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What are you waiting for? One mouse click could be all that stands between you and your next romance!February 1, 2015 at 12:27 am #72311
hi you guys…would LOVE some help…
I met an incredible guy on an online dating website, he lives in another city close by. we totally hit it off and we’d text all the time. he tried to make it to see me a couple of times but he runs his own company and work got in the way.Im a freelancer, so one month into us talking i just booked my tickets and went to his city for a night. we met at a nice restaurant he’d pre selected and had an amazing time, after which we went to his place and here is when it gets confusing… he wouldnt sleep with me!!! in the beginning he didnt kiss me, until i brought it up, i was like, ‘do you even find me attractive?’, and he was like, ‘of course i do youre stunningly beautiful, its just that sex has been such an obvious and available thing for me that if i really like a girl i dont want to sleep with her right away, i dont want to rush things i want to take it slow and for us to really figure each other out”. I’m just like, “ohkayyyy”…February 1, 2015 at 12:28 am #72312
because for me that physical intensity IS really important!! in any case we did make out eventually and it was great, obviously he IS attracted to me. but i have no idea what hes waiting for, he told me yesterday that he doesnt want things to get out of control, he wants the pace to be right… he’s planning on coming to my city the moment hes back from this vacation with his friend…. so im thinking nothing to do but wait…problem is i dont know how long i can do with this no sex thing, this kind of lackluster physicality…i totally felt the passion when we DID make out by i kind of felt like i had to initiate it… what is his deal??!!!! i dont mean to sound egoistic but im considered a very attractive girl… is he just not into me?? this isnt doing well for my self confidence!
ExpatParticipantFebruary 1, 2015 at 1:03 am #72313
Umm… I don’t know what you don’t understand. He explained himself perfectly clearly as to why he’s not prepared to sleep with you. For him a relationship is a lot more than just about sex. To you, sex is a lot more important. If you really want to be with this “incredible guy”, you will need to start listening to what he says and respecting his ideals.
I know personally for me, if a girl is willing to sleep with me after the first time meeting, then it’s a strong signal that the relationship will just be a physical one that I won’t invest much time into. I’ll sleep with her a few times or more than a few if it’s better than normal, but then I’ll move on.
dreamerParticipantFebruary 1, 2015 at 7:27 am #72315
as a guy, my thinking is he probably has another girl in his life who he’s not ready to break up with, although he finds you attractive.
or he may not be as experienced as he wants others to believe.
not many other reasons to not want to have sex, especially if both are interested in each other.February 1, 2015 at 7:51 am #72316
expat… you have to understand…its not like we’re strangers. we’ve been talking non stop for several weeks… on top of that, we were already ‘exclusive’ in the sense that neither of us was seeing other people. problem i think is more about feeling, like i didnt feel like he really was into me. even if i felt he was really into me but was holding back id totally understand and respect that…but anybody, in any equation… wants to feel wanted and desirable…
dreamer…again no it isnt really about the sex…it more about attraction and feeling attractive in the eyes of your partner. it took me mentioning it almost 3 times before he even kissed me…! thats not doing much to make me feel beautiful..
put yourself in my shoes, youre with this person and youre into them but you feel like physically they are keeping a distance. wouldnt it bother you?i want to talk to him about it but not while he’s on his vacation. i think il wait till i see him next…to bring it up…
johnearlyParticipantFebruary 1, 2015 at 1:51 pm #72321
How fast it takes him to sleep with you doesn’t make the relationship good. Actually, the quicker he sleeps with you, the less trustworthy I think it would be. If he wants to wait some time before he sleeps with you, then he’s serious about a relationship. Sounds like a good guy to me.February 2, 2015 at 12:16 am #72341
again…… the more i think about it its not really the sex… its simply about feeling attractive and if its okay to be with someone who doesn’t make you feel beautiful.
ExpatParticipantFebruary 2, 2015 at 4:27 am #72342
So you don’t feel attractive unless the relationship gets physical? You need someone to kiss, touch, or sleep with you to feel beautiful? I’m sorry, and I say this with the utmost respect, but not everyone is wired that way. In my experience, it’s usually people with some psychological issues who feel this way. Perhaps not getting enough or getting the wrong kind of physical touch as a child. Or perhaps it’s tied to general low self-esteem issues. I’m not saying you’re like this, but it could be something to think about.
