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NHGUY123ParticipantOctober 21, 2018 at 9:46 am #187628
Since my divorce in 2008, I have dabbled with online dating for the past 10 years, met three women and had brief relationships plagued with baggage of their past relationships. For me, letting go has always been natural and I don’t carry baggage of my married years.
The one thing I note on dating sites is that people are easily dismissed with a swipe or click based on superficial criteria. My guess is that time moves on but people don’t change their expectations. Women appear to be looking for men that don’t exist or at least don’t meet the criteria women are looking for; a white knight with movie star looks to come riding in on a stallion. I don’t know what the profiles from men look like, but I can’t imagine that there are many matches out there. Reading women’s profiles asking “are there any good men out there” and having women tell you that “I don’t want to settle” makes me wonder if anyone realizes how short life really is.October 21, 2018 at 10:09 am #187629
And yet if you go to any public place; movie theater, park, beach, mall, restaurant, festival, or church you’ll see average looking couples. This suggests there really is someone for everyone. People want to attract the best person they can and some aim for those out their league.
Truthfully there’s no difference between being “shallow” and having “preferences”.
A man may not be attracted to overweight women and a woman may not date men shorter than her.
Everyone (including you) has their own “must haves list” and “deal breakers”. That’s life!
As for expectations most of those evolve over time or people realize they’re being unrealistic.
They also vary from age group, to race, or culture. Thankfully there are over 7 Billion on the planet.
You determine your options based upon how many people you exclude as possibilities.
If you’re not in an committed relationship date multiple women casually and just have fun.
You have to get to know someone well before deciding if they’re special.October 21, 2018 at 10:31 am #187631
Lastly there is no such thing as “settling”.
People always take the BEST available option they believe they have.
I’ve never seen anyone turn down a brand new car for a broken down jalopy!
Generally it comes down to “cost” or “effort” the person is willing to expend when making a choice.
In the early example if I said in order to get the new car one has to run/walk a marathon or take the jalopy right now.
There would be some people who would say it’s not worth doing the marathon and they’ll take the jalopy or get on the bus.
Now can you really say they “settled”? No! They weren’t willing to pay the cost!
So they chose (best option) based on what they were willing to pay.
You have the option to invest time, money, and effort to look like what you believe women want.
You could also join some niche dating sites of other races and cultures whose values may be different.
If you want something different YOU have to do something different.
Women asking about good men need to check their friend zone!October 22, 2018 at 3:06 pm #187716
not sure the purpose of your post – but i will respectfully disagree on some points you’ve made.
1. There is no difference between “shallow” and “preferences”. I disagree. Is being attracted or preferring somebody that is self-sufficient and have a career “shallow”? What if i told you my ex-fiancee put me in 6 figure credit card debt before breaking our engagement? Does that chnage your mind? What about preferring “blondes” is shallow? We are all attracted to what we’re attracted to – doesn’t make us shallow.
What is the difference? A shallow person isn’t interested in the person beneath. A preference is just preferring somethign but still caring who the person is beneath.
2. There is “no such thing as settling.. people always take the BEST available option”. There are highly insecure people out there and thus what they believe their best option is may be settling. Settling is taking something you know isn’t going to turn out right – even if ti’s the BEST option available.October 22, 2018 at 4:25 pm #187719
Shallow or preference is all in the eye of the beholder. Usually the person being rejected sees the other as being shallow.
Wanting someone who is attractive, self sufficient, and has a career is NOT shallow (in MY opinion).
However a person who is “in between jobs” and considers them self to have wonderful qualities may call it shallow!
People who get rejected often scream “sour grapes”.
If a man is 5’5″ and meets a woman who is 5’8″ and she only wants to date guys taller than her that man might call her “shallow”.
However she’s entitled to have her own “preferences” and “must haves list” when it comes to choosing a mate.
Maybe she feels “safer” with bigger men. Truth is she may not even know why she likes what she likes!
Everyone has their likes, dislikes, acceptance, and rejection when it comes to people, places, food, colors, music, and things. Just because we don’t agree with them or understand their reasoning doesn’t make their criteria “shallow”.
