Recently dumped by single mother

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Recently dumped by single mother

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  • Hayley Matthews Hayley Matthews
    DatingAdvice.com
    September 9, 2018 at 12:27 am FORUM ANNOUNCEMENT

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    muggz33
    muggz33
    Participant
    June 17, 2018 at 11:09 am #177241
    Recently dumped by single mother

    recently dumped by my girlfriend of 9 months. This was the 2nd time we’ve been together, the first being nearly ten years ago. Since we separated ways the first time, she had two beautiful daughters (ages 2, & 5). Neither father is in the picture or visits them at all. I am 33 years old and really wanted someone I could settle down with. Recently we have both been stressed about situations with work and life. There are often times she gets so frustrated with juggling motherhood and work etc that she feels suffocated by me being there even when I don’t do anything wrong (or at least deserving of a blowup). I constantly try to help. but she thinks she is in a spot emotionally where she needs to be alone and can’t co exist in a relationship. She constantly blames herself and says she is just a mess and is too effed up a person to be a good girlfriend but she’s the best I’ve ever had and I care about her deeply.I desperately want to work on things and try and help her. Do I have a chance?

    greenbook
    greenbook
    Participant
    June 17, 2018 at 12:02 pm #177245

    This is just me, but as a single male, I would never date a single woman unless her kids were near their teens or unless I had young kids of my own. 2 and 5 year old kids are overwhelming to raise, and they just consume most of your time. You will always be the 2nd place person in her life by a very long long distance, and that’s hard when you’re dating. I don’t wish to be judgmental either, but this woman probably needs therapy. Having two very young kids out of wedlock is not the best idea, and it’s largely for the reason she’s finding out – despite feminism and what ought to be right in this society, women still bear the ultimate responsibility for raising kids in our society. It is just so much easier for guys to bail. It’s awful, but it’s the truth. She probably needs to avoid all sex before commitment, and to use condoms AND birth control pills at the same time. But most of all, she needs therapy. Time for you to move on.

    • This reply was modified 3 months, 1 week ago by greenbook greenbook.
    muggz33
    muggz33
    Participant
    June 17, 2018 at 12:20 pm #177249

    Thanks, it is hard. But I really did want to embrace it and be there for her and the kids. I’m old enough where I want a family, and blood or not, I felt that way about them. It just hurts because I’ve invested so much and she still has feelings for me obviously but her emotions and stress are making her question our relationship to the point where she’s ended it. Maybe there’s more to it and she’s simply not attracted to me anymore and this is a convenient way for her to say “It’s not you, it’s me”.. I don’t know. I just feel like I haven’t been given enough of an answer as to why she wants this, but I also don’t want to come off as crazy and texting/calling her frequently when I know she is busy.. I just can’t see myself with anyone else.

    dashingscorpio
    dashingscorpio
    Participant
    June 19, 2018 at 11:10 am #177427

    If a woman says: “She is just a mess and is too effed up a person to be a {good} girlfriend.”
    Believe her!!!

    It’s very rare for any woman to (blame herself) for the problems in any relationship or marriage.
    The “its not you, it’s me” statement is used by those who don’t want to be seen as being the “bad guy” for dumping someone.

    In order for (her) to have been “the one” she would have had to see (you) as being “the one”.
    At the very least a “soulmate” is someone who actually wants to be with you! (And vice versa).

    I recently read: “Love is like a fart. If you have to force it, it’s probably sh*t!”
    Life is too short to be trying to change water into wine.
    Best wishes!

    Mkbonz
    Mkbonz
    Participant
    June 22, 2018 at 4:17 am #177705

    Sorry things have nor worked out. I would suggeat to tell her how much you love her and sont care if she has any issuesm you want to be there for her and the kids.

    Mike2466
    Mike2466
    Participant
    June 23, 2018 at 3:02 pm #177817

    Was just placed in the same situation by a single mother of a 6 year old boy. Everything was going well, until one day, she decided this wasn’t the right time to start a relationship. It was a punch to the gut, but I understand, as we all have, some times you’re just not ready to move forward with dating. Best thing is to say you understand and be supportive. Give her time.

    Arcann85
    Arcann85
    Participant
    June 26, 2018 at 9:28 am #177929

    I’m really sorry about what you are going through and I have been in your shoes.

    There are times we get carried away in infatuation, stuck on a person because of dreams we hold onto them about this perfect love for that person, in truth more often than not, this “love” we have for this person revolves more around ourselves than them, and the reason is because we fail to acknowledge, or LISTEN to what THAT person truly wants which she has told you many times both through actions and words and where the problem really lies isn’t the relationship, but us not listening to what they are truly saying. Then the harder part, accepting their desires…even if those desires don’t confide with ours and EVEN IF that means we can’t be their to protect them, or be there for them.. thats what true love really is…accepting the other person even if it hurts you and that you will never get what you want out of it.

    Respect her wishes and move forward. She cannot give you what you want.

    Arcann85
    Arcann85
    Participant
    June 26, 2018 at 9:28 am #177930

    You have to realize something. Even if you want the absolute best for her. It means nothing if she:
    A.) Does not want that…
    B.) Cannot receive it.

    In this instance both A and B are true…which is a BIG red flag. NEVER ignore Red Flags regardless of how much you may think you love someone. That is the key and first step to leading a trail of disaster. You cannot persuade your feelings to her. She already has her mind made up and she does not want them. Also, she has VERY heavy burdens on her and a relationship of ANY type may just be too intimidating for her and trust me, if she does end up in another relationship, its only for fun…she cannot think on a serious platue like you are seeking…and you cannot protect her or save her. You have to meet someone where you are, do not try to lift someone to your level, or they will pull you down to theirs instead.

    TennisMaestro
    TennisMaestro
    Participant
    June 26, 2018 at 3:15 pm #178025

    Wow, that’s a really awful situation….. I’m so sorry that you’ve had to go through this!!! 🙁 I hope everything gets better for you though….. 🙂