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writergalParticipantMarch 12, 2013 at 4:03 pm #25588
Hi, I just found this site while reading about online dating and thought I’d ask some questions.
I’ve been looking for someone for about 4 yrs on various dating sites. Currently I’m on OKCupid and Match but I’m not getting any incoming emails from men and my emails reaching out to them go unanswered. In the whole time, I’ve met 3 men. That’s all.
Trying to figure out why my results are so bad, I joined a group coaching program. THe man who ran it just told me to “get out” more and do more activities. I told him what all I did and his said do more in different (bigger) cites from me.
Next I paid a dating consultant to rewrite my profile. I’m embarrassed to say that because I’m a writer. Her simplistic profile got the exact same number of hits my old one did in a week. She blamed me and said that I need to take personal responsibility for my lack of results. But she guaranteed me this profile she wrote would work because my old one was turning away men. All I figured that turned away me was that I had an age range, didn’t want to date men old enough to be my father and I wanted a guy without kids (or grandkids).
The other day I asked a man who wrote a book on the male side of online dating and he told me basically I wasn’t pretty enough to get attention and that he wouldn’t bother looking at my profile because of how I look.
I don’t know what else to do. I’ve spent so much money on “experts” and books and professionally written profiles and have zero men interested. What can I do?
slobeachboyParticipantMarch 12, 2013 at 11:04 pm #25622
Well I can’t really comment on your looks, not having seen you, but it doesn’t really matter because different people are attracted to different things and there are probably very few people out there that absolutely nobody is attracted to at all. Still you need to get the best photos possible. Of course I know from experience that many women will post only old photos of themselves, when they were ten years younger or 30 pounds lighter. They’ll also use whatever tricks they can think of to make themselves look better. For instance an overweight women will pose in a black dress against a black background to make herself look thinner. And whenever I see a woman who’s only profile photo is an extreme close up then it’s a sure bet she’s overweight. I’ve even had women send me photos in which they had altered the aspect ratio of the photo slightly to make themselves look thinner. And believe or not, in the early days I even found some who had photoshopped their heads onto someone else’s body and used it as their profile photo. Of course having an exceptional eye for altered photos I always notice these things.
Anyway, all that stuff aside, I think you are forgetting the fact that most people may not even be seeing your profile photo to begin with. This is because everyone sets certain criteria for their searches and only those profiles which fit these parameters will show up for them. And sometimes these parameters can be extremely narrow. I know for example that some women only want to date men within 2 years of their age, or 5 miles of their house. In fact, I realized long ago that probably none of my ex-girlfriends (which I met the old fashioned way) ever would have met me through online dating because I would not have fit into their search criteria and they never would have even seen my profile in the first place. Of course being a man I always contact the ladies first rather than sitting back and waiting for them to contact me. And in those cases, at least on most sites, there will be a link to my profile with my e-mail so they will see it even it doesn’t fit their criteria. Your stats are still right there though for them to see so usually they will still not write back.
In the real world when we see someone on the street the only thing we notice is whether or not we are attracted to them. And then when we talk to them we notice if the conversation clicks or not. By the time we find out all the other trivial stuff, like age, location, salary, etc., we no longer care because we like the person so much. In online dating however people see those trivial things right off the bat. Imagine if we all had to walk around all day in real life with our profile stats plastered across our chests. A lot of us would never get a date again. The point is that people become much more picky when online. I have actually read profiles where the girl wrote “he MUST have spiky hair” or “He MUST have a gotee”. People get insanely particular on Internet personal. Of course people like that are not looking for a mate, they are looking for some idealized fairly tail image of what they think a mate should be.
Anyway, even though you are a woman that doesn’t mean that you cant continue trying to contact men first. If they are not interested then they just wont write back so you don’t have to face any real rejection in most cases. Of course occasionally people will write back just to tell you they are not interested which I’ve always found rather irksome. After all it’s kind of like they are going out of their way just to reject you. If someone asked you out in real life then of course you must give them an answer. But when someone writes you in response to your profile and you are not interested the correct thing to do is to just not reply. In fact replying to these people to reject them is like getting a flyer in the mail for the grand opening of a new restaurant and then marching down to that restaurant to tell the owner that you have no intention of ever eating there.
Okay now I’m going to tell you something that might actually make you feel a little better about only having met 3 guys in 4 years of online “dating”. I’ve been online dating off and on for nearly 20 years and in all that time I’ve only had real dates with 4 women from the Internet that I was actually attracted to, one of which I ended up in a steady relationship with (and I’m considered moderately attractive). Well, that is if you don’t include the tons of women I dated from online personals when I was living in Asia, but right now we’re talking about personals in this country. Furthermore, even when I was 30, I had to find about 20 women online I might want to meet and write to all of them just to get a single reply. By the time I was 40 That number had gone up to 80 for one reply, even though I looked better at 40 than at 30. The last time I tried it about 7 years ago I had to write to a whopping 521 women to get a single positive reply. And bear in mind it takes hours of painstaking research just to find a few profiles I like. Anyway, that was the last time I tried.
The point is; you have absolutely nothing to feel bad about if even I can’t get responses. Also, I don’t know your age, but Internet personals are really a young person’s game these days. Besides I just prefer doing it the old fashioned way, like approaching a woman in the supermarket or a bookstore, etc. and getting her phone number. Probably the best way to illustrate the difference to between Internet dating and real dating, and why I don’t like the former, is to compare them both to fishing. Internet dating is like fishing with a rod and real from a boat. You sit there for countless hours baking in the sun and waiting for a bite, not even sure if there are any fish down there or if you’re using the right bait. Maybe once in a blue moon you get a few nibbles. Ands maybe you even snag a fish and real it in only to find that it’s too small and you have to throw it back in.
Real dating on the other hand is like spear fishing with SCUBA gear. You just dive down to the bottom, pick the fish you want, spear it, and go home and eat it. That’s the only way to do it as far as I’m concerned.
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