached puberty. This means that pedophiles have to either be celibate forever or commit what just about anybody would agree is the most heinous crime there is on the planet, namely having sex with a children.
Having sex with a consenting teenage partner who just happens to be below some arbitrary number known as the age of consent however, while definitely illegal, is an entirely different story and its certainly nothing unethical or immoral in any way. The age of consent varies around the word from 12 to 20 and in most industrialized western nations other than the USA it averages around 14 to 16 – I think Canada just raised it from 14 to 16. Of course if you break even an arbitrary law, such as a speed limit, you have to be punished or fined. But we certainly would not vilify a speeder and lump him in with real criminals like rapists and pedophiles. And of course people always seem to forget that throughout most of mankind’s history, and even up to maybe 100 years ago in this country, it was perfectly normal for a girl to get married at 13 or 14, and usually to an older man, sometimes much older. This is because the women only needed to be able to have children but the husband had to make a living and most 13-year old boys probably weren’t able to support a family yet. Nature’s delineation as to when we are supposed to have sex is puberty and I think its kind of arrogant of us to say that nature is wrong. By our current insane irrational sexually uptight laws in this country however Selena Gomez is technically a sex offender since Justin Beiber was under 18 when they started dating and she was over 18. Of course in their case the parents didn’t make a fuss and he is probably emancipated anyway. The point is; the fact that we not only imprison people for this “crime”, but also force them to spend the rest of their lives on some list that says they can’t even be around places where children hang out is the most ludicrous, insane, travesty of justice I can think of. And it shows just how highly irrational and sexually up tight we have become as a society. Also, adults who have had sex with minors are no more or less likely to somehow become a pedophile than you or I so why should they have to be kept away from children? It makes absolutely no sense whatsoever. In Europe not only is the age of consent lower but the laws are written in a more rational way. For instance in many of these countries some sort of coercion or manipulation of the minor to have sex has to be proven in court, whereas in the USA its implied simply from the fact that the partner is underage. Minors are supposedly incapable of consenting to sex. But even if that were true, or made any sense at all, then why would it be any less of a crime if the minor had sex with another minor. Its the same sex act regardless, and a minor can coerce a girl into sex just as well as grown man can. And if my teenage daughter were to have sex why on earth would I somehow think that this same sex act is somehow a criminal act because her boyfriend is older. Sex is sex. She’s either having it or she’s not. All I care about is that her boyfriend is a decent guy. I have to say one of the things I liked best about living in Japan is that they look at sex as just a normal natural human function, like eating or sleeping. On the other hand we are a very puritanical culture here in the USA and it seems to be getting worse rather than better.
I have to say I really feel for you and your boyfriend. And personally, although I would never have sex with a minor knowing the laws in this country, if I were to ever find myself on the sex offender list for life I would simply move to another country, where hopefully I would not be treated like a criminal and a monster when I had done nothing wrong. Of course these days the USA is constantly trying to export their “morality” and its associated laws to other countries, at least for US citizens living in those countries.
Anyway I think it’s a brave choice to in effect paint a scarlet letter on your chest just to be with this guy. I hope he turns out to be worth the sacrifice.
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