Everything you’ve said sounds like the guy likes you, he’s just not the type of person who rushes I to physical relationships.February 2, 2015 at 5:01 am #72344
youre absolutely right expat, when i was a kid i was a total geek and i only sort of grew into my looks in my late teens. so yes i do absolutely have some deep seated psychological issues. but i really dont think its JUST that… are you really telling me youd be okay with your partner not being super physically into you? …
the other thing is that i feel ive been making all the effort. I mean I’m the one who ended up going to see him. and now hes at a vacation with a close (female) friend for almost 2 weeks and i havnt heard from him since yesterday ://
the way im figuring this right now. im thinking im just going to ease off a bit, and see whats what when he comes to visit me, which should be around valentines day. i just feel like im putting too much into it and not getting enough back.February 2, 2015 at 5:40 am #72345
Believe it or not, I’m going through almost the same thing (https://www.datingadvice.com/forum/topic/please-crack-the-code-of-this-guy). Although, in my scenario we didn’t even get that intimate as you two did. I think both you and I should just simply calm down, take a deep breath, and relax: you want to rush things that the guy is just simply not prepared for. I also find it extremely hard to believe, that a guy is the one, who wants to take things slower, but actually this is a way he is showing you his respect. For me this was totally frustrating at first, but recently I had to realize, that this is probably the most exciting part of a new relationship, and it is so nice that he wants to make it count. Try to enjoy and appreciate what you already have – if you check out my story, you’ll see that I’m not even there yet with my guy. But guess what? I’m happy at the moment, and I’m really excited to get to the next level 😉 Sleeping with him early would have already killed this buzz 😉February 2, 2015 at 5:45 am #72346
hey eve, i just read you post! …. and yeh its crazy that things are a little similar on both our ends…
are you and your boy still in touch? my guy has fallen off the planet since yesterday while hes on holiday with some girl i dont even know. hasnt bothered to even text.
i dunno. its pretty amazing that you have such a positive outlook. because im just f*#2ng frustrated right now and it bothers me not knowing what is going on! i dont know if i can do this open ended type thing… with no real concrete ‘next time’. as of now he hasnt even texted me in like, almost literally 24 hours.February 2, 2015 at 6:02 am #72348
Believe me, I was really-really frustrated too. My friends put me together again, they also helped me to take my mind off this, so I am really grateful for them these days.
They also made me realize, that the source of my frustration might not only be this guy: I was in a totally disfunctional long distance relationship for way too long (practically alone for 10 months…), then broke it off, was single for 2 months, and then my story started. So all in all, I am craving for intimacy for more than a year now. So taking it slow for me at first was like… KILL ME NOW!!!! 😀
But the guy I’ve just met was truly amazing, and I feel that this deserves a chance. We are just simply in a different phase of our lives: for him getting serious means taking it slow, and I have to respect that, even though I’m really-really impatient these days. But I had to realize, that I can’t blame the new guy for my impatience, that comes from somewhere else…February 2, 2015 at 6:08 am #72350
yeh but… is your boy regular with being in touch and stuff? cause my guy is so erratic… i was losing my mind and totally flipping out with this issue, i messaged him saying that we need to talk. he was on his way to see his friend in the north. he messaged like, almost a day later saying hes super busy and super rushed, but what do we need to talk about. i just messaged saying nothing serious and that we’l chat when we meet and he should have a fun time. that was yesterday morning… I havnt heard from him since…
is that normal. ugh if there wasnt so much ambiguity everything would be easier to deal with.
i have a hard, hard time with patience.February 2, 2015 at 6:17 am #72351
Guys are different…
Before we had our first and only date, we were chatting hours every single evening for 3-4 days. Then after our date he sent me a few short messages in the next 3 days, and then disappeared for 3 days, then I got a text from him again, and the next time I heard about him was 10 (!!!!) days later. I was completely devastated during the 10 days, I mean I had no idea if he just disappeared on me, or what? But timing was really strange, so on day 8-9 I convinced myself that he will eventually show up, because he was just so not that type of guy, or if he was, it is better he disappeared. And when he showed up finally, he sincerely apologized, he was very busy with work, he sent me a really-really long and nice e-mail. Now we are back to e-mails in every 2-3 days.
I find it really hard to believe that during those 10 days he had no time to send me a one minute text. But guys are like that: if they get focused on something else, they can’t think of anything else.February 2, 2015 at 6:19 am #72352
So I know saying to you that you should be patient will probably just make you lose it… But there are so many other things you could focus on, try to do that instead! 🙂 Maybe spend your time complaining to me, if you are really loosing it 😉
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