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DATING ADVICE FORUM

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  • Hayley Matthews Hayley Matthews
    DatingAdvice.com
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    Anonymous
    Anonymous
    Inactive
    June 15, 2014 at 11:34 pm #55378
    Reply To: private

    That you will not be okay if you die alone. That there is something wrong with you that you are 21 and have never kissed a girl. That you are a coward. Where the heck did all of these thoughts come from??? Why are you choosing to believe them?? Whenever I am dealing with a fear that is controlling my life, these are the questions I dive into deeply. What and how and why? I want to know the source of the fear. Once I know the source, then I am more empowered to deal with it. The only way out of fear is through it. When I was younger, I had so many fears that controlled me. One by one, I would face them. And you know what happened??? Every single time I was afraid and did it anyways, I realized I came out the other side less afraid and stronger. Now, I of course still have fear, but I step right into them because I know what will happen. I will conquer it. And even if I fall, I will get back up. If I fall again, I will get back up. Again and again and again….

    Anonymous
    Anonymous
    Inactive
    June 15, 2014 at 11:43 pm #55379
    Reply To: private

    until 1 day, I have mastered the fear. You see Daniel…fear is going to be a part of your life forever. You might as well get used to feeling it, being challenged and crippled by it at times. Instead of fighting with your fear as if it your enemy, look at the gifts it bring you. Fear requires strength to face it, so it makes you stronger to handle life. Fear connects you to your subconscious and faulty belief systems that only junk up your heart and mind. Fear Daniel….is a gift. Invite your fear to dinner and get to know it really well! Respect it, don’t hate it. It’s like the martial art of Jiu Jitsu (I think that’s the right modality). My point being, that it’s a martial art that goes with the force to overthrow it vs. going against it. So as someone is using their force to try to punch you, you take that already existing power and movement and go with it, add to it, in order to come over it. When you treat your emotions that way, it is absolutely incredible what you

    Anonymous
    Anonymous
    Inactive
    June 15, 2014 at 11:49 pm #55380
    Reply To: private

    can transform them into!!! So here is the trick….you are feeling depressed (which is pretty normal by the way), so instead of wallowing entirely, turn on a depressing song and dance what depression feels like. Get a journal and write about it, write a story about it, go take 5 dozen eggs and throw them at a picture you drew of someone who pissed you off, write a letter and say everything you want to say and then burn it in a trash can. The point is, take your depression, fear, hurt, anger and hopelessness and transform it into something else instead of letting it just keep you stuck. As long as there is movement in some direction, then you are handling your emotions vs. you becoming and being absorbed by them. Another VERY powerful tool is EFT or TFT. These methods are tapping techniques that are incredibly powerful to help process emotions. I will not go into detail about these different methods since you can read about it on your own, but just know it’s an incredible way to

    Anonymous
    Anonymous
    Inactive
    June 15, 2014 at 11:56 pm #55381
    Reply To: private

    help you deal with emotions that are crippling you from living your life. So here is the focus for you…learn how you are going to face your fears. Because Daniel, the subject of your fear just happens to be a first kiss FOR NOW. After you finally have your first kiss (and you will), then having sex will be fearful, then falling in love with be fearful, then getting married will be fearful, then going for interviews will be fearful. Fear will be EVERYWHERE, so the point here is, how are you going to develop a healthy skill set to face your fears, for the rest of your life??? Stop thinking that your fears are such bad things. It’s just a normal, human reaction to challenges we all face. I also highly recommend finding some role models who face their fears in books and movies. It helps a lot to watch someone else do what we need to be doing. So go rent some movies or find some books with characters that are standing up and facing their fears. Go buy some cd’s that you can listen

    Anonymous
    Anonymous
    Inactive
    June 16, 2014 at 12:01 am #55382

    to that are motivating (i.e. Tony Robbins, Wayne Dyer). Make a your own playlists that are only songs that build you up and remind you of your strength. It helps tremendously to have other voices to listen to outside of the mean voices you hear in your head (like you are going to die alone).

