Really hurt at the party tonight

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Really hurt at the party tonight

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  • Hayley Matthews Hayley Matthews
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    December 12, 2018 at 2:15 pm FORUM ANNOUNCEMENT

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    greenbook
    greenbook
    Participant
    August 5, 2018 at 5:50 am #180820
    Really hurt at the party tonight

    This is going well beyond 1,000 characters. I am sorry, but there is no other way to describe it. I am a 39 year old male who has been dating a wonderful woman who is 37 for nearly 7 months. Tonight we went to a party given by one of her co-worker friends at her job (she is financial services). I think 15 people were there. 10 women and 5 men (including me). 4 of the guys were boyfriends of the female co-workers. One was a male co-worker. The party, as usual, was a problem for me because I am flat out introverted person, and my girlfriend knows this. In case you do not know, introverts are not shy people. They are people who like their own company and who prefer having a few very close friendships and a deep emotional relationship with their romantic partner. Shy people want to be socially engaged, want to go to parties, but they are scared to. Introverted people just hate these social gatherings.

    greenbook
    greenbook
    Participant
    August 5, 2018 at 5:53 am #180821

    Introverts would rather be on their own reading a good book, or having a candlelight dinner with their loved one. Nonetheless, relationships are give and take, and I understand that I must compromise at times. The fact that this party involved my girlfriend’s co-workers, and the fact that she is very successful at work, it was important for me to be there, so I sucked it up. She really appreciates when I do this, because she knows it’s not my favorite thing. At the end of the day, I love her, and I really respect how smart she is and how successful she is at her job. I find this sexy. It is not threatening at all.

    I am not going to get into a huge discussion about my childhood and how crappy it was because I came from a broken family with mental illness, no real mom in the house, and how I was bullied to the point of physical violence. I was also sick as a kid with severe asthma and went through my whole childhood with an undiagnosed learning disability.

    greenbook
    greenbook
    Participant
    August 5, 2018 at 5:57 am #180822

    One of the things that I became very aware from an early age was how different I was from other boys, and my dad spared no expense on picking on me for being a “sissy” artistic person. Fortunately I did find some male friendships over the years with boys (and later adult men) who were more like me. Nonetheless, by the time I hit my teens, and certainly my 20’s, it was really obvious that as I man I didn’t match very well with the male gender stereotypes and generalizations that were given to me by this society and my own dad and his friends. I also couldn’t relate to traditional gender roles, even though I was 100% heterosexual and loved women. But I have fortunately managed to meet 3 very close male friends who are like me, and a great romantic partner Our communication is superb, and we have very common communication rules. The fact that I am different as a male is something she has continually referenced as being one of the major reasons she fell in love with me. At least I think..

    greenbook
    greenbook
    Participant
    August 5, 2018 at 5:59 am #180823

    Getting back to the party…….I don’t drink booze at all. My girlfriend does, but even at this party, she didn’t partake that much. But a few of her co-workers did. At some point, two thirds into the party, the topic of dating, relationships and God forbid, sex came up. As everyone knows, booze lowers the inhibitions of some people, but even then, I strongly suspect that most of the women (and all the of men) believed in gender roles, but more importantly, believed in gender stereotypes and generalizations. So the jokes started floating around, and the stereotypes. Being outnumbered, the men took most of the shots. I caught my girlfriend laughing hysterically at times, even when some of her girlfriends were looking at me while they were saying things that I found very hurtful.

    greenbook
    greenbook
    Participant
    August 5, 2018 at 6:02 am #180824

    I did not want to say anything because this was my girlfriend’s social engagement, some of these women were her buddies, there were men there who actually found this stuff funny (even though I would NEVER use such humor on women as I hate when they are stereotyped as well). I didn’t want to embarrass her, but it was getting to be too much, and so I just went into the bathroom and stayed there for 10 minutes, hoping the subject would change.

