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vegasryanParticipantMay 8, 2013 at 2:59 am #30613
I recently got married, within the last few days literally. Her and I have always fought more than normal people but we never give up. We both have been mean and hurtful and regret it but I have always been the one to forgive easily, but she holds on to things forever and brings everything up in each fight. Small things turn into big arguments and I need to find out how to stop this. We are both stubborn asses. I seem to realize and apologize for my mistakes more while she validates hers. For instance, I have called her names that I should never call someone I love so much, but I have swore that I am focused on fixing that. Now, she continues to call herself those names throwing in my face that I have done it in the past and I hate it. I hate that she belittles herself. I know I am the one who put them in her head but they were said in anger every time and hold no truth in my eyes. Tonight she called herself the names I am forgetting and I got mad, moving to the couch. She tells me I run away every time, but it’s just because she’s a “jfhgd” and a “fdhei”. I told her I’m tire of her calling herself these names but she automaticall assumed that because the names came out of my mouth that I was referencing them to her. This resulted in a punch to the back of the head. I have repeatedly told her that I deserve an apology and that I did not call her the unspoken names, but she excuses her behavior saying I deserve it for the other times. I’m desperate for help here. I love her to death, and I understand her actions to a point but I believe that what she did was uncalled for and deserve the apology. It is hard to change when the things you are trying hard to forget are continuously thrown in your face. Divorce is not an option. How can you stop every disagreement being turned into a yelling match?
DonnieParticipantMay 13, 2013 at 6:43 pm #31094
Sounds tough. I think the pressure of being a “perfect couple” is a bit overwhelming so tell her you are ready to focus on the two of you and not on the past.
I think she’s igniting the fire by bringing up your mistakes just to see if you’ll take the bait. She’s looking for an excuse to get you to call her those things again and when you ignore her, she throws a tantrum like a child, begging for attention.
She might not be finding security in other things in her life. What’s her role, besides “wife” in the relationship? How’s work for her? Is she happy with her close relatives? What about your relatives? I think she feels left out based on what you’ve said.
She’s like a teenager acting out, screaming for something you probably can’t understand or see is an issue.
FInd some time when she’s calm to ask her what’s wrong. If she acts out, go to marriage counseling. There’s nothing embarrassing about admitting you two want help for your future. good luck!
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