Should I try to accept we are over or have hope for us?


Should I try to accept we are over or have hope for us?

  • Hayley Matthews Hayley Matthews
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    March 9, 2013 at 9:20 pm #25380
    Should I try to accept we are over or have hope for us?

    I’m so sorry this is so long, but I really appreciate anyone who’s taking the time to listen to my story. This is my first time on an advice site as well.

    My now ex boyfriend and I were together for almost three years. We are both young, I am now 18 and he is 20, but our relationship had always been very stable. The summer after graduating high school he left for boot camp for the Marine Corps. I missed him terribly everyday but our relationship stayed strong throughout those three months through letters, and when he came home on leave after completing boot camp it was as if he had never left. Throughout the next year and a half we got through the long months between his time off with calls, letters, and Skype dates, and I never doubted the strength of our relationship. We had complete trust and faith in each other, and it always seemed like the time we spent apart only made us stronger and helped our love grow. He came home two months ago for Christmas and New Years and spent time with my family and everything seemed perfect. We even discussed when we would be married: in 2 1/2 years, after his committed time in the military was up, because he said he wanted to get out of the military, go to college, and start our life together.

    A month ago, however, he broke up with me to what seemed to me completely out of the blue. It came up after he went on a week-long mission and couldn’t text or call during that time. He told me before how much he’d miss me and that we would skype multiple times the weekend he came back. When he got back everything seemed fine, but then he started blowing off our skype dates because he wasn’t in the mood and said he needed a “break” from everything… which confused me because he’s always said when things get stressful, talking to me IS like a break from the world when he can just smile and be happy. I asked him about what changed, that I always thought I was the break he needed, and he said “it’s different now.” And that’s when it all came out.

    He said he doesn’t know if he loves me anymore, or if he does it isn’t in the same way. He said he can’t go on this way for another 2+ years because of his physical and mental loneliness, and he feels heartbroken when he sees friends of his with their girlfriends who are able to visit frequently because of their situations (I’m finishing up my senior year of high school, going to college in Michigan in the fall. He is stationed in North Carolina). He says the loneliness is so crushing that he is afraid he might end up cheating on me and would rather break up now than hurt me that way in the future. He says he’s ready to move on… When not even two weeks before all this he said he couldn’t wait to marry me and said he had never loved me more—that what we had was true love, that some things you just “know” and that I was one of them. He doesn’t enjoy his military job, and always said that the only thing that kept him going was is thoughts of me and our love, knowing he was working towards a life for us. Now he says he doubts his love for me too much to keep me tied down to him and to carry on in the relationship…

    He admits that if we could be together in person things would be completely different, and I told him I had such faith in our relationship and to please not give up on us… we’ve never had a rough patch in our relationship before, and I said maybe that’s just what this is. He said he can’t do it though… and he’s sorry he said we were forever because he just doesn’t feel that way anymore.

    For the last month since we’ve been broken up we’ve had a text conversation about once a week. The first time was him saying he was sorry but he just can’t be the one for me anymore and I’ll learn to accept that. He even asked about dividing up our things… (I have a lot of his belongings at my house). After that I sent him a letter in the mail and took a long time to get my feelings on paper just right. I told him it’s natural to have doubts sometimes, and I know he’s going through a lot. That I’ve never felt tied down; I’ve always been with him because I wanted to be and I still have complete faith in our relationship. I said I loved him so much and tried to remind him of how happy he is when we are together and how he cries and holds me each time he sees me after being away for a long time. And I told him if he ever has second thoughts about us, I would be there for him. The second time I heard from him since the breakup was when he received my letter, and he told me that not seeing “I love you” written right before my signature really killed him because it was the first time I hadn’t signed it that way since he left for boot camp. I told him I still loved him but didn’t write it because I didn’t know if that was too much considering the circumstances. I asked him why he was so affected by it since he said he was ready to move on from me, and he said, “I’m confused. I don’t know what I want. I want someone else but at the same time I can’t stand not seeing I love you written there…” I told him the same thing: if he ever has second thoughts, to let me know. He said thank you and that it meant a lot to him.

    The third time I heard from him was a week later. I texted him asking how he was doing, and he said he was fine… that our breakup hadn’t really changed his day-to-day life at all… but he also said: “Once I know I won’t cheat on you, I’ll fight for your heart again.” And again, I said I’d always be here.

    I’ve been trying to give him space to think things through, but the fourth time we’ve talked was last night… he texted me and for a while we just talked about his work and how he didn’t know when his next leave time would be (not because he wanted to see me, just conversation) and I told him to just stay positive. Then he asked if I wanted him to be happy…. I told him of course I do, and out of the blue he hit me with “I want you to be happy too, but you need to move on. I can’t be that person for you anymore” I didn’t know what to say… I’ve been a complete wreck this last month, I love him with everything I have an it scares me so much to think of him not being a part of my life. I would give absolutely anything in the world to be with him. I said back, “I don’t have anything to move on to,” and he said I’ll meet other guys to make me happy and feel loved… I was so confused… everything he says anymore contradicts. I asked him about what he said a week ago: “Once I know I won’t cheat on you, I’ll fight for your heart again.” I asked if it was true. He said, “I don’t know…” Again for the fourth time I told him if he ever figures out his feelings and misses me, I’ll be there for him… but for the first time instead of thank you all he said was “I’m sorry.” I never texted back… I’m so heartbroken; I know we are young but after everything we were able to hold strong through I really believed we were some of the lucky few who had found a true love.

    I’ve read a lot about the no contact theory, and how you have to really give someone a chance to miss you for them to realize they still want you. I’m going to try my best not to text him anymore and let him come to me if he wants to talk… but I just want advice on whether you think it’s really over… is there still a chance? Is it possible he’ll wake up one day and realize that he does miss me and want to be with me? Will he have to date other people first to realize that what we had was a real emotional and physical connection…? Should I try to accept that he doesn’t want me anymore or still have hope that he’s just very confused right now… I have no idea when the next time he’ll be home will be, and even when he does come home I’m not close with his family the way he was close with mine… what if I never even find out? I think that if we could talk in person things would be so different… I just don’t know what to do. Thank you so much for reading; I know how long this was.