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AntParticipantMay 1, 2018 at 8:08 am #171901
I have a new girlfriend and she seems to be under the impression that I am going to continue to pay for everything when we date. I supported my wife for 21 years and brought up 2 children. This new girlfriend seems to think I am going to pick-up where her husband (deceased) left off. She mentions going on foreign holidays and all sorts of things that cost money. I have been divorced for many years now and usually if a woman behaves like this I just drop her. This one however I really like and I want her to stick around. Its not so much that I can’t afford to pay it’s more that I think i have done my share of paying. Any suggestions as to how I tell her nicely that I want us to share the cost of going out.
Coach_Michael21ParticipantMay 1, 2018 at 11:12 pm #171984
It’s good that you are noticing these things early. The best course of action is to talk about these things sooner rather than later….The last thing you want to do is to continue to pay for everything, even when you don’t want to, and bring this up months later after her expectations have already been met plenty of times. Sit down with her and let her know exactly what your expectations and boundaries are as far as this issue is concerned. Be polite about it without being confrontational. Make sure to stick to your boundaries on this and don’t cave in to any unreasonable requests that could strain your finances or for that matter, your own personal comfort level with finances. Good luck!
drock11ParticipantMay 3, 2018 at 7:06 pm #172147
You should do what you want to do. Never let a woman be the reason you lose your own conviction. Yes there is such thing as compromise, but if you don’t feel comfortable paying for things then don’t. If it’s a problem you can talk to her and explain it and come to a decision. If she leaves you because of it, even though it will hurt and sucks, it is for the best because she should love you for you and what you stand for, not your money.
abilaw34ParticipantMay 4, 2018 at 6:27 am #172154
It’s quite an uncomfortable subject to approach at first but it’s really best to talk about it. Open communication is key to making any kind of relationship work. Maybe say something like, “shall we start paying for dates 50/50? Or take turns to treat each other?” That’s a nice subtle way to approach the situation I feel. Again, as others have said, if she leaves you for it then that’s her loss, not yours
jcParticipantMay 10, 2018 at 10:21 am #172764
one of my ex said ‘ men also would like to be invited by women’ maybe you should find a right moment to say this…
cantthinkofaname32ParticipantMay 11, 2018 at 12:16 pm #172971
She might be old fashioned and think it’s just how a man shows respect and affection. Just talk to her about it.
dashingscorpioParticipantJune 12, 2018 at 11:51 am #176816
If occasionally paying for dates or going Dutch were in her mindset she would have done so by now.
You never mentioned if she had an income or how long this has been going on.
You could always tell her up front anything super expensive like the foreign trips would have to be “Dutch treat”.
There are two possible things going on here.
1. She truly believes (men) are suppose to always pay. That’s how it’s always been in her life.
2. She is a “gold digger” and the moment you stop paying she’s out of there.
You said: “I want her to stick around.”
If she bolts because you tell her you want to share the costs on things odds are she wasn’t really “into you”.
It’s better to find out now than spend another dime! Ultimately you want someone who shares your same values.
If she doesn’t then (she) is not “the one” for you.
DeceptivetoeParticipantJune 13, 2018 at 1:16 pm #176960
You just need to explain your concerns
greenbookParticipantJune 15, 2018 at 1:34 am #177088
My only comment as a man is this: if a girl asks you out, she pays. Period. It’s 2018. Being that I normally pay for the first date, after 2 or 3 dates I expect my date to come up with her own date idea. But man, I will not tolerate a woman not paying who asks me out. I once had this happen to me. I paid for the date (when she flat out refused to do so), but I told her that I wouldn’t be seeing her again due to her rudeness.
doninvaughanParticipantAugust 17, 2018 at 2:48 pm #181848
Looks like I’m the really odd one here.
I haven’t been dating for over 30 years, but if I’m out on dates right now, I wouldn’t mind paying for everything on dates. Maybe I’m just too old fashion, or I’m really outdated, whatever it is, I still believe it’s just being a gentleman to pick up the tab when taking a lady out.
…She mentions going on foreign holidays and all sorts of things that cost money…
You said “she mentions…” which doesn’t indicate anything about you involving in the cost, so I’m not sure what I’m missing but I don’t know why you would bring it up? it seems to me like maybe she’s just sharing her concerns with you, doesn’t mean she’s asking you for assistance (unless she did and you didn’t mention it).
TruthtellerParticipantApril 24, 2019 at 12:45 pm #199061
Tell her “My feelings are so hurt because you have in no way shown you also intend to be as generous! I wonder if this is just about my generosity!”
Christina85864ParticipantApril 24, 2019 at 7:48 pm #199138
I think at first a guy should pay for things, no doubt. However, after you are in a relationship, I think the girlfriend should pay for things here and there out of respect. Not that she doesn’t respect you if she doesn’t offfer, it that’s just how I am and everyone views this different. If it’s something that bothers you at this point, then it seems like maybe you could say something f like…” I enjoy taking you out and treating you to things, but maybe we could both pitch in for things every once in a while?” Especially if she’s talking about a big trip and she’s the one suggesting it.
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