Hayley MatthewsDatingAdvice.comFebruary 2, 2020 at 2:13 pm FORUM ANNOUNCEMENT
Hey DatingAdvice.com forum readers! Just a quick heads up that a few dating sites are offering a FREE trial to DatingAdvice forum readers. Try it now and meet local singles in just a few minutes! Here are the sites:
Site Who You'll Meet Today's Deal Match.com Casual dating for ages 18-65 Get FREE access EliteSingles Educated professionals 25 and older Get FREE access Adult Friend Finder Hookups, casual encounters Get FREE access
What are you waiting for? One mouse click could be all that stands between you and your next romance!
AnonymousInactiveJune 23, 2014 at 3:05 pm #55970
just the first story. Then there is a story about your story which has to do with you, which is where the pain exists. So let’s say the story about her is true that she still loves him and that he meets some of her needs that you don’t. The story that you then are believing about that is that you are not enough. There is something wrong with you. Here is where the low self esteem lives and creates the hurt about her choices and your belief in this story about you is why the dark cloud can exist in the first place. That dark cloud is exactly what it is….the darker thoughts you are having about the whole situation. The darker thoughts about yourself, to be more specific. If you do “everything” for her (like you stated previously), then there definitely is a part of you making every effort to make sure she is happy and yet she STILL has a need to talk to her ex boyfriend. What does that mean about you??? The answer to that question IS the dark cloud. It’s low self esteem.
AnonymousInactiveJune 23, 2014 at 3:13 pm #55971
Stay with me here, as there are so many dynamics and I will do my best to explain them all. If the low self esteem didn’t exist and you were able to see the entire situation through the eyes of truth that are clear and untainted, pain wouldn’t exist. It wouldn’t hurt like it is. So let’s just play at this for a second. What could the truth possibly be? Let’s say that she is talking to her ex boyfriend still because there still needs to be more resolution…there is still a connection that has not been severed. Does that have anything to do with whether you are enough for her or not??? Absolutely not. Let’s just say there is still a connection with her ex boyfriend because he is meeting some of her needs that you are not. Are you giving her everything you have???? If yes, then is it your fault that her needs are not being met???? Absolutely not! If no, it still is her responsibility to let you know what is missing so that you both can work towards being on the same page.
AnonymousInactiveJune 23, 2014 at 3:19 pm #55972
Here is a personal example. A boyfriend I have for about 3 years while going through college had a really big insecurity with me. He didn’t like that I never got jealous. He felt that because I never got jealous, I must not really care about him. Now that is one way to look at it, but it was not the truth. The truth was, I was just very solid in myself. I new my value. I was very connected to myself in that way. I believed I gave him everything I had. I felt very connected to him, so when a girl would flirt with him (and they always did), I actually would just smile. I would delight in the fact that other women wanted my man which just meant I had a really good guy. I took it as a compliment rather than a threat. I just wasn’t threatened because I knew he has a good catch in me as well and we had a solid relationship. At one point however, he decided to test me to the limits. He met another girl while he was surfing. Beautiful blond who was a good surfer and a killer
AnonymousInactiveJune 23, 2014 at 3:26 pm #55974
smile. He told about her right away and I responded in a way that made it worse. I said awesome! I’m so glad you have a surf buddy now since I could not be that for him. He then started hanging out with her every time I was at soccer practice (which was every day). He would tell me every single time and every single time, it never bothered me. Then one day he started talking about her differently. Then began the seeds of my jealousy. I instantly confronted him and the truth came out. He was doing everything he could to make me jealous. He just wanted to see if I even cared about losing him to another woman. He hadn’t cheated (that I know of…lol). I wasn’t really shocked as we had had the conversation several times about why I never got jealous. It was shocking to me however, the extent he went to in order to get his needs met. He needed to see that he had girlfriend who would fight for him. The story he had about me and my jealousy was just coming from his own
AnonymousInactiveJune 23, 2014 at 3:31 pm #55975
insecurity. And truth be told, it was not my responsibility to fix that insecurity for him. That low self esteem was there waaaaaay before I came along. I just happened to be the one to trigger it and bring it to his attention. If I gave into fighting for him and being jealous just so he could feel better, then I would have done him a dis-service. How are we to EVER deal with our low self esteem unless it gets triggered by current situations?? Reality is, the dark cloud will always be there until you embrace it, learn about it, find out how it got there in the first place and then heal so that it doesn’t exist anymore. The dark cloud is only in your awareness right now because the current situation is activating it. It’s been there all along. If you ignore it this time and never deal with the source, it will go away and then re-appear when a new situation arises except it will be even bigger.
