Insight in a dating experience.

DATING ADVICE FORUM

Insight in a dating experience.

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  • Hayley Matthews Hayley Matthews
    DatingAdvice.com
    October 10, 2018 at 1:36 am FORUM ANNOUNCEMENT

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    Anon90
    Anon90
    Participant
    October 10, 2018 at 11:54 am #186649
    Insight in a dating experience.

    Okay so for context. (28m) (27f)

    I have been seeing someone for 5 months. Casual dating, talking about interests, and the usual. She hasn’t really dated anyone before and isn’t like the usual person I’ve dated. Normally subtle cues are sent and received and body language and is sent and received. She doesnt pickup on cues, but also likes to keep things light. Due to her finally being in a position to date she said early on she wasnt ready to be exclusive. I backed off gave her some space while continuing to talk and hangout.

    3 months in she basically says she isn’t seeing anyone else anymore and I’m looking like a great project for a relationship. I flunked and didnt make a move and we just ended up cuddling up to a movie.

    2 months later I noticed she’s back on dating apps and I’ve still been continuing to see her. No solid conversation about where we stand has been made. I made a mistake of inviting her to a movie and we never had a chance to talk.

    —–

    • This topic was modified 1 week, 1 day ago by Anon90 Anon90. Reason: Not long enough thread
    Anon90
    Anon90
    Participant
    October 10, 2018 at 11:55 am #186653

    So I did the unthinkable. I poured it out. Even worse I did it as a note as it was keeping me awake and it was going to be 7 days until I could have a chance to sit and talk with her. Here is her reply (I hope she doesnt frequent reddit haha).

    Morning. I read through the message you left. Thank you for being honest. I want to first apologize. It wasn’t my intention to hurt you, and I had no idea that you felt this strongly. I think we do need to talk, as I feel there has been a lack of communication regarding this topic. The earliest I can see you is Sunday. Would that work? Perhaps we could meet for coffee.

    From what I’ve read into this (which I know I shouldnt be. Feelings and all that jazz).

    Anon90
    Anon90
    Participant
    October 10, 2018 at 2:43 pm #186654

    Negative Outcome = – This will most likely be a closure conversation. – Coffee would allow her a quick escape after letting me down. – The “hurt you” line is a foreshadowing to she might have been unintentionally leading me on.

    Positive Outcome = – The conversation will be targeted to explain where we are in a relationship and how things can proceed. – Coffee gives us a place to have a focused discussion with little distraction. – The “hurt you statement” refers to how she didnt realize that I was interested as much as I am, and that the drawn out casual dating has had a negative impact on me.

    Obviously the most common outcome is the negative, but does anyone else have any personal experiences similar to this, or see something I dont?

    We both began our dating with the knowledge both of us are looking for a serious relationship.

    richiro
    richiro
    Participant
    October 10, 2018 at 4:58 pm #186720

    postiive outcome – not possible. since she already said “she’s not ready to be exclusive” – there can not be an outcome where she then says “oh i thought we were in a relationship this whole time.”

    “it wasn’t my intention to hurt you” means that she feels she hurt you (most likely you told her she did) which one can’t “hurt you” by telling you you’re in a relationship – so this definitively also means you are NOT in a relationships (atleast not to her).

    she sounds like a terrific person and wants to do right by you (as a friend only.. sorry) and that is a classy person right there. you proably did fall into the friend zone or let yourself by being too nice and accomodating and not bringing it up earlier. sorry…

    but once you’re in the friend zone.. you’re done. no relationship possible (when it comes to how females see it).

    Anon90
    Anon90
    Participant
    October 10, 2018 at 8:18 pm #186732

    Actually all 3 of my major relationships were from a position of the friend zone. So I welcome the challenge to my 4th coming from it as well. I never explicitly told her I was hurt by her in my message. I told her the situation was causing me anxiety and I needed to come clean. Her response in better context as “I didn’t know you were being negatively affected by holding in feelings, while casually dating”. However yes I agree the most likely outcome is she is leaning towards the friend zone, and I agree it’s because I was too accommodating. I know we weren’t in an exclusive relationship. I’m using the term as in we were building a mutual bond of some degree, and not as we were exclusively seeing each other. The way I see it, I have one more shot during out coffee date to miraculously turn this around, and I was hoping to get some direction on how it can be possible to explain something while showing qualities she was originally interested in.

    Anon90
    Anon90
    Participant
    October 10, 2018 at 8:19 pm #186733

    In context of the coffee date, she has agreed to have a conversation on the topic over coffee on Sunday. This however, is the absolute most casual outing her and I have ever been on. Which doesn’t foreshadow well.

    dashingscorpio
    dashingscorpio
    Participant
    October 15, 2018 at 1:16 pm #187044

    “Due to her finally being in a position to date she said early on she wasn’t ready to be exclusive.”
    “We both began our dating with the knowledge both of us are looking for a serious relationship.”

    “3 months in she basically says {she isn’t seeing anyone else anymore} and I’m looking like a great project for a relationship.”
    (Therein lies a contradiction in statements if I’ve seen one.) Apparently she was keeping (her options) open!
    While you were focused only on her she was dating other guys which generally means she doesn’t see YOU as being “the one”.
    You’re looking like a “great prospect” after her seeing other guys means she was at a point where she was ready to “settle”.

    “I flunked and {didn’t make a move} and we just ended up cuddling up to a movie.”
    “Actually all 3 of my major relationships were from a position of the friend zone.”

    Fear of rejection is what puts men in the “friend zone”!
    After 5 months of dating you should have been having sex!
    Rejection prevents wasted time.

    richiro
    richiro
    Participant
    October 17, 2018 at 4:17 pm #187313

    yes maybe you have a relationship come from friend zone in the past 3x – but obviously you are still single aren’t you (aka they didn’t work out). Shes being polite b/c you’re sorta guilting her into it by “pouring it out” and telling her how much you’re going thru over it. Nice girls will agree to “outtings” with such people to be polite or b/c they see you as a “friend” and that’s what friends do.

    Nothign about her language or reaction or how she is “accepting” tells me there is any interest on her part for you.

    You don’t “win people over” and “convince them to be in a relationship with you” over coffee or a date. It JUST doesn’t happen that way. Peopel date or develop relationships b/c they DEVELOP and it becomes one.

    That’s not what you are doing.
    That’s not how any of this is happening or developing.
    So under current pathway – just like i said before – ain’t going anywhere.