How Should I Proceed, Ladies and Gentlemen?

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How Should I Proceed, Ladies and Gentlemen?

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  • Hayley Matthews Hayley Matthews
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    PatrickStar
    PatrickStar
    Participant
    April 9, 2018 at 6:04 am #169919
    How Should I Proceed, Ladies and Gentlemen?

    There’s this girl that works next door to me who’s always been frendly and when she’d come in for her coffee (I am a barista) she’d always strike up a conversation with me. One day she was salty about her work and invited me out for drinks to blow off some steam. Me also being salty at the time decided to join her. That became a thing that we do. When we’re frustrated with work, we’ll go out for drinks. At some point, my coworkers told me that when I am not present at work she asks for me and that she had broken up with her boyfriend some time ago. Putting two and two together, I resolved to ask her out. But before I could she invited me to a concert with her friends. It was during this concert that I discovered that the information about her boyfriend was outdated and that they had gotten back toghther at some point although their relationship remains rocky.

    So now what should I do? I’ve really come to like her but I don’t want to ruin what we already have by spilling my guts to her

    Kanga
    Kanga
    Participant
    April 9, 2018 at 10:01 am #169925

    Have you asked her personally (not just thru the grapevine) about her relationship status? How did you discover this information when at the concert? Do you feel like perhaps she is sort of using you for when he is not around (ego) or to make him jealous or anything like that? Up until I read about the concert… I dont think you need to necessarily “spill your guts” to her. If you havent already I would ask her about the boyfriend situation in some round about way and go from there and perhaps hold back on the spillling of your guts 🙂 until she is free of that situation (shes staying/holding on for some reason and you dont want to be the rebound to whatever is going on with that). *thanks for replying to my post by the way!

    PatrickStar
    PatrickStar
    Participant
    April 9, 2018 at 3:28 pm #169939

    I did hear it straight from her mouth, actually. She and her friend were dicussing it while I was present. You’re probably right, though. I’ll just hold off and be patient until her situation gets worked out (or doesn’t). I’ll just be happy I have her as a friend. I probably shouldn’t tell her I want to be more than that. I’d feel guilty if I was the reason they split. And you’re welcome btw. That’s what we’re all here for; to help each other out. 🙂

    Kanga
    Kanga
    Participant
    April 10, 2018 at 8:41 am #169950

    What exactly did she say when she told you? Are you really okay just being friends? Like honestly? There have been times when I think yeah I can do this and then….no I can’t do this, I do want more. That feeling sucks! But yeah I wouldn’t express how you feel quite yet. See how it goes, continues to go as it has been. You don’t want to be the rebound/just there to make her feel better.

    Coach_Michael21
    Coach_Michael21
    Participant
    April 11, 2018 at 10:38 pm #170285

    Hi Patrick,

    If the information about her getting back with her boyfriend is accurate, then I don’t feel it’s a good idea to proceed. Until she can make up her mind for sure about her boyfriend, the fact remains that he IS her boyfriend, and it’s best not to tread. believe me, I can tell you from personal experience, you don’t want to get caught up in any unnecessary boyfriend drama, especially if he begins to associate you with the breakup with his girl, that doesn’t make for a pleasant evening (or week.. or month).

    It’s best to keep this girl as a solid “maybe” for right now, while continuing to date and see others until her single status becomes a bit more solidified. Don’t allow yourself to fall into the trap of thinking of this girl as the only one you want to pursue. You’re entering into a “danger zone” mentally, especially if she decides that she really does want to stay with her current man. Always be looking for other girls to date. Hope this helps!

    PatrickStar
    PatrickStar
    Participant
    April 12, 2018 at 9:09 am #170290

    Man, I really appreciate all the input, guys. Thanks! So here’s an update for ya’ll: It was her birthday yesterday and she wanted to hit the clubs in Hollywood since they’re not as packed during the week and invited her inner circle (which apparently includes me). Her boyfriend was also present and based on what I saw I now see why they were/are having issues; this guy is kind of uptight. First of all he didn’t seem too enthusiastic about being there. You’d think one would be pretty excited about their girlfriend’s birthday. Secondly, this guy wasn’t dancing with her. Seemed pretty uncomfortable on the dance floor. I was the only one dancing with her. Sorry Coach_Michael21. I didn’t read your comment soon enough to heed your advice about not drawing attention from her boyfriend. And here’s the worst part: Her phone got stolen as we were working our way through a crowd and all he had to say was, “Well, you’re the one who wanted to go to a club. This kind of stuff happens here.” WTF!?

    PatrickStar
    PatrickStar
    Participant
    April 12, 2018 at 9:09 am #170293

    I bought us all another round at the next club and convinced her that it would be better for her to just get a new phone since her’s was kind of old and the screen was cracked. Managed to cheer her up and turn the night around. But this experience made me think of something: What if she’s waiting for me to speak up about my feelings in an effort to shift the moral burden of their potential breakup onto me? That’s a pretty common thing nowadays. In any case I’m still reluctant to speak up. As you guys have pointed out, that would put me on a dangerous path. And to answer your question, Kanga, I’m about 75% sure I’d still be ok being friends. What I like about her so much is that she reminds me of what it’s like to live a little. Going to concerts, clubs and parties are things I used to a lots since I was in quite a few bands back in the day (I’m only 28 btw; I’m not a dinosaur lol). She brings out the more carefree side of me, I guess. But that same quality can be present in a friend.