Should I listen to my HEAD, or my HEART?


Should I listen to my HEAD, or my HEART?

  • Hayley Matthews Hayley Matthews
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    December 2, 2012 at 11:21 am #17937
    Should I listen to my HEAD, or my HEART?

    I apologize in advance for the length of this note. I added a lot of detail to better understand my situation.
    My ex (we’ll call her Jenn) and I dated for a 1 year until a month ago, when she broke things off. I dated a girl (we’ll call her Kristy)off and on for 6 years previous to meeting Jenn. The last few years with Kristy were more of a friendship to me, but she always wanted to be back together. I do a lot of travelling with my job, so I wasn’t home much when we dated. There were multiple reasons why Kristy and I didn’t work out, but mostly because she has a very extreme temper and would constantly accuse me of things I wasn’t doing. When I met Jenn a little over a year ago, I knew I needed to end that relationship with Kristy…but was hesitant as I had a good idea how she would react. I didn’t want to bring any unneeded drama into my new relationship and push Jenn away, so I decided NOT to tell Kristy that I “found someone” and to try to end it my way. Jenn noticed that some of Kristy’s stuff was in my house, tends to collect a bit when dating for 6 years. She obviously had a problem with this, and wanted it out. Every time I’d bring the subject up to Kristy, she would get upset and come up with excuses why she couldn’t pick it up. Jenn became very frustrated with me, telling me to be more aggressive. While Jenn and I were in our beginning stages of dating, I did see Kristy a few times…thanksgiving day for a race, and on Christmas. As Jenn and I were getting much more exclusive, Kristy began to contact me very upset, crying…and ultimately threatening her own life. I doubted it was real, but I didn’t know how to react…so I would email/text her “I love you”, “I care about you” type messages to calm her down. Six months into my new relationship, Kristy and I hardly talked and Jenn and I have fallen for each other. Then…Jenn gets a facebook message from Kristy (unknown how she found out), forwards all the emails, text messages I had send her, tells her she spent Christmas with me at my parents. VERY uncomfortable…but I deserved it as I didn’t handle any of that situation right.
    That was 7 months ago, and since then I put Kristy’s stuff in a storage unit and I haven’t talked/seen her since. Jenn and I’s relationship has been incredible. She’s met all my friends and family, and vise versa. All parties love the both of us. We talked about marriage, kids, where to live, etc. A few months before we broke up, she moved to my city for a new job and because of me. She temporarily moved in until her apartment lease was up from her previous location. She asked me if she could permanently move in, but I declined. My reasons were I had done the “move in thing” before, and it blew up in my face. Also, I’ve been preparing to move out of my house, so I thought it silly to move all her stuff in, then turn around and move it all out again. She found an apartment shortly thereafter. After that, she changed in her interactions with me. I questioned her on it, then she requested we not talk for what turned out to be 10 days. When we came back together, it wasn’t a discussion…more of a results talk. She loves me very much, but can not trust me from what happened 7 months ago. She believes if she can’t trust me after 7 months, she never will. Over the last month since the break up, she’s sent me mixed signals…telling me she “loves me, misses me”, then “we need to stop communicating”. A few weeks ago was the last “positive” text I received, then she became very cold to me. The last time we communicated was a week ago. I told her to stop being stubborn and run the thanksgiving race with me. Her text back was “I’m not being stubborn, I’m being realistic. We’re broken up. I’m not running with you, I’m not spending the holidays with you. I’m done”. Later that night I was about to leave dinner with friends when I received another text. Jenn let me know she moved the rest of her stuff out of my house, and where she left my key. I had hoped I was there when she did this, and the restaurant I was at is close to her apartment…so I went over there and literally arrived the same time she did. She was upset I met her there, didn’t want much to do with me. I left, the received the last text “I want you to hear me loud and clear. It’s obvious we can’t salvage a friendship at this point. You need to leave me alone. Good luck to you.” I’ve NEVER said one negative thing to her, and have no idea where that came from. I haven’t attempted to contact her since. I’m currently very depressed as to how quickly she has turned a 180 on me in a matter of a month. My head says move on, my heart says stay the course. I’m curious what is going on in her head…is she really done? …is she confused? …is this just a defense mechanism to give her space?

