Stressed out after first date date, help!


Stressed out after first date date, help!

  • Hayley Matthews Hayley Matthews
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    Dances With Trees
    Dances With Trees
    March 24, 2013 at 7:16 pm #26749
    Stressed out after first date date, help!

    Apologies in advance, the post is a bit long, I feel I got a bit carried away.

    Right, this is my first time posting though I ‘ve been quietly stalking the forums for a while now. Makes for a fun read filled with interesting people.

    Anyways consider this my turning on the proverbial Bat Signal. Gotham city needs YOU!

    Right where was I.

    Last year was a very hard patch, romantically, ended a very serious relationship. She was a girl that I could see spending the rest of my life with, although I did not tell her that ( only 25, I ‘d think it ‘d freak her out, who knows now).

    It was a very difficult relationship from the get-go. She was bipolar and she had ISSUES; capital letters are warranted, trust me. One day I ‘d be God and the next day she ‘d barely talk to me. I wasn’t the most stable of people, emotionally at the time, probably because I really was crazy in love with her at that time too, anyways the whole thing crashed and burned at some point last June.

    Since then I really kinda felt like avoiding women. I was going through a bit of a mourning period you can say. I did not even want to think about the possibility of dating, I think there was no point, since relationships are just gonna end up hurting you in the end. (In retrospect immature though, but I guess one that is natural).

    So due to emotional and financial reasons I packed up and left to another country. After I got things settled here I started getting interesting in flirting with women again.

    I made an OKCupid profile and started talking to some women there. A few days ago, I was talking to a particular girl there and we completely hit it off. We exchanged like 60 messages in like 48 hours or something. At some point I mention that they ‘re playing “Swan Lake” in the local playhouse and that I ‘ve been dying to see it, and probably I am going to.

    She responds that she loves it as well and that she has noone to go with her so I suggest we go together, she accepts.

    We go for a pre-show drink, talk, everything natural, and non-stressed. Kinda feeling ya get like you ‘ve known that person for a long-time y’ know?

    Anyways we go to the ballet (If anyone is interested, they opted for the ending where everyone dies in the end, and yeah I payed for the tickets and would have none of it, I don’t let women pay on the first date, no matter what).

    After it ended I suggest going for drinks at this local pub I know. We stay there for like 5 hours, drinking. We must have been the last customers at some point because we were politely asked to get the hell out 😛

    But in general, talked about everything, from the meaning of life, God, eradication of violence, wars, Star Trek (Which she loves and I am a crazy big fan of), all the way to travelling around the world and seeing EVERYTHING.

    I tried being a bit physical during this time, brushing her leg or resting my arm on her knee at some point, she didn’t seem to mind. She also did this weird thing which, I am hoping some woman here would explain, she had this shawl and while wearing a lets say “revealing” dress she would cover her bussom and then a few seconds later just remove it all together. Must have happened at least 10 times, which I found weird. (I am not the direct-looking at the chest- guy, by the way).

    Anyways, we left the pub, and she said that she had to take a cab back home because it was late. I offered to go by my apt. since it was close and we could call a cab from there. Anyways, just before she is about to leave and we go for that “goodnight hug” thing I turn my head and plant one on her lips. Nothing serious, no more than a second but she didn’t seem to pull away from.

    Anyways to the reason why I actually made this LONG-ASS fragging post.

    A) I explained everything in detail because I actually got ZERO skills at reading situations or people. Most of the time I have to guess. How does the whole situation look to you?

    B) How should I approach things from now on? What should my next step be?

    C) In the past I was too afraid to make a move, when out with a girl which made most of them turn to friendships and I don’t want that to happen now, but on the other hand I don’t want to be too forward. What should I do?

    I haven’t allowed myself to “like” someone in a while, and truth be told, even though I am a bit afraid of admitting it, I really like this girl, our interests match to such a weird degree, we ‘re both very emotional people and both adore Leonard Cohen, I really don’t wanna screw it up and that happens usually cause I am a very forward, all or nothing person but I feel like taking this slow and steady.

    Please shine me with your wisdom people! God knows I need it!

    March 25, 2013 at 3:09 am #26750

    Well, all I can say is if you’re that stressed out over a date that supposedly went fairly well it’s probably not a very good sign. I say that only because people who get that nervous or stressed out over dating tend to get in their own way a lot and nothing I can say is going to remedy that particular problem. Still I’ll try to answer your three questions as best I can.

    A) “I explained everything in detail because I actually got ZERO skills at reading situations or people. Most of the time I have to guess. How does the whole situation look to you?”

