It's Complicated

DATING ADVICE FORUM

It's Complicated

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  • Hayley Matthews Hayley Matthews
    DatingAdvice.com
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    StarlingBird
    StarlingBird
    Participant
    April 29, 2018 at 5:15 pm #171810
    It's Complicated

    So, I am a single mom (28 yrs) with a toddler. Last year I met this guy online. He lives out of state, single father. We actually met through a mutual friend and gaming. Anyway, we clicked immediately. We said that we would just keep things easy breezy and not be exclusive which is fine especially because I was recently separated and still living with baby daddy for my toddler’s sake, just staying in separate rooms. So this guy, let’s call him Brad. So Brad and I started talking about April last year. He talked about kids, future this, future that. Was glad my birth control would be done around the time he wanted to try for another kid. He was always asking about my son. Keep in mind, this is all purely online so we never slept together and on top of that, I never sent him any questionable pictures. Obviously, I was withholding because I REALLY liked him and wanted to meet him and make sure the chemistry was really there before “putting out” in a sense. July things fell apart…

    StarlingBird
    StarlingBird
    Participant
    April 29, 2018 at 5:19 pm #171811

    … I became clingy, paranoid, and we got into a huge fight. We stopped talking until last week. He would check in monthly and we were walking on eggshells and I never actually got over him. I finally told him, “Whatever… let’s just talk. I will go at your pace and won’t push my together-forever agenda on you.” He was game. So, he has been calling every day, sometimes twice a day. We did talk about what went wrong last year and things seem to be going well. So, I started reading this self-help book because I have a tendency to give more than I get. I am pulling back because I don’t want to be a “good time” girl. I want to be a “worthwhile” woman. So after doing that, he has been the first to reach out and today he started talking about his god-daughter and now I am feeling myself slip again. I have literally no idea what I am even doing and I am quite frankly, terrified.

    StarlingBird
    StarlingBird
    Participant
    October 15, 2018 at 9:22 am #186988

    😐 Not a single response. Yuck.

    MiaSara
    MiaSara
    Participant
    October 15, 2018 at 9:43 am #187033

    Honestly, I think you need to take a few giant steps back. Have you even met this guy?? This appears to be strictly an online relationship which is usually pure fantasy. And you stated you are still living with the father of your child so it appears you have a way to go before you will be able to enter into a healthy relationship with another. I am concerned about your line of “birth control ending by the time he wants another child?????” Are you already thinking of having a child with this man?

    Personally, I think you need to settle your situation at home. If you are still interested in this guy after that- then meet him, get to know him, date, take things slow. You have a young child to consider – please get your own life in order and get to know someone slowly over time before making any huge decisions.

    dashingscorpio
    dashingscorpio
    Participant
    October 15, 2018 at 11:06 am #187034

    One reason you have so few responses is you really didn’t ask a question.
    Based upon what you’ve written I see a couple of mistakes you made.

    1. Started a Long Distance Relationship
    It’s one thing if you were already dating/in love with someone and one of you had to move.
    However to start something NEW long distance usually makes little sense.
    Unless there’s a light at the end of the tunnel whereby someone is going to relocate couples usually drift apart.
    It’s the counting down of the months, weeks, and days until one is done with being in a LDR that keeps it strong!
    If you’re only going to date someone for FUN of you may as well do that locally.

    2. You didn’t keep your options open by dating multiple people.
    Don’t act like you’re in an “exclusive relationship” when you’re not in one! This is especially true if you met online.
    Dating/focusing on one person causes you to overly emotionally invest too soon.

    Read: My Cat Won’t Bark! (A Relationship Epiphany)

    dashingscorpio
    dashingscorpio
    Participant
    October 15, 2018 at 11:35 am #187036

    By the way if you’re still living with your ex you probably don’t need to be dating or bringing someone over.
    If you find yourself in a hole the first thing you want to do is stop digging!

    Your focus should be getting a job where you can financially afford a place of your own and (put your ex on child support).

    “We said that we would just keep things easy breezy and not be exclusive…”
    This does not sound like a situation in which a woman should allow herself to get pregnant.

    The last thing you need is to be having another baby with someone especially if you’re not in a (stable marriage).
    Having babies never made anyone’s life less stressful. You owe it to the child you have to establish a great career of some kind.
    The best thing you can do for any (future children) you have is to be {very selective} as to who their father will be.
    Ideally it will be within a marriage and not because some guy on a whim tells you he wants you to have his baby.
    Stay on birth control until you’re married.