Should I tell her?

DATING ADVICE FORUM

Should I tell her?

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  • Hayley Matthews Hayley Matthews
    DatingAdvice.com
    February 2, 2019 at 3:34 am FORUM ANNOUNCEMENT

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    Thynight
    Thynight
    Participant
    January 22, 2019 at 11:58 pm #193204
    Should I tell her?

    I have fallen for my care giver and friend. She is in a relationship that she wants out of, but has not left yet. The relationship was abusive in the past, but her partner is trying to make it better. She still wants out though, but feel she owes them the chance.

    The reason I have not said anything yet is because she is in a relationship and I am her boss. We do hang out outside of her work hours. I also think she may be interested, but she too is not sure whether to say anything or not.

    Not sure what to do in general, as a friend when she talks to me about things, but give honest answers or as a boss.

    Thoughts?

    PS I only say I am her boss because it will change the advice given. I posted on another forum and women said I was pig just making myself out to be big. That was not my point.

    PSS Even though I am her boss we hang out much more as friends off the clock. She even bought a bed for my house in case she needs to get away from her house.

    dashingscorpio
    dashingscorpio
    Participant
    January 25, 2019 at 1:30 pm #193440

    Should I tell her? (NO!)

    It’s only natural for a patient to develop feelings for a caregiver or even therapist over time.
    Most of your family and friends aren’t around so this person becomes the closest person to you.

    “She is in a relationship that she wants out of, but has not left yet.”
    (We are always where we choose to be. Suffering is optional)

    “She still wants out though, but feel she owes them the chance.”
    (In other words she still CARES about her partner and isn’t ready to GIVE UP)

    There are two schools of thought here.
    1. You could be a great friend to her, listening to her, and encouraging her to do what she believes will make her happy.

    2. You could tell her that her partner is a fool for treating her badly and how you WISH you had someone like HER!
    “If I had a woman like YOU I would worship the ground she walks on…etc.” “In fact I wish I could clone you!” (laughing)
    Statements like those may open her mind to the possibility of seeing you as an option. If she starts flirting you’re in!

    GJ
    GJ
    Participant
    January 26, 2019 at 8:21 am #193482

    Hello. I have a few questions I need to ask to best provide you some helpful feed back:
    1. When you say this woman is your care giver, what care does she provide for you?
    2. How long has this woman been providing her professional service for you?
    3. Why do you consider yourself her boss?
    4. What do yo like about this woman?
    5. What is your past history with relationships?

    I look forward to reading your responses and providing you with my feed back.

    Thynight
    Thynight
    Participant
    January 26, 2019 at 8:55 am #193484

    Should I tell her? (NO!)

    It’s only natural for a patient to develop feelings for a caregiver or even therapist over time.
    Most of your family and friends aren’t around so this person becomes the closest person to you.

    “She is in a relationship that she wants out of, but has not left yet.”
    (We are always where we choose to be. Suffering is optional)

    “She still wants out though, but feel she owes them the chance.”
    (In other words she still CARES about her partner and isn’t ready to GIVE UP)

    There are two schools of thought here.
    1. You could be a great friend to her, listening to her, and encouraging her to do what she believes will make her happy.

    2. You could tell her that her partner is a fool for treating her badly and how you WISH you had someone like HER!
    “If I had a woman like YOU I would worship the ground she walks on…etc.” “In fact I wish I could clone you!” (laughing)
    Statements like those may open her mind to the possibility of seeing you as an option. If she starts flirting you’re in!

    I feel we already sort of flirt, but in a non romantic way if that makes sense. She is always saying we should runaway together.

    dashingscorpio
    dashingscorpio
    Participant
    January 28, 2019 at 4:59 am #193556

    “She is always saying we should runaway together.”

    The next time she tells you that tell her it sounds good to you.
    And then say: “I’m serious. You could move in with me and we can take things from there…Give it some thought.
    That last line takes the pressure off of her to give you an immediate answer.

    Be prepared however for the following possibilities:

    1. She still loves her man despite all of her complaining. Her flirting is nothing more than a fun exercise.
    2. She distances herself and stops being playful to avoid the topic.
    3. She may not want to go from being in one serious relationship right into another.
    4. You may end up being a “rebound” guy until she becomes emotionally strong enough to find someone new.

    Ultimately life is a gamble. If you truly believe she is “the one” for you then go for it.
    However based upon what you’ve said it’s not clear there is any serious mutual interest at all.
    “Running away together” and “Winning the lottery” are things people say out loud without seriously expecting either.

    Thynight
    Thynight
    Participant
    January 28, 2019 at 8:27 am #193485

    1. When you say this woman is your care giver, what care does she provide for you?
    2. How long has this woman been providing her professional service for you?
    3. Why do you consider yourself her boss?
    4. What do yo like about this woman?
    5. What is your past history with relationships?

    1. Mostly cooks and cleans. When my body acts up she sometimes has to shave my head & face. Other than that she washes my feet when I can handle it.
    2. 3 years
    3. Because I am. I hired her. How else would I be her boss?
    4. Most everything. We have a lot in common. What we don’t have in common we agree couples don’t need to be into everything together.
    5. No real relationships for me. She is the second person I have been in love with though. It didn’t work out. I have told her all about the first.

    Thynight
    Thynight
    Participant
    January 28, 2019 at 8:27 am #193488

    1) Mostly cooks and cleans. Helps me shave when I need help. Is my lifter when I shop as I am no longer allowed to carry anything.
    2) 3 years.
    3) Because I am. I hired her. What else would I be?
    4) Most everything. We have a lot in common. What we don’t have in common we think the same that couple don’t need to do everything together.
    5) No real relationships. I was in love once before though, but they wanted something different. She knows all about that.

    GJ
    GJ
    Participant
    February 2, 2019 at 8:11 am #194011

    Hello Thynight

    Thank you for your responses. What I am about to share with you will help to set you free from your struggle with this woman but is probably not the feedback you want to hear. But it will free you up to perhaps get what you want in the long run.

    1. The woman you are attracted to, your care-taker, is providing you the care that a mother would provide for her child. She talks with you, takes care of you, and then goes back to her man, the symbolic father.
    2. One reason you are most likely so focused on calling yourself her boss is not only because others have called you a pig, but due to the unconscious taboo of incest. Mother’s should not engage in romantic relationships with their children. However children do have romantic fantasies about their parents. It appears that this woman is a symbolic mother for you.
    3. From your description of this woman’s present relationship she is attracted to an abusive relationship. Even if she was to break off from this man she would

    GJ
    GJ
    Participant
    February 2, 2019 at 8:17 am #194012

    benefit from talking to a professional who could assist her to understand why she is attracted to and stays in an abusive relationship. She might even want to understand why she would cross boundaries with a client and flirt, spend time with him after hours, and share very intimate parts of her troubled love life. This is not good for you as a hungry man for love being seduced by this woman’s behaviors.

    My suggestion to you is to get a new care-giver and tell me do you want to develop a healthy relationship with a woman? If yes tell me about what kind of woman you would be attracted to. What are the specific qualities you would be looking for?

    I look forward to reading your replies and continuing to give you my advice.

    GJ