Need some advice from a woman's perspective…

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Need some advice from a woman's perspective…

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  • Hayley Matthews Hayley Matthews
    DatingAdvice.com
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    mbrod12
    mbrod12
    Participant
    January 17, 2019 at 8:44 am #192801
    Need some advice from a woman's perspective…

    Hello all,

    Looking for some advice (preferably from a woman) about a current situation. (This may be a 2-3 part post due to space constraints)

    1/3: Cliffs notes version. Met a girl on New Year’s Day at a bar/restaurant. Started flirting with her, bought her a beer, exchanged numbers. She ended up giving me a ride home that night and we made out. Got drinks the following night, made out after. Got dinner and drinks a few nights after that, again made out. A few days after (this would be about a week and a half ago), she texted me and said she’s not sure if she’s ready to date yet and wants to be friends (I’ll explain more details in next post, but I don’t think this is the generic “just want to be friends” line at all)…It actually hit me kind of hard because honestly I fell for her instantly and was riding such a high from the few nights before that. But anyways, I messaged her back and told her I totally understand and I’m cool with being friends and maybe seeing where things go…

    mbrod12
    mbrod12
    Participant
    January 17, 2019 at 8:49 am #192803

    2/3: So she seemed cool with that. However, a few nights after that (this would be about a week ago), she got kind of flirty on text and we texted for several hours. She was going to come over my place last Sunday to watch football and stuff, but she couldn’t make it (her ex was moving out that day so she had her son, and also she had to put her dog down, so a lot going on)

    Now, I think this girl is amazing. She’s fun, attractive, we have lots of similar interests, etc. She has her stuff together, has a very good job, owns her own house, etc. We haven’t gotten into too many details, but sounds like it was a mutual decision to divorce her ex (kind of just grew apart/fell out of love, no infidelity or anything like that), but she is still friends with ex and sounds like he’s a pretty good guy, good father, etc.

    Where I’m struggling is that I like her very much (and she knows I do). I totally understand and respect where she’s at with everything and again know she has a lot going on…

    mbrod12
    mbrod12
    Participant
    January 17, 2019 at 8:56 am #192808

    3/3: But I feel like she likes me but maybe just isn’t ready for a relationship with everything going on. But the fact that we’ve kissed several times and have gotten kind of flirty on text has my head spinning. I think my best avenue is to just be friends with her and support her as I can, take things slow and hopefully things will fall into place.

    I haven’t heard from her since Saturday but again her ex of 12 years literally just moved out and her dog just died and has to work on custody arrangements with her son, etc. So I’m sure emotionally a lot going on there…

    She’s had to cancel plans a few times recently and feels bad about it. The last I heard from her 5 days ago was that she thanked me for understanding and said she’ll try to catch up soon. She seems very honest and genuine, so I don’t feel at all that she’s blowing me off or anything.

    Any tips or advice on how to proceed would be great! Kind of a delicate situation but it does seem promising if I’m patient…

    Thanks!

    dashingscorpio
    dashingscorpio
    Participant
    January 17, 2019 at 10:55 am #192843

    As a guy I have to tell you.
    The “beginning” of any new perspective relationship should be all about FUN and drama free.

    “she texted me and said she’s not sure if she’s ready to date yet and wants to be friends.”
    Trust me if she thought you were “hot” and she was really ‘into you” she wouldn’t want to risk losing you to another woman.
    Your interest in pursuing {a relationship} with her after her being in a 12 year marriage isn’t appealing.
    At some point she will have a sexual urge and simply want to get laid without all the emotional baggage attached.

    When she said she’s not ready to date she meant she doesn’t want to (go from one relationship right into another).
    You have said or did something which indicated to her you want MORE from her than just to have a good time.
    Therefore she put you in the “friend zone”. She’s going to find a guy or guys who just want to have sex and fun.

    You should pull back and date other women. If she hits you up keep things light and let her pursue you.

    dashingscorpio
    dashingscorpio
    Participant
    January 17, 2019 at 11:25 am #192846

    “Nice guys” always assume every woman wants a “serious relationship” all the time.
    In the words of Cyndi Lauper sometimes: “Girls Just Want to Have Fun”
    She just got out of a 12 year relationship. She will want to enjoy her newfound freedom and independence!

    If you act like you don’t want nothing from her other than to have some “fun” she’ll be open to seeing you more.
    Just keep it about flirtation, sexual innuendo, clubbing/partying whenever you do connect.
    And make sure you don’t reach out to her on a regular basis. You want to avoid looking like you want a “relationship”.
    If and when she is ready for that she will have the “What are we?” talk with you.
    Most “serious relationships” started out as (casual relationships) and evolved into something serious.

    Warning if you want to have sex with her never behave like you are “platonic friend”. Keep the flirtation and innuendo going.
    {It is easier for a lover to become a woman’s friend than for a friend to become her lover.}

    mbrod12
    mbrod12
    Participant
    January 17, 2019 at 12:45 pm #192859

    Thanks for the feedback! I appreciate your perspective. I do agree and disagree with what you said. I do agree that I don’t think she wants to jump right into a relationship after just getting out of a 12 year relationship/10 year marriage (of which the divorce I believe is still being finalized), and so there’s still some moving parts with that and custody of her son, etc. I also agree that it’s best to not contact her, or very minimally. Again, she was going to come over my place last Sunday but had to cancel because her ex was supposed to move out Saturday but due to frigid temps (we live in New England), it was pushed back to Sunday, and so she had her son but felt really bad about having to cancel. And also dog got put down etc. So she even admittedly has a lot going on right now…

    mbrod12
    mbrod12
    Participant
    January 17, 2019 at 12:49 pm #192861

    I do disagree about being friend zoned, though. And I’m not just saying that as a way to try and deny it or anything, because I’ve been friend zoned before but I think this situation is unique. For one, I think it’s way too early to tell (I literally have known her for 16 days) and the fact that there has been some, albeit light, physical connection to this point, she was comfortable enough giving me a ride home after knowing me for like an hour, haha. And also had planned to come over last weekend.

