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whitney0587ParticipantSeptember 8, 2018 at 6:11 pm #183769
I’ve been dating this guy for the past 5 and 1/2 months and everything has been great. I made a huge mistake and went through his internet history on his laptop. I came across a few searches that really disturbed me, which was bound to happen. He was searching for local female escorts, sex clubs, “How to Date without Tinder or Dating Apps” and “Hinge Dating App Review.” I have not confronted him about it b/c I know I will lose his trust. There hasn’t been any other red flags and we’re exclusive. I’ve met his friends, best friends, and he told me his parents would like to meet me. He never hides his phone around me and we’re open about personal stuff. He’s had a crazy schedule this past month and I am now seeing him once a week. Before then, we would see each other 2-3 times a week. We text every day and the conversation is great, but should I confront him about these searches? I know I screwed up and I feel horrible.
- This topic was modified 3 months ago by whitney0587.
dashingscorpioParticipantSeptember 8, 2018 at 10:51 pm #183774
Snooping is never a “mistake”. It’s always intentional.
The primary reason why someone snoops is because THEY don’t trust the person they’re dating.
It may be they believe their mate is cheating or they think the person is hiding who they really are.
You have to determine what your motivation was for doing it and what you hoped to accomplish from it.
If you want to stop seeing the guy confront him. If you don’t trust him dump him.
You’ve been together for less than 6 months.
Did you two have “the talk” about being an “exclusive couple”?
If you’ve never had “the talk” then theoretically you’re both entitled to date and have sex with other people.
You said there have been no other “red flags”.
“I am now seeing him (once a week). Before then, we would see each other (2-3 times a week).”
Basically he’s spending about 1/3rd of time with you than he used to. That would be a “red flag” for a lot of people.
Sudden changes raise suspicions which leads to snooping. YOU don’t trust him.
- This reply was modified 3 months ago by dashingscorpio.
WoozyParticipantSeptember 8, 2018 at 11:12 pm #183777
Dashingscorpio is right. You didn’t make a mistake. At the very worst, you violated his privacy by going through his history.
That being said, you’ll need to address how you feel about his search history for yourself. If you ARE exclusive and you feel like you need to confront him, then do it softly and calmly. Don’t come on too aggressively because that’s bound to turn into an argument. Know what you’re going to say and what you want out of the confrontation. The search history isn’t the only issue here; you’ve grown a little more distant and that seems to be troubling you. Address that as well.
If you AREN’T exclusive, it’s probably time to rethink your relationship. Do you want to be exclusive with him and does he want to be exclusive with you? If so, it’s time for “the talk.” Do you think you can handle staying casual with him? If not, you may want to cut ties. All these are things that you need to think about seriously with yourself before you address them with him.
LuneParticipantSeptember 9, 2018 at 12:43 am #183797
If it is eating away at you perhaps speak to him.
whitney0586ParticipantSeptember 9, 2018 at 1:08 am #183802
I had to make a new username but you are all right. We had the exclusive talk a few months ago and he refers to me as his girl. I’ve been cheated on in the past and I do have trust issues. I am not proud of myself for snooping and I need to address that immediately. Also, the fact that we haven’t been seeing each other as much is what made me snoop. He started grad school so he has class, tests, homework, and seminars all week. On top of that, his personal life has been crazy and he has a stressful job. I guess I didn’t address the distance concern b/c I was trying to be understanding/supportive and I didn’t want to seem clingy. I will address the distance concern with him this week and express how I truly feel. Thank you both!
whitney0587ParticipantSeptember 10, 2018 at 8:16 am #183780
You both are right, thanks for the replies. We have had the exclusive talk and he calls me “his girl.” I’ve been cheated on in the past and the fact we haven’t been seeing each other as much is what made me snoop. I’m not proud of it and I need to work on myself. I also need to address the distance concern. He started grad school, goes to seminars all week, has class, studies, and works a stressful full-time job. A lot of personal stuff has happened in his life as well. So, I think I was trying to be understanding/supportive and decided to not address him about the distance b/c I didn’t want to seem too clingy. But clearly, it’s still an issue since I snooped. I will address the distance concern in a calm manner and express how I feel. Thank you again for your help!
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