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PhoebusParticipantMarch 18, 2013 at 9:41 pm #26169
I was in a relationship with a girl for about two and half years, the last half was spent LDR. We argue a lot and fight. She has been extremely patient with me, but we continue to argue and fight and I have been mean and controlling. Late february, we got into a big argument and I got drunk and called her a “cunt”. After that she distanced herself and said she couldn’t look at me the same way. She suggested that she wanted to end the relationship, but I persuaded her because I was legitimately sorry for how I acted and all the problems we’ve had.
we stayed together for a couple of weeks, still argued because i pressured her consistently into staying in the relationship and was really forceful with her. After another week she stopped talking to me at night because we argued. I asked her not to end the relationship or just tell me if she didn’t want me in her life but she wouldn’t do it. She would just say, “I’m still here”.
Anyway she is a very very self conscious girl, doing graduate school and we have been fighting for the past few months. She said things have been a build up of how I have been controlling and she doesn’t want to do it anymore. I have tried to convince her otherwise. Anyway, recently she told me, “If you want us to be together again try a different approach” She said she needed time and space and that forcing her to be back with her wasn’t helping her feel for me the same way.
I told her I would give her space, I contacted her last thursday accepting responsibility for what I had done, and asking for forgiveness, she didn’t respond negativetly or positively but with a lack of emotion, but she was encouragin and thanked me for the nice things I said. She had suggested I talk to other girls, and when I said that would be a good idea, she got angry at me and questioned why I would do that. It was like a trap.
Anyway, what is going on here, I appreciate all your responses. What should I do, I told her I’d give her time and haven’t spoken to her since Thursday, it’s not Monday.
slobeachboyParticipantMarch 19, 2013 at 12:24 am #26170
I understand that you’re hurting but if you really want to do the right thing for both you and your girlfriend you’re going to have to let her go and just hurt for a while. You have already spent over two years of your lives in this toxic mutually destructive relationship and the longer you stay together the worse its going to get. And that’s not merely and educated guess, it an absolute certainty. As sure as the sun will rise tomorrow you’ll be at each other’s throats in this perpetually escalating dance of destruction for as long as you are together.
You mentioned in your post that you persuaded her to stay once because you were “genuinely sorry for what you had done” but do you honestly think that matters? Men who regularly beat the crap out of their girlfriends or wives are usually also genuinely sorry afterward. And they always swear that it will never happen again, and they really mean it at the time, but of course it always does happen again – and again and again and again and again. Do you really want things to get to that point with the two of you? Not that is has to. After all sustained psychological abuse can be just as bad or worse than physical abuse. Abusive relationships are not unlike heroin addiction. Even if you may know on some level that the stuff is destroying your life you just feel you can’t live without it and you just can’t face the pain that you must endure while you go through withdrawal. The thing most people don’t know though is that on a subconcious level the heroin addict knows from day one that it is going to destroy him and that’s what really caused him to start in the first place. This is why rehab rarely works. And it’s the same with relationships. Many of us just keep going through the same self-destructive patterns with the mates we choose. This is why I know that telling you all this is not going to do any more good than telling a heroin addict that he needs to quit or he’ll destroy his life and the lives of his loved ones.
Anyway it sounds like your girlfriend has already come to the realization that she has to cut the cord if she wants to have any chance at a healthy, happy, drama free future, and you need to let her do that. And I’m not saying you are the bad guy here, I’m just saying the two of you don’t work together and you cant have a healthy relationship together.
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