Here is the truth….whether she chooses you are not, you are enough. You are worth
AnonymousInactiveJune 23, 2014 at 3:37 pm #55976
loving, you are worth knowing, you are worth having adventures with, you are worth all of it. Until you know this about yourself (without anyone else to tell you or show you), then someone else will not know it about you. You know how the saying goes….you can only love someone as much as you love yourself.
Okay…that’s the basics. There is much more I could say, but I literally do a workshop for 8 hours just on this topic alone, so this is the best I can do considering the venue.
Now….it sounds a bit like you have co-dependent tendencies. “meeting the needs of others at the expense of your own.” There are absolutely times where this is appropriate and there are times it is damaging. I have a feeling you meet her needs the majority of the time, at the expense of your own. Maybe you don’t really exist in the relationship. You are spending so much time trying to make her happy, that you forget about yourself (I’m just making an educated guess btw). And she is
AnonymousInactiveJune 23, 2014 at 3:43 pm #55977
showing tendencies of narcissim. “meeting the needs of yourself at the expense of another.” Again, this is very appropriate sometimes and sometimes not. So…she is doing as she pleases and ignoring your requests and efforts to talk about what is happening. You are letting her. Perfect narcissistic/co-dependent relationship! They can actually work quite well as long as both people stay in the same role as servant and being served. She obviously has her own issues and as I am not dealing with her, I can only advise you on how you can make some changes for yourself.
So this is how I would handle it. First, I would look at my dark cloud and work towards forgiveness and find my own value in myself without needing her to validate me. Then, I would get really centered in myself and create the belief system that I am okay and worth loving whether she chooses me or not. Then I would confront again. When confronting this time, it is not from a place of needing her to be different
AnonymousInactiveJune 23, 2014 at 3:49 pm #55978
or to change, but from a place of solidarity and standards. You do however, have to be willing to lose her. If you are not willing to lose her, then this will just keep going in circles. You will beg her to stop, she will do it anyways and the dark cloud gets bigger. So….with that being said, it is about having a very quiet conversation about your standards. What you need in order for you to feel like your relationship is worth fighting for and staying in. First and foremost, you NEED a woman who is going to talk through things with you and not change the subject, not get irritated with your concerns and not shut you out. That is part of why this whole thing is very uncomfortable. She is leaving you alone in this. So if she is the kind of person who is going to treat you like that when things are difficult, then I don’t know what else to say other than you are with someone who is not a good sidekick when shit hits the fan and that makes life VERY challenging.
AnonymousInactiveJune 23, 2014 at 3:54 pm #55979
Also in the conversation, create a feeling of curiosity. It will help create a feeling of her feeling safe to open up to you. If you sit down and get real curious about her, her choices, her needs, her perspective (without having a big reaction!!!!!), then it can maybe give you a more clear perspective about what is really happening with her and then maybe she will curious about you in return. Bottom line however, you do not have standards as to how you are treated. If you do, you are not sticking to them. She does not know there are any consequences to her choices because you are still there. You are choosing to stay tortured instead of fight for yourself and what you need. So again, this is about YOU! This is about you not loving yourself enough, not believing you are worth a ton of gold! When you truly start to believe that at your core, EVERYONE you invite into your space will believe that as well. As you yourself gain more self esteem, she actually might even follow
AnonymousInactiveJune 23, 2014 at 3:59 pm #55981
suit and start to value you more.
