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adzParticipantMarch 17, 2013 at 9:51 pm #26035
PLEASE HELP ME WITH THIS ISSUE, I KNOW THIS IS A LOT TO READ, BUT I REALLY WANT TO FIGURE IT OUT.
I have been with my boyfriend for two and a half years. He is in his mid 30s and I am 30 years old. He is a wonderful person. He loves sports and playing sports, he dresses like a regular straight guy, and acts like a straight guy.
I feel he is much smarter than me and he had been there for me, helping me, when things get tough. I learned to kind of rely on him through difficult decisions, he is my best friend, I love him and I don’t know what to do if we have to part our ways.
As a person, he is a very “guy’s guy” type of guy. He has a lot of guy friends and loves socializing and hanging out with them. So much so that I do not think he has as much fun hanging out with me. I even started getting upset with him that we never go out together just the two of us anymore…a lot of the time, its me him and his friends!
He has a very guy’s type mentality and some time he just doesn’t get my “girlie” logic. Like, I have to tell him the romantic things he has to do for me or remind him that he has to kiss me or hug me when we see each other. It used to be that when we are in a group of people we would not even hold hands or anything…I got mad at him and he eventually started doing that. He is also not a very passionate person when it comes to intimacy. When we have sex, its kind of robotic. He does not really touch me tenderly and does not know how to foreplay. He doesn’t really get turned on at the site of my nakedness. Changing in front of him is like changing in front of girls at the gym locker room. When we are getting ready to have sex, he asks me to “play” with him to get him aroused.
He told me he was in long term relationships before, but from what I gathered a few of them were long distance. Additionally, he doesnt really bring up and talks about his old past relationships experiences. And I never really heard his friends bring up any of his old girl friends as part of any story or anything like that. I wonder if they are suspecting that he is gay and I am the fool for falling for it…
After two and a half years of this, I am starting to forget what it is like to feel feminine again and sexy because I don’t feel any natural passion from him. I have never had this issue with guys before, guys have always been attracted to me. I am thinking he is either gay or has a very low libido. I tried confronting him and about his low sex drive one time, and he just blew it off and insisted that there is nothing wrong with him. I also felt bad for asking him because even if he is that, he is probably not going to ever admit it to himself or anyone because he is somewhat traditional and it must be hard for him on the inside.
Do you think its possible that he may still be straight? I am 30 years old and I want to settle down. I don’t want to be living a lie the rest of my life if he is indeed gay!
slobeachboyParticipantMarch 18, 2013 at 12:37 am #26037
Well, to be honest, most of the behavior that you’ve mentioned could just as easily be typical straight guy stuff. A lot of guys don’t feel compelled to hold hands with their girlfriends. And there are certainly a lot of guys who don’t engage in foreplay, either because they are clueless, selfish lovers, or just plain lazy. It’s also possible, as you mentioned that he has problem with his libido.
That being said however, I really think you are asking yourself the wrong questions. You should be asking yourself why you would want to be with someone in the first place who admittedly doesn’t even make you feel like a woman. After all, even if you find out that he’s not gay you are still going to have the exact same problems with the relationship that you are having now. Namely having him not be a very attentive boyfriend or a very passionate or giving lover. Think about it this way. If I don’t like the taste of a certain brand of spaghetti sauce does it really matter what particular ingredients in that sauce are making it taste bad to me? After all, the factory is not going to change it just for me. It is what it is, and just as in relationships either you’re happy with the whole package or you’re not. And it sound to me like your boyfriend, gay or straight, is definitely NOT the whole package.
By the way I’m assuming that you have had these same sexual problems with this guy from the beginning of the relationship and that it’s not just a case of sexual burnout. After all some studies suggest that complete sexual burn out can occur after as little as two years or 1000 times. Eventually any guy will always loose all sexual interest in his partner. It’s just like listening to your favorite song over and over again. Eventually you can’t stand it and only another song will give that great feeling again.
Anyway, if you absolutely must know if this guy is gay then maybe you need to look into his motivations. For example why would a straight guy be in a sexual relationship with a woman? Usually its because they are ashamed of their sexually orientation and so they need to put on appearances. But if that’s the case and he has a normal sex drive then he will still most definitely be sleeping with men and, just as when a straight man cheats there is always evidence of these encounters which can be uncovered. Also I assume you have met his parents. Are they particularly homophobic people? If so that would be a good reason for him to keep his sexual orientation a secret. Of course this isn’t really my area of expertise so you also probably need to post your questions on the gay men’s forum here. I’m sure those guys can give you much more insight into whether this guys a closet gay than I can. But to me a guy is either meeting all your needs or he’s not. And if you can’t even get him to confront the issue, be it low libido or sexual orientation, then nothing is ever going to change. And I personally won’t waste my time with someone who is not willing to confront their own issues.
slobeachboyParticipantMarch 18, 2013 at 4:29 pm #26135
Well, once again I didn’t proofread my post carefully enough until it was too late to edit. When I wrote: “why would a straight guy be with a woman” it’s of course supposed to read “why would a GAY guy be with a women”. I’m sure most of you figured that out by now though – all 12 of you.
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