How to recover from early mistakes…?


How to recover from early mistakes…?

  • Hayley Matthews Hayley Matthews
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    March 26, 2013 at 1:42 am #26821
    How to recover from early mistakes…?

    Sorry for the long post fellas…

    Back in mid-January, I was contacted by an old high school crush who is, by coincidence, living less than an hour away from me. We both had moved out of state to study writing, and somehow ended up moving to roughly the same place. I hadn’t seen her in nearly five years, and at that time, I was severely depressed. I don’t think she ever knew that I had been interested in her, but still, I saw the wall post she made as a sort of lifeline. I know that sounds pathetic, but I wasn’t thinking clearly at the time.

    I commented on the post, telling her that I would be up in her area the following weekend. She was shocked that I lived so close to her, and said she was excited to see me. The Sunday after that, I messaged her back, told her I was driving back through her area, and asked her if she wanted to meet for “coffee or something.” I’m extremely awkward socially, you might even go so far as to say I have a full-on social phobia. As such, the act of asking an old crush to get coffee was almost nauseating. She messaged me back a few minutes later, saying that she had plans for that afternoon, but she gave me her cell number and said she would come visit my area soon. Two weeks later, she sent me a text inviting me to a party at her place. I was nervous at first, but it turned out to be most fun I’ve had in a while. We spent most of the night sitting on her porch, splitting cigarettes and talking about life (we’re both writing students, so it was easy to relate). She texted me an hour after I left and told me how glad she was that I liked her friends. I asked her if she wanted to hang out the next day. She said she was busy, but asked if I wanted to do dinner and a poetry slam (in my area) the following weekend.

    The Saturday after that, I texted her asking if we were still on. She told me she was extremely busy (three jobs + school) and didn’t know if she’d be able to borrow her roommates car to come see me. I told her I’d be in her area the next day for school (not a lie, I had to attend a festival for extra credit) and she suggested we go to a restaurant near her apartment. I was just leaving the festival when she sent me a lengthy text explaining how she was extremely overworked and had a paper due the following morning. She said that she’d still like to see me, and asked if we could meet briefly for a cigarette.

    That’s when things sort of… went downhill. Like I said, I’m awkward as hell, not to mention I was on this new depression pill that gave me all kinds of weird mood swings. The first mistake I made was assuming we were splitting a cigarette, I lit mine up without offering her one. As you can guess, didn’t even explain myself, I just sat there quietly as she awkwardly reached for the pack/lighter. After that, my phobia went out of control. I could barely make eye contact with her and made a bunch of douchey-sounding comments. I’m not quite but pretty sure that I came off as a complete asshole. After a brief, 5-10 minute conversation, said she had to go work on a paper and we shared an awkward hug goodbye. I stopped on the drive back and sent her this:

    “Thanks for making me laugh after a stressful day! Sorry I was a little out of it. I’d love to come back to Boulder if you fell you could use a study break sometime soon 🙂 I’m off work most nights for the next few weeks so just pick yourself a time/place and call me up, we’ll go do something crazy.”

    She texted me back a few minutes later, reporting happily that she’d been able to drop one of her jobs and that she hoped to visit my area soon. I replied:

    “Poetry slam and then a film maybe? I’ve got some free tickets at the Esquire I need to use up. Like I said, I’m free most nights so just lent me know when and where 😀 I’m glad you got your dilemma sorted out, hope to see you soon!”

    She didn’t text me back. In fact, more than a month has passed and I still haven’t heard from her. At this point, I’ve gone from having little idea what I’m doing to having no idea at all. I know that “I’m busy” is the tell-tale sign that a girl isn’t interested, but the fact that she asked me to come back and have dinner makes me think differently. I certainly willing down and moving on to someone else, but I feel like I should give it one last go… I just don’t know how to. I’ve already used the “I’m in the area” thing twice so doing that again is out of the question. Any ideas on what I should do? Is there any way to recover from the mistakes I’ve made? Anything at all helps.

    March 26, 2013 at 2:10 pm #26890

    Let me get this straight. Just because you didn’t receive a reply to your last text message you have made no further attempt to contact this woman for an entire month? How do you even know that she got your message? If I’ve said it once I’ve said it a thousand times, NOBODY should be using text messaging to communicate in the initial stages of getting to know someone. It’s just WAY too easy for miscommunications and misunderstandings to occur. Not to mention the fact that you cannot accurately gage how the other person really feels or what they are thinking without being able to hear their voice. You need to just forget that texting even exists for now. I know that I would certainly never fail to contact someone for a month based on the fact that they did not return a voice mail or text message. You always at least leave one more messages to make sure they actually got the first message. For example -“hey, how have you been doing? I never heard back from you after my last e-mail” etc. I realize that you don’t want to come off as sounding needy and pathetic but honestly, how do expect to get through life if you give up on things that easily? In fact, if that’s all the stick-to-itivness you’ve got then you might at well just go out right now and buy yourself a headstone, dig a big hole in the ground, and just jump right in and wish yourself better luck in the next life, because you’re pretty much done here.
    As for your supposedly odd and erratic behavior at your last mini date I wouldn’t worry too much about that. Sure, if this had occurred on a first date with a total stranger the damage done might indeed have been irreparable, but remember, this girl already knows you. In fact she went out of her way to reconnect with you after many years of being apart. And don’t forget that she spent an entire night hanging out with you at her recent party. Anyway its likely going to take a lot more than a little awkwardness to scare her off at this point. Now whether she want to be more than just friends I cant say for sure at this point but it seems pretty clear that she likes hanging out with you and sharing her unhealthy and unpleasant addictions with you. And it seems like you have quite a few more things in common than just the cigarettes.
    The bottom line is, just because you two are both writers doesn’t mean you can’t exercise your vocal chords every now and again. When we go on a date with someone its usually for the purpose of getting to know that person through conversation, and later because we just enjoy their company. But if you live in separate towns why on earth would not just have regular lengthy phone conversations? I realize that you can’t “split a smoke” over the phone but do you really need to have disgusting cigarette smoke blown in your face to enjoy a conversation with someone you supposedly like? Please don’t be one of those writers who tries to live through his writing. Believe it or not I’m actually a pretty fair writer myself, despite my frequent typos, run on sentences, and improper use of punctuation. Yet I live 100% in the real world and I don’t hide behind my writing by texting people when I could just as easily talk to them on the phone.
    Anyway just contact this woman and see how she’s doing. And if you are to afraid to actually talk to her on the phone then just text her – or use Morse code, or send up Indian smoke signals, or whatever, I don’t care – just do it!