    My gut tells me there is interest on her level, but just has a lot going on right now. I think she gave the “friend” talk maybe as a way to tell me to slow down. I certainly don’t think a relationship is out of the question, even if it’s a ways down the road. I could be wrong, but I think if this was truly just going to be platonic, I would know by now. I’m just taking it as it goes, but I definitely agree to keep the flirtation going…

    avrilrenee
    avrilrenee
    Participant
    January 17, 2019 at 2:45 pm #192874

    Dear mbrod12,

    I know you wanted a female’s perspective so here it goes.

    1. I applaud you for being so compassionate and empathetic in what she’s going through. Trying to see things through other’s perspectives is a sign you will have a successful relationship with somebody.
    2. Since we can’t know exactly what’s going on in her mind or her motives we can only guess. As a woman, I’d say any time I came out of a long-term relationship I was vulnerable and in need of connection and comfort yet usually wasn’t clear-headed enough to choose wisely, despite thinking I was at the time. Seeing as she was honest enough to voice her desire’s not to enter into a relationship I’d suggest you take that as the truth and her flirting is her deep sense of need and vulnerability right now. She could very well be attracted, connect with and like you but do you think she’s in any position to enter into a new relationship with a healthy mindset right now?
    3. See next post, out of characters.

    avrilrenee
    avrilrenee
    Participant
    January 17, 2019 at 2:55 pm #192875

    Reply cont’d.

    3. Spend some quiet time reviewing who you are, your needs, what you enjoyed and liked in previous relationships and what you didn’t. Write down what your needs and desires are and most importantly, your no negotiation standards are. For example, I had decided I was no longer going to date a man who wasn’t already on his own path of self-awareness and wasn’t ready for a healthy relationship. This helped me to weed out the guys I was attracted to but that didn’t fit my needs. You get to decide what you want and don’t decide from a place of desperation or fear. (from your post you sound like you want a relationship but that’s just my impression)
    4. In the meantime, keep your options open. Just like men don’t like needy women, who are always available and respond to texts immediately, women don’t like needy men. A person who has a life and is already happy is attractive. It says he must have some good things going in his life and inspires interest.
    Good luck!

    mbrod12
    mbrod12
    Participant
    January 17, 2019 at 3:06 pm #192878
    Reply To: Need some advice from a woman's perspective…

    Hi Avril,

    Thank you for the informative and thoughtful reply! Much appreciated.

    Yeah, it’s just hard to say right now but I guess it is pretty early to assess where it’s at. I like her a LOT and she knows it. And I do think she likes me too but again she admittedly does have a lot going on right now, so maybe the time isn’t right for her.

    However, I do think as long as the lines of communication stay open and we continue to hang out as friends, something could happen. As noted in my initial post, she’s had a ton going on over the last week or so and also is out of state for a wedding this week. But the last text she sent me Saturday said she appreciates my understanding and that she will try and catch up soon. And again, she seems very genuine and honest, so I’ll just take her for her word but we seem to click and hopefully we can hang out soon as friends, and maybe see where it goes w/o any pressure…

    mbrod12
    mbrod12
    Participant
    January 17, 2019 at 3:08 pm #192879
    Reply To: Need some advice from a woman's perspective…

    And as a side note, I got divorced in December 2017 and found out very shortly after that my ex had an affair (she never admitted nor apologized), so I myself went through a ton of life changes (sold house, moved, divorced, started new job, etc)…So I did go on a handful of “random” dates in 2018 but maybe I wasn’t ready, but I feel a very strong connection with this girl…

    jennyfhook
    jennyfhook
    Participant
    February 6, 2019 at 12:20 pm #194260
    Reply To: Need some advice from a woman's perspective…

    Seems to me she liked the attention, but then it got a little too hot under her feet. Give it time.

    GJ
    GJ
    Participant
    February 7, 2019 at 9:25 am #194364
    Reply To: Need some advice from a woman's perspective…

    Hello Mbrod12

    I read your entire post and thank you for the well organized and clear background. However there was a lot of good background about this woman but very little about you. To provide you with the appropriate feedback kindly answer the following questions:

    1. What is your age?

    2. What is your relationship history?

    3. You shared that you think this girl is amazing. She’s fun, attractive, we have lots of similar interests, etc. She has a very good job, owns her own house, etc. So what makes her so fun, attractive? What does having a good job and her own house mean for you?

    4. How do you feel that she has a son (what age?)

    5. How do you feel that this woman is first separating from her ex of 12 years and has not completed the separation process including her own emotional reactions (she is clearly showing you that she is conflicted about dating at this time; she is available and then not available), custodial and residential agreements?

    GJ
    GJ
    Participant
    February 7, 2019 at 9:27 am #194365
    Reply To: Need some advice from a woman's perspective…

    I look forward to reading your reply and giving you my feedback.

    Best Wishes

    GJ   

    mbrod12
    mbrod12
    Participant
    February 16, 2019 at 4:26 pm #195057
    Reply To: Need some advice from a woman's perspective…

    @jennyfhook, thank you!

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