    I was deeply hurt that my girlfriend wouldn’t stand up for me. I was hurt because part of the reason she had fallen in love with me, supposedly, was because I was different from these male stereotypes. But most of all, I have been dealing edema and low testosterone related to multiple medications I am taking, and some of the jokes were directed at men and how all they care about is sex, and that they are willing to do it even at the most inappropriate times. Well, I wasn’t like that before my health issues, and especially after them.

    greenbook
    greenbook
    Participant
    August 5, 2018 at 6:03 am #180825

    Also, I am educated enough to know that women sometimes have higher sex drives than their men. It is NOT a sign that there is a problem with the man. It’s a sign that people we are all different, and you just work out a compromise. I would say my girlfriend had a higher sex drive even before I had health issues. After all, I was the one who insisted on not having sex until we were in a committed relationship with trust and emotional communication. I guess what I am getting at I that while people feel it is misguided or not, I feel that people who even LAUGH at this kind of humor do so because they believe it is “so true.” That is normal. So I take it as an insult. In that moment tonight, I felt that I she felt I was “failing her as man.” That if she didn’t laugh or even just snickered, it would be because she didn’t feel “all men” were like this.

    • This reply was modified 4 months, 1 week ago by greenbook greenbook.
    greenbook
    greenbook
    Participant
    August 5, 2018 at 6:04 am #180826

    When I got out of the restroom, it didn’t even occur to my girlfriend that I was in there an unusually long time. I thought that someone who cared for me would either figure out that I was emotionally upset by the jokes, or at the very least, was concerned that maybe I was sick to my stomach or had some other issue. Anyway, I came back out, and thank God the subject matter had changed. After maybe 20 more minutes that seemed like 2 hours, we all parted company, and I drove my girlfriend home. After about 5 minutes she said, “Well you are kind of quiet, I know that parties like that are probably draining for you.” I had said: “I am so emotionally upset with you right now that I do not trust what I would say, and therefore, I am sorry, I cannot talk right now. I will talk about it, but not now. It wouldn’t be fair.” He soon saw tears streaming down my face.

    greenbook
    greenbook
    Participant
    August 5, 2018 at 6:05 am #180827

    I never cry like a baby. My tears do fall down. She said, “I respect that you don’t want to talk, but I wish you would, because it is now really bothering me that I screwed up somehow.” I said, “You did, and you did in such a way that I hadn’t been dating you for 7 months, I would break up with you right now. I should be able to talk by Sunday or maybe Monday night.”

    The truth is I don’t know what to say. I have a feeling half of the men on this site probably think I am way overreacting and that I am a wimp, but I could be wrong. And there are probably women who feel I am really overreacting. But it’s mainly the opinion of women I am interested in. My anger and hurt will have settled down by Sunday or Monday, and I should be able to talk without yelling or any such stupid behavior.

    greenbook
    greenbook
    Participant
    August 5, 2018 at 6:06 am #180828

    If this woman were someone I had been dating for a month I would give her an explanation and dump her right away. I cannot be in any relationship with a woman who finds these kind of jokes to be funny, and who doesn’t even stick up for me when she knows that I am different, how the whole psychological issue is a sore spot for me (despite years of counseling), and especially because of how my health has been of late. . I am willing to forgive her, but on certain conditions. Part of me doesn’t want to ever attend a party or social get together with her friends ever again, but I know I can’t get away with this. I mean, the one thing I will credit my girlfriend with is that while she laughed at the jokes, she didn’t add any of her own, and she didn’t share anything personal about me or our life together.

    greenbook
    greenbook
    Participant
    August 5, 2018 at 6:07 am #180829
    Reply To: Really hurt at the party tonight

    I need to remind her how much these jokes and any general roles or stereotypical expectations of men or women based on their gender emotionally upsets me. It’s a major trigger from my childhood. If I am willing to compromise and attend her social events, I feel she owes it to me to not embarrass me just because she’s around her buddies.I am also developing a real concern, whether it is right or not, that when she goes out with her gal pals that she is sharing too much about me and my health issues. I have lost a lot of trust in her. I told her from the very beginning of our relationship that while I am communicative as a man, it is based in privacy and when I ask that something remain private, that it remain locked and sealed, even if it’s with her best gal pal she known since she was 15.I just so hurt and feel so disrespected. All I can say to you is that this is a major sore spot for me, and it always has.