    December 5, 2012 at 4:11 pm #18262

    Oh goodness!!!! Lots of confusing messages!!!!! You have a very good question…I will do my best to give you some ideas that help you gather more information.

    Here’s a pretty standard rule….of course there are exceptions…..but in this case, I imagine it applies….the BIGGER someone reacts and pushes you away SUDDENLY….where one day you are in love and then the next day they are asking for you to leave them alone….all that means is that she is SUPER hurt. She is not over you, by any means. She still loves you a TON!!! She is reacting so big, because in essence, it’s letting her feel her anger towards you….it’s much easier to break up when you are angry vs. hurt. But as you noticed, she would “melt” so to speak, and occasionally tell you that she loved you and missed you. If you understand that anger is a secondary emotion and hurt is the primary emotion that feeds the anger, you will know that all her anger and pushing you away is just her heart seriously hurting.

    Here is my guess…when you said that you didn’t want to move in with her, that made a pretty big impact. You talk about marriage and having a family, meet everyone together in your inner circles and say how amazing the relationship is….then tell her you won’t do the “moving in thing” because it didn’t work out very well from before??? That seems like a pretty mixed message to me! Besides…you are making her pay the price for something that someone else did with you! So what that it didn’t workout before! Jenn is DIFFERENT!!! She is a brand new experience and deserves a clean slate! You already are predicting a mess if she moves in, but then you talk about marriage with her? Give it a shot! Don’t let your fear make decisions for you! The best way to make your fear go away is to STEP INTO it! When you let fear make decisions for you, then you are not really in control of your life. Trust yourself! You can handle and will ok, no matter what happens! Whatever happened before, you are ok right? You are alive, working, fell in love again….right??? So why not go for it again? Everything is a risk in life…that’s what makes it so fun!

    You didn’t handle the whole x-girlfriend thing so well….you were not honest and a lady doesn’t forget about things like that. She needs to find a way to forgive you, and maybe there is a way you can help her do that. You made your decisions and mistakes and you move on and learn from them….we all definitely have things in life we could have handled much better!

    Here is what I would suggest….seriously consider looking at your fear about moving forward with Jenn. Admit it, embrace it and work through it. Then have a chat with her. Invite her out and just get very, very honest. Let her know what you learned about yourself, your fear and how you realized you were sending her mixed messages. Tell her you want to be better. Tell her she is worth fighting for. Tell her that you will do what it takes to make your relationship with her the best it ever has been. Tell her that you want her to trust you and to risk with you. You made your mistakes….everybody does….ask her to if she is willing to give you a clean slate and you are willing to give her a clean slate. Ask her to risk with you and face your fears together. The past is the past. It’s over now….i love you…i want to be with you…i want to fight for you….how can I be better? What can I do different to help you trust me? What can I do different that will help you re-connect to me?

    Now….here’s the other side of this….how she is responding to you and how she is treating you, isn’t very kind either. To just completely shut you out, be angry and blame you and hold onto something that happened months ago….well that lets you know that she is someone who holds onto things. She probably is the type that lets things fester and fester….and then BOOM! Something blows up and you are completely shocked with all these feelings that are coming out of her. Either way, she is not being very emotionally responsible….she is not taking responsibility for her end of this whole design. She wants to blame you entirely for all of this when reality is, every situation involves 2 people! So when and if you talk to her, make sure you put your needs in there as well. REQUIRE that she stays in communication with you! To let you know the TRUTH about what she is feeling in the moment vs. holding everything in! When she is honest, it gives you the instant ability to help her through whatever she is feeling….if she can’t offer that to you, then my friend, I have to ask you….is that the kind of lady you want in your life? A woman who doesn’t communicate with you very well? That doesn’t leave much room for a healthy relationship when things go south….because relationships are hard sometimes and you need someone who will stick with you and communicate WITH you instead of run away.

    I think for your own peace of mind….ask to speak with her, tell her your wishes….both of you process the conversation for a few days and don’t talk….then agree to meet at a certain time and place….if you both show up, then that means you BOTH are ready to move forward with a NEW beginning….everything from the past is forgotten and you BOTH want to re-create. If one person doesn’t show up, then you know they are not interested and you move on. I’ve had my clients try this and you would be amazed at how it really can create a fresh new start….just a thought