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42001helpParticipantMarch 16, 2019 at 6:55 pm #196899
I am a gay male but very closeted. I knew I was different from a very young age but because of where I grew up I kept how I felt buried. My family would not be accepting of who I am. I have never pretended by dating women but my best friends were women so no one every questioned me. My life has been very lonely because I feel so ashamed of how I feel. Yes, I have been very depressed at times and there was a time I was going to take my life. I wanted that special someone in life so bad.. the house with the white picket fence but instead of a woman it would be with a man. I let the years go by feeling like this and well now I feel too old for that to happen. No one has a clue how I feel or anything about me. I became very good at hiding my feelings. I have had sex with 3 men in my life and the last time was 15 years ago. I put my profile on a website and a married man contacted me. I really like him and he wants to see me… Will continue on.
42001helpParticipantMarch 16, 2019 at 7:02 pm #196900
He said he has always had feelings about other men but had to keep that buried like me. He is tried of living like that and will not leave his wife but would like to see me secretly. I do trust him and believe what he is telling me. I do not want to go on living my life like I have. I think if I had only moved away and lived in a bigger city things would be different for me. People might be more open minded and accepting who I am. I worked around men my whole life and I would be traumatized if they found out. They have made so many horrible comments about gay men and it always felt like a knife stabbing me. I am not sure if I am doing the right thing meeting this married man.. I know there is no future with that.. He is not going to fall in love with me and leave his wife. I just want to feel close to someone for a moment if that is all it lasts. I have let so much pass me by because of my fears and I am tried.
dashingscorpioParticipantMarch 17, 2019 at 4:26 pm #196931
Our lives are pretty much the end result of the choices we have made along the way.
” I think if I had only moved away and lived in a bigger city things would be different for me.”
The clock is ticking but It’s not too late! (At the very least take vacations to major cities throughout the year)
If you want something different YOU have to do something different!
Suffering is optional.
Life is a (personal) journey.
The world may not owe you anything but (you) owe yourself the world!
“If you live for people’s acceptance you will die from their rejection.” – Lecrae
SoCalDreamerParticipantMay 4, 2019 at 2:30 pm #199862
I can relate to your feelings. I just came out at age 54 and before that I was completely closeted and struggled with similar issues as you. I am still struggling to find my way and to find that special someone. I can empathize with your desire to have a house with a white picket fence and a special guy to come home to. And like you, I feel like no one really understands me. So I just wanted to let you know that you are not alone! I would be hesitant to get involved with a married man, but, I can certainly understand how much you long to be with someone. Anyway, I don’t have much advice for you, because I am struggling myself. But I just want to say that I feel for you and that I wish you the best on your journey!
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