Another suggestion is to find a 3rd party to help you. Either you go find a Coach for yourself or you can find one together just to help you through this sticky spot. You both have very layered issues going on and it helps tremendously to have another’s viewpoint that can help hold you both accountable. She if she would be willing. You can also suggest doing a couples workshop together. I loooove those! It’s a great way to learn together. There are a million different ways to communicate, resolve problems etc. Read a book together. My point being, if you have 2 people willing to work through the issues and look at themselves and how they are contributing to the discord, then there is chance. If only 1 is willing, then that 1 person has a big decision to make…to stay and accept what is and stay in pain….or go.
Okay…I am done for now. Hopefully this gives you a little more to work with!June 23, 2014 at 4:53 pm #55985
What you said makes a lot of sense. I’ve always been afraid of losing her. I do need to value myself more and be more confident. I know there are things that I need to fix personally, that I need to do on my own that no one could do but myself . I’m a very easy going person, never let too much bother me and like yourself I don’t have jealousy issues. I never minded my gfs ever hanging out with their friends, having a girls night, her talking to other people etc. I think a relationship is perfectly fine being independent from each other and doing their own thing. I find that Im very open minded, I like to do different things, go away, weekend trips, concerts, sporting events, BBQ’s. I think that I do a lot for her and I’m pretty confident that I make her happy.
In my last relationship I definitely sacrificed my happiness for the other person who never genuinely appreciated it and I think that’s definitely going on in this one. I think I lose sight on my own personal happiness bc allJune 23, 2014 at 5:00 pm #55986
I want to do is make the other person happy. I have to relationship is two fold and the other has to put in effort also.
Trust me a lot of what you told me ive told myself that I need to do. I am in no way perfect and I’m not looking to point fingers at her. I’m willing to change what needs to be changed and I acknowledge that holding stuff in isn’t healthy or I shouldn’t just try to put an act on when im with her.
From what I know of the situation I don’t think there is anything that Im not doing that would push her to him. At least that I know of or she communicated to me. She acknowledges what she has done is wrong, doesn’t know why shes doing it and knows I have a reason to be worried. I think she has trouble adapting to change and being in a relationship with someone other than him is a challenge for her. I think its an emotional challenge for her to completely let go of him, no matter how many arguments they had with each other. Maybe we started to hang out to soon afterJune 23, 2014 at 5:04 pm #55987
they broke up. I tried to give her the space that she needed and we didn’t hang out that much after their breakup. Im afraid shes letting him back in and its impossible to move forward knowing that there is communication between the two. I basically need to evolve and grow, learn that it’s okay to be willing to lose her and get more confidence in myself. I want this relationship to work and if it is worth fighting for, she will embrace talking things through to see if we could both meet each others expectations moving forward. She knows we need to talk..shes being honored as teacher of the year tonight so I told her I wouldn’t bring it up today..but its something that needs to be done sooner rather than later.
AnonymousInactiveJune 23, 2014 at 5:14 pm #55988
Sounds like you have a really good grasp on things. I suggest that before you enter into that conversation, get into a space of forgiveness. She has hurt and is hurting you. If you forgive and clear away that negative energy, talking through challenging issues is sooooo much easier! The conversation isn’t tainted by that negative energy inside. One of my favorite techniques is to write a letter to the person and say anything and everything I need to. No filter. Then I take it somewhere beautiful and say my own prayers and then tie the letter to some helium balloons and let them go. It’s amazing how watching that letter physically leaving your hands and going into the unknown, can create the “letting go” of the situation. You can also write the letter and burn it in a trash can, you can turn on some kick ass music and just dance out all of your frustrations and hurt and release them from your mind and body. You can also look up EFT or TFT on youtube. Those are some INCREDIBLY
AnonymousInactiveJune 23, 2014 at 5:16 pm #55989
effective tapping techniques that help you release emotion out of your energetic self. I have been in tears and then started tapping and in about 2 minutes, the tears were gone, nowhere to be found! Either way, go deal with your dark cloud and clear as much as you can before you sit down and chat with her. I would love to hear how everything goes for you! I wish you the BEST!!!!! And congrats to her for teacher of the year award!!!!
Top 10 Best Sites
Looking for a dating site you can trust? Search no more.