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darian60ParticipantJune 3, 2014 at 1:15 am #54294
Been dating this girl for 6 weeks and we decided to become exclusive. I’m happy with her and things seem to be progressing well and at a good pace. There is one thing I’m not sure how to handle.
During a conversation I mentioned something about how I personally don’t like putting myself in situations that could lead to problems in a relationship. She asked if it was okay if that she goes out with her roommate/best friend to bars and clubs. I should have asked for time to think about it more, but my initial reaction was that I trusted her and was fine with it.
Her best friend/room mate is getting engaged and seems to be wanting to have some last hurrahs before getting married and is inviting her to go to out to the bars/clubs. I don’t think she is the one initiating these outings. It seems to be at least once a week.
Want some advice if I should be cool with this or if I should be concerned. I’m not the controlling type, but only had 1 GF that did this and it didn’t end well.
JessLonParticipantJune 4, 2014 at 7:34 pm #54496
I don’t think there is anything wrong with going out often, do u trust her?
kaleighParticipantJune 4, 2014 at 11:49 pm #54500
I think you do trust her but you don’t trust the crowd she hangs around, which is understandable. If you don’t like to she is going out then you should tell her. If you tell her assure her that you are not trying to come off as a controlling boyfriend, but as a man who doesn’t want to be broken hearted.
Arron WParticipantJune 5, 2014 at 12:41 pm #54606
I would ask if one night you can tag along with them to the bar. If everything is kosher and fine, it should not be an issue. If the answer is immediately no, then you have reason to question why you can’t and be a little concerned.
darian60ParticipantJune 5, 2014 at 1:48 pm #54627
Thanks for the feedback. I do trust her. But trust is something that you continue to build in a relationship after you learn about each other and see their actions. We have only been dating 6 weeks, so I don’t have unwavering trust in her yet.
I don’t know her friend at all as we haven’t met yet, so not sure what kind of influence she is on my GF. The big thing is I’m not thrilled about what time they go (around 11:00pm) or the specific place they go.
That is a good idea about joining them once. I think I want to wait to be introduced to the friend before inviting myself along though.
After putting some thought into this, I have come to the realization that if she is going to do something inappropriate, I can’t control that. I can’t/don’t want to be involved in every aspect of her life and monitor her every move. If she cheats, she cheats. Then I know it she wasn’t the person I was meant to be with.
- This reply was modified 5 years, 3 months ago by darian60.
greyheartedgoddessParticipantJune 8, 2014 at 9:56 am #54750
I agree with Arron. I love when my bf wants to tag along!
AnonymousJune 10, 2014 at 12:36 pm #54945
Hi Darion60! You are in a very common scenario that I get a lot of questions about. I am going to make a different suggestion that has always turned out really well. Let it go! And what I mean by this is exactly what you stated in your last paragraph….you cannot control her choices. If she cheats, she cheats.
Here is the thing about trust…this is not about her, this is about you. I teach people that trust is not about putting it in the OTHER person, it is about putting it in YOURSELF! The MAIN reason that I personally am able to live my life completely and fully, especially when dating, is because I trust myself. I trust that no matter what the other person decides to do, I will be okay. I have an incredible support system of people that can help me through anything, I have a MASSIVE skill set on how to manage and heal whatever causes hurt and I have been through all kinds of rejection, abandonment, betrayal etc. Every single time I have landed back on my feet,
AnonymousJune 10, 2014 at 12:41 pm #54946
much stronger than before. Pain is a gift. Many people struggle with this, but let’s think about it. Without pain, we would not know something is not right, we would not be motivated to grow and learn and we would not have any lessons to learn. BUT…if you have trust in yourself that you are strong enough to handle ANY situation that comes into your life, you have the freedom to live it. I step forward into many situations, even if I am afraid, because I know my own strength. I am okay if pain and hurt decides to show up and challenge me again. It’s just a part of life.
My last boyfriend had a history of cheating (on other girlfriends). I knew this going into the experience with him, however I decided to go for it anyways, because I was seeking to have a specific kind of experience. As it turns out, I was the only girl he never cheated on. Even to this day (5 years later) he swears on his life that he never cheated and never even wanted to. I of course asked why not?
AnonymousJune 10, 2014 at 12:48 pm #54947
He told me about a moment that changed him with me. It was at the beginning of our relationship and he mentioned that he wanted to go out with the boys to some clubs (we lived in South Beach Miami where some of the most beautiful and available women live, scantily dressed and looking for someone to pay attention to them). My response? “Okay! Have fun!” And he could tell that I meant it. I remember him having a confused look on his face. He was used to girls getting upset and jealous and causing fights sometimes because they did not want him to go. He is a very attractive man and has never had any problem getting what he wanted, so girls naturally did not trust him. Their need to control him just activated rebellion in him, hence cheating. He, at first, did not trust my reaction. He told me when he was out, he was just dreading coming back home because he figured I would pelt him with questions and torture him about his evening and that I would want to come next time.
AnonymousJune 10, 2014 at 12:56 pm #54949
Do you know what happened? He actually ended up knocking on my door that first night out on the town with the boys around 3am. I let him in and welcomed him with a big hug and kiss and we went to bed. We talked the next day and he realized I really was okay. I was not jealous, I was just curious about his evening like I was about any other evening he had. I remember him asking me why I was not jealous. I told him that he is going to be whoever he wants to be and I either accept that or not. I am not in the business of changing him. If that means he wants to go out and dance and flirt with beautiful women, then that’s who he wants to be and I am not the kind of person to tell him what is okay or not. He is an adult and knows whether what he is doing is something in or out of his integrity. I was NOT going to be his mother telling him rules about how to behave. If I ended up coming across information that I was not comfortable with about his choices, then we would just talk
AnonymousJune 10, 2014 at 1:03 pm #54951
about it and at that point, either fix or re-design the relationship. The only reason I had no issue whatsoever with my very hot boyfriend going out to be surrounded by beautiful women who I knew would appreciate his charm and smile and good looks, was because I had a core belief that I myself was a good catch. And what I mean by that, is my value comes from me. Whether he chooses me or not, I am still valuable. I also knew that no matter the outcome, I am extremely resilient and will be okay. Therefore, whoever I am with, has the freedom to be and choose what they want as I expect the same freedom in return. Relationships are not about rules and boundaries about who to be and what you are allowed to do or not do. To me, relationships can still contain a massive amount of freedom to continue to explore life…sometimes together and sometimes not. So looooong story short, he never cheated and never even wanted to because I put the choice in his hands. I treated him like an
AnonymousJune 10, 2014 at 1:07 pm #54952
adult. It wasn’t about trusting him not to cheat (because considering his history, the odds were pretty high), it was about me trusting myself that I can handle anything I need to. It was about me holding value in myself knowing and fully believing that he had quite an amazing partner in me and if he wanted to mess that up, then that was information I needed to know about him anyways, at which point I could make different choices if need be.
Sorry this was so long. I help so many people deal with this issue and it happens to be one of my very favorite topics. lol….hope this helps!
AnonymousJune 11, 2014 at 7:42 am #55051
You need not to worry about it, let her do her thing because even if you guys are in an exclusive relationship you both are still two different individuals with very different preferences.
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