    And just fyi…I know 1 guy who is in his mid 30’s and has never kissed a girl or even been on a date. I know a woman who finally had sex for the first time in her 60’s. I know another guy who had his first kiss about 2 months ago actually. He is 28. You are not alone. You are strong enough to face this fear. You are strong enough to handle whatever happens after you face it. If it’s a bad kiss, then it’s a bad kiss. So what!!! Everyone has bad kisses!! If it’s a good kiss, then awesome!!! Either way, it is just the adventures of life! It’s up and down and it’s very important for you to learn to be okay with that if you are going to actually enjoy the rollercoaster ride.

    Anonymous
    Anonymous
    Inactive
    June 16, 2014 at 12:15 am #55383

    Because if you don’t figure out how to enjoy the ride called life (the up and downs and everything in between), then you are going to have some pretty challenging years ahead of you. So this is all within your own power and choice to either embrace it or fight it. And sometimes you may do both, but that’s okay! At least you are living your life instead of hiding in it.

    So youtube EFT or TFT, an AMAZING book I LOVE LOVE LOVE is called “Unstoppable” by Cynthia Kersey, some good movies are Men of Honor, The Last Samurai, Avatar, Miracle, Field of Dreams, Star Wars, Hitch, For Love of the Game, Good Will Hunting, Rudy (and the list goes on), go get a journal and start writing, make your playlists, find a motivational speaker who inspires you and literally DOWSE yourself daily with this stuff! Little by little, you will start to strengthen yourself, because you will be inundating yourself with positive messages and then ONE DAY, you will face your biggest fear at the moment and you

    Anonymous
    Anonymous
    Inactive
    June 16, 2014 at 12:18 am #55384

    will kiss a girl. And then after you kiss her, you will be smiling inside because it was a significant moment for you. You will be standing taller because you are now stronger. And you will absolutely be laughing at yourself because of how afraid you were, when all that silly fear really was for nothing. THE END! Now get after it!

    daniel
    daniel
    Participant
    June 16, 2014 at 6:44 am #55395

    Thanks for taking so much time to really answer my questions in depth. I guess the “lies” as you put them, come from feeling a bit like a freak. While there are some people who have no experience at my age, they are not many.
    But I like what you said about needing to find a way to confront fears (any fears) for the rest of my life. And maybe being so different than everyone I know is one of the fears I constantly face.
    Thanks again,
    Daniel

    Anonymous
    Anonymous
    Inactive
    June 22, 2014 at 1:35 pm #55880

    Daniel….being “different” is something quite special. If you define being “different” as being a “freak”, then again, you are going to have a very tortured life. It is the people that are different in this world that have such incredible abilities to create change in this world. If everyone were primarily the same, life would be quite boring wouldn’t it? I loooooove different! I have dated guys in wheel chairs, guys from other cultures, fat, skinny, super short, super tall….I have dated soooo many guys who had something different about them. Yes….I will validate that what made them different meant that they dealt with a certain level of rejection. It also meant that maybe there were only a certain percentage of people who would be able to handle what was different about them. Every single one of them was so much stronger because of it though. I would rather be “different” and stronger for it than “normal or average” (whatever the heck that is anyways) and not be

    Anonymous
    Anonymous
    Inactive
    June 22, 2014 at 1:52 pm #55882

    challenged. There are a million people who have changed history because they were different….their views and beliefs were different, their body was different, their life was NOT EASY so they had to conquer far and above what most people have to face. It is also those people that create change in this world. Women can vote, gay people can get married, someone with black heritage is our president, Joan of Arc was a female who led armies of men….and the list goes on. So are they all “freaks” because they are against the grain??? Absolutely not! They are some of the most powerful people in the world. So I would suggest the first place for you to start is to re-define “different” as something so beautiful and perfect to serve a very large purpose in this world as opposed to “freakish”. These might give you some perspective….hope this helps 🙂

    http://youtu.be/3H3e2MXV6iY

    http://youtu.be/buRLc2eWGPQ

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