    First of all, if you’ve been following this forum as you say then you should already know that nobody can really tell you what your date is thinking simply based on your brief written account of her behavior. You see, when we interact with someone socially we are giving off literally hundreds of subtle signals, most of which we are not even consciously aware that we are either sending or receiving. This means that only someone actually standing in the same room with you at the time would have any chance of telling you what’s going on in this girl’s head. Secondly, the problem isn’t necessarily that you can’t read the signals correctly but rather that you don’t trust your own judgement about them. You probably have these two conflicting voices in your head, one tells you that she likes you based on her behavior and the other one is telling you that the first one can’t possible be right. The second voice is all your insecurities talking. Unfortunately there’s not a whole lot you can do about this short of getting to the bottom of those insecurities.

    B) “How should I approach things from now on? What should my next step be?”

    This one isn’t exactly rocket science. If you like her and you’re fairly certain she still likes you too then you simply ask her out on another date and see where it goes from there.

    C) “In the past I was too afraid to make a move, when out with a girl which made most of them turn to friendships and I don’t want that to happen now, but on the other hand I don’t want to be too forward. What should I do?”

    I assume by “make a move” you mean how to take things to a physical level, and if that’s the case all I can say is there’s no easy answer for that one, particularly if you are as bad as you say at reading the signals. With me it all depends on the women, the circumstances, and what kind of a mood I’m in that day. Sometimes it won’t even cross my mind to so much as give a girl a hug on a first date, while other times I’ve slept with them within an hour of meeting them for the first time. Generally speaking though if girl enjoys your company, is physically attracted to you, and is not a totally uptight prude, she is going to be very receptive to a kiss on a first or second date. In other words if she pulls away when you try to kiss her it’s because she just doesn’t feel that way about you and not because the timing is wrong. And keep in mind that in most cases she is just as nervous about when its going to happen as you are.
    As for the kiss itself there are a million different approaches but if you are not that experienced I would go for the slow gradual approach. This is probably most easily done when sitting side by side, such as on a park bench or sofa. Start by putting your arm around her and if she’s receptive she’ll probably eventually lean her head against yours and then of course you’re halfway home. If she is very shy and inexperienced however you might have to move your hand from her shoulder to the side of her head, softly stroking her hair and then using that same hand to gently guide her head towards yours and maybe turning it to face yours. Don’t do this though unless you know how to read her and can tell for sure that she likes you but is just very nervous. Anyway from this point you lean in and touch foreheads, then perhaps gently rub noses. Then just give her a few very gentle and soft pecks on the lips before finally going in for the full tongue action. Or if you can’t get her to face you, you can start with pecks on the neck or cheek and work your way over to the lips from there. Or you can just suddenly grab her and plant one on her wherever you happen to be – I’ve done that one too. Oh, you should probably also know that with kissing sometimes less is more. For example, I remember one particular time on a first date when I simply kissed the girl on the forehead at the end of the date. The after we had been dating for a while she confided in me that it was that kiss than really made her fall for me. I have never done this before or since but I just knew it was the way to go in her case for some reason. Of course if I had done the same thing with some other girls they might think that I was either just not that into them or was just too shy to give them a real kiss. Like I said, it all just depends on the girl.
    So anyway that’s pretty much it. As for getting past the rest of the bases and onto home plate I’m not going to go into that in a public forum so you’ll just have to figure it out for yourself.
    By the way, if you’ve read my other post you also know that we don’t end up in toxic relationships by accident and that we in fact purposely bring these people into our lives in order to beat ourselves up psychologically. Anyway, what you said about your ex pretty much perfectly illustrates this point. In one paragraph you clearly state that she has major issues and was very emotionally unstable and probably made your life a living hell. Yet in the previous paragraph you also said that you could see yourself spending the rest of your life with this person. Does that sound at all reasonable or rational to you?

    Dances With Trees
    Dances With Trees
    March 25, 2013 at 5:38 am #26751

    Woah man,you hit the nail on the head. Thing is as far as my ex was concerned, she wasn’t always like that. She stopped taking her medication and took a turn for the worse. S

    You know, you meet someone, you form a relationship, and they re this unique person that you fall for and then at some point they change, and you wonder, well, maybe it can all go back on the way it was. I suppose you hope for that too.

    I think I was just expecting her to turn back into this innocent young girl that she was when I first met her.

    Anyways as far as the rest of your points, you re right and I ll try to take them into consideration. Thank you for your detailed reply, I appreciate it.

    Cheers 🙂

    March 25, 2013 at 4:24 pm #26802

    Well if I hit the nail on the head its only because I’ve been in your shoes before. In fact my very first girlfriend was exactly like your ex and possibly even worse, yet I thought I was madly in love with her and that I couldn’t live without her. The year or so I was with her probably took ten years off my life from stress and heartache. Yet after her I still followed the same self destructive patterns with my choice of mates several more times before finally getting to the bottom of what was driving me to be with these types of women in the first place. Anyway, good luck with the new girl.