    greenbook
    greenbook
    Participant
    August 5, 2018 at 6:08 am #180830
    Reply To: Really hurt at the party tonight

    She was made aware of it ages ago. And the fact that she didn’t even recognized what she had done……I just don’t get it. I think everyone one of us has one or two triggers that are almost impossible to get over, and gender stereotypes, generalizations and jokes are one of mine are a trigger. It is never going to change, and I don’t view it as being a great hardship for a relationship partner to refrain from this crap. If she had grabbed me from out of the restroom and said, “I am sorry guys, but my man is feeling ill and we need to leave,” I would feel no bad feelings toward her. But she didn’t do this.

    greenbook
    greenbook
    Participant
    August 5, 2018 at 6:27 am #180832
    Reply To: Really hurt at the party tonight

    One last thing….I have a gut feeling that by tomorrow or Monday (when we are more likely to talk, I must work tomorrow) my girlfriend is likely to have figured out why I was so hurt tonight. She may have been inconsiderate tonight, but she is very bright and intuitive. It’s quite possible her previous partners loved cracking sex jokes or making stereotypical statements about gender. You often recognize the error of your ways the next days. I don’t feel she is a bad person. It was just insensitive on her part. Lastly. I deeply apologize for my grammar in this thread. As I said, I have a learning disability, and this website offers very limited editing opportunities. I also appreciate your time in reading this long post of mine.

    dashingscorpio
    dashingscorpio
    Participant
    August 5, 2018 at 10:42 am #180833
    Reply To: Really hurt at the party tonight

    “Introverts would rather be on their own reading a good book, or having a candlelight dinner with their loved one.
    Nonetheless, relationships are give and take, and I understand that I must compromise at times.”
    {The other option is for you to (choose) to date another introvert!}

    Each of us (chooses) our own friends, lovers, and spouse.
    Each of us has our own mate selection process/must haves list.
    Each of us has our own boundaries and “deal breakers”.

    “I will credit my girlfriend with is that while she laughed at the jokes, she didn’t add any of her own, and she didn’t share anything personal about me or our life together.” She also did not initiate the conversation! You’re pissed off at her because of what her (friends and co-workers) said!
    Alcohol and partying among friends sometimes generates silliness and off color humor. Most guys and women can laugh at themselves too. {You’re internalizing and taking things personally for reasons only YOU know about.}

    greenbook
    greenbook
    Participant
    August 5, 2018 at 7:08 pm #180852
    Reply To: Really hurt at the party tonight

    I completely disagree dashingscorpio (my sign, BTW) with your take that introverts can only match well with introverts. The developer of the whole introvert/extrovert concept in psychology, Carl Jung, believed that introverts could match well with extroverts. All of the counselors I have had over the years would disagree with you as well. All three of my male buddies are married to women who are MORE extroverted than they are. That’s part of the attraction. This is why I needed to explain what an introvert is. Extroverts, by their very nature, have trouble understanding introverts. They confuse them with shy people. I have personally NEVER met a couple where both the man and the woman were introverts. The energy is off. Inevitably, someone must be a bit more outgoing. I would not label my girlfriend an extreme extrovert. She is not the life of the party. She doesn’t have 30 friends. She might have 8 to my 3. She understands my introverted nature.

    greenbook
    greenbook
    Participant
    August 5, 2018 at 7:10 pm #180853
    Reply To: Really hurt at the party tonight

    And as I said, relationships are about compromise. I am never going to like large social involvements with people I do not know, and she knows this and is fine with it. And she makes compromises to do things that I like to do that she might not like doing at times. This isn’t a relationship issue between us, but you seem to think it is. No one close to me feels that it is. If she were extremely extroverted, we wouldn’t match, trust me.

    I realize we all have our deal breakers and boundaries with dating. But this is the first instance of her doing this after 7 months. I feel her behavior was insensitive in light of knowing how I feel about gender and relationship stereotyping (based on behavior, sexuality, etc.), and also in light of what is going on with me medically. She already texted me this morning and said, “I feel I know why you’re upset, and an apology is forthcoming. See you after work Monday. Much love.”

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