Really hurt at the party tonight

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Really hurt at the party tonight

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  • Hayley Matthews Hayley Matthews
    DatingAdvice.com
    May 5, 2019 at 1:39 pm FORUM ANNOUNCEMENT

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    greenbook
    greenbook
    Participant
    August 5, 2018 at 7:14 pm #180854
    Reply To: Really hurt at the party tonight

    I am upset that she did laugh at these jokes because she is very aware that they greatly upset me given my circumstances at the moment. It is a TRIGGER with me. One of the few I have. I have seen gay people or men who were bullied as kids run of rooms crying from such jokes. They are not funny in a MeToo day of age or in an age when men are really struggling with untold years of emotional abuse and non-supportive caretakers, as well as toxic masculinity. I had to run out of a comedy skit one time when a comedian got too toxic, and she said, on the mic, that I must be a fag when I left the place. So I will be avoiding those places. I love comedy, and my verbal wit is probably one of my strengths, but not at the expense of people picking on people for the same thing for 30 minutes as this lady did. And the description of her show indicated that she was more wide-ranging than this. It’s not like I knew what I was getting into.

    greenbook
    greenbook
    Participant
    August 5, 2018 at 7:18 pm #180855
    Reply To: Really hurt at the party tonight

    You’re also wrong that only I know about what’s going on during this party. My girlfriend knows dang well I don’t like this stuff, and I feel it would’ve been appropriate for her to say, “Well, just remember girls that not all men are like that” while giving me a wink. That’s all I needed. I should also say that if one of the guys at this party had started stereotyping the girls, I would’ve said something, and have done so at get togethers before – most recently to a co-worker of mine at a BBQ after work. I said, “I’m sorry, I don’t like sexist jokes, and I don’t view women that way.” I deserted him because it was so fundamentally wrong to me what he did. And again, I was in the toilet for ten minutes. Maybe 15. When I exited, my partner didn’t even come up to me to see if I was sick or something. I would have done this in a heartbeat, just a basic courtesy. I don’t care how engrossing a party is, if it causes you to completely forget and shut out your mate, something is wrong.

    greenbook
    greenbook
    Participant
    August 5, 2018 at 7:25 pm #180856
    Reply To: Really hurt at the party tonight

    We will discuss several things on Monday night, but one of them won’t be breaking up. We love each other too much, and I believe this is a correctable situation. It’s just going to require a bit more attentiveness on her part. I may need to bring her to my counseling sessions. And I will say, as I always do, that I want her to tell me if there is anything I can do to avoid emotional triggers of hers. Her childhood wasn’t perfect either. I feel more at peace today. But I feel that each of us does have a couple of issues, perhaps stemming from childhood but maybe a rape or a car crash that killed someone, where certain behaviors from a significant other can trigger stuff. In honesty, I don’t really give a dang about the people at last night’s party, although I probably don’t want to hang out with them now if given a choice. I don’t share their sense of humor. I realize I have to avoid situations – comedy clubs, some movies, books, some TV shows – that could cause triggers.

    greenbook
    greenbook
    Participant
    August 5, 2018 at 7:36 pm #180857
    Reply To: Really hurt at the party tonight

    The problem with this trigger, however, is that it is bound up with an issue that I feel is very bad for society, and that is rigid gender roles, and the generalizations and stereotypes that are directed at girls and boys, and women and men. Same thing with gays and lesbians and transgenders. Yes, we wouldn’t have these generalizations and stereotypes if these things weren’t, in part, true with many people who are male, female,.whatever. But I don’t see it as funny. I think the tendency to tar everyone in a humorous fashion (or even in a dating book) with the same brush makes outsiders feel even more like outsiders, and they were already hurting before. Why not just accept that we are all different as people, and be united by that. Then we could get down to work to understanding each other in a real way without these stereotypes. But we don’t do that, and it makes so-called “overly-sensitive” people feel they cannot say “I am not like that and when you say that it hurts.”

    greenbook
    greenbook
    Participant
    August 5, 2018 at 8:05 pm #180858

    One last thing I should mention: when all these jokes and sexual stereotypes were flying around at the party last night, I didn’t smile one time. At first I was as rigid as a post. Then I started turning away. I was showing all sorts of non-verbal displays of behavior that blatantly indicated I was uncomfortable. And it took awhile for me to check out. I didn’t immediately run to the restroom. This yet another reason I am perturbed at my partner. Why didn’t she notice this? Why didn’t she pick up on the fact that something was wrong with me? She didn’t need to be a scientist. And frankly, it also surprised me that even her friends and co-workers (some of these people I wouldn’t classify as her pals) didn’t get a clue either. If someone in the room isn’t laughing, something is wrong, and usually people tend to cool it. I have seen such things happen at parties and social events before. Sometimes a person doesn’t need to say anything for people to figure out the subject needs to change.

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