ThrowawayAccountParticipantOctober 23, 2018 at 4:14 am #187727
Personally I believe that you can do a lot better than superficial dating sites, you wouldn’t want to end up in a bad relationship that started from one anyway. I think the best way to meet someone is by going out and trying to treat yourself when you really need a pick-me-up. That way, you’re in a good mood and people are drawn to others who are happy. I feel like you’ll meet people who aren’t as shallow this way. Also in doing this, you will be happy in your own company. just go out and do things that you enjoy by yourself. You’ve got this!October 25, 2018 at 2:43 pm #187873
i will agree that it’s subjective- in what people define as shallow. But preferences are preferences – regardless if somebody sees it as shallow or not. We all have a right to be attracted to what we’re attracted to right? or know what makes us happy or not no?
Loogy_1234ParticipantOctober 26, 2018 at 5:26 am #187938
I was on match for a while. It’s definitely a place for relationships and not a hook up site I think.
David92506ParticipantOctober 26, 2018 at 7:25 pm #188017
Frustrations Of Online Dating
It seems to me that most people these days are very self-absorbed and self-centered that they can’t see beyond their own nose unless they want something from you. (Not all of course)
It also seems that “active listening” skills is rare these days. Most people just talk about themselves and don’t ask any questions of the other person.
It also seems that many people don’t put much effort into a relationship. They don’t want to get hurt.
Many people chase away anyone who gets too close to them.
It doesn’t seem like there is any more “normal” people. People seem more sensitive and toxic these days.
These are some examples why online dating is so frustrating.
Catherine WheelParticipantDecember 5, 2018 at 3:22 pm #190531
I have had horrible experiences with online dating. So many people out there abusing those sites. I did meet one guy off of craigslist like 10 years ago and we had a fun relationship, but after about 6 months we broke it off because we just weren’t meant for each other. I suppose it all depends. It’s a crapshoot since you never really know who you’re talking to.December 5, 2018 at 5:53 pm #190556
All i have to say is – don’t pin this on “online dating”. This happens in real life too.
Let’s remember that online dating was INVENTED because everybody was “i’m TIRED of teh BAR SCENE!” Online Dating is nothig more than another tool to make introductions. That’s it. To learn and find MORE people you otherwise would have nevr known existed to even ASK OUT!
The Dating experience is about the PEOPLE, not the medium. If you are only having bad experiences than what i’ve found is:
1. you’re not learning from your mistakes on what to look for to find a quality person (and are yourself only looking at areas that don’t matter to determine who to talk to)
2. something about you and your life is giving off a vibe that is only attracting the bad ones.
I used to think the same as you and nothing changed. Since I started asking, “well waht if it’s me? what is it that i am doing or am about that is attracting ONLY the bad ones?” And that changed everything.
litewaitParticipantDecember 20, 2018 at 11:56 am #191478
Wow, being new to online dating (I mean really new)…I haven’t dated since I was in my 20’s and at 57 (male) I hope others can chime as so far this feels to me psychology/human sociology course.
Even at my age it seems women must be inundated with a-holes coming at them. The two women I reached out to:
One of them misread my thoughtful post…gave me snarky comment because she thought I was giving them dating advice…replied back to clarify…dead air. I mean if you aren’t interested don’t respond !
The other one complemented me on the nice note, I responded a few times trying to move things on with a bit of self-disclosure, and a simple question to break the ice, all that she would tell me is the kind of car she bought, and wouldn’t even clarify her name. It seemed like she was making idle chit chat (and strangely her reads and responds at 1:30am) I mean why chat if your are interested, if she was interested, she thinks everyone is a stalker or something.
mdateParticipantDecember 28, 2018 at 10:45 am #191731
The Frustration I find is everyone is totally focused on the photos and nothing else.
BrandyfeliParticipantDecember 28, 2018 at 5:54 pm #191735
I haven’t had any good results in dating sites.
H0pEfulR0mAnticParticipantDecember 31, 2018 at 8:41 am #191741
It’s a crazy time for dating, especially with all of the online dating services available to choose from. Women tend to put themselves up on a pedestal and make it difficult for genuine men to establish any sort reasonable contact or connection with her. Many women these days are regularly swiping through their options on Tinder, Bumble, OKCupid, Zoosk, Plenty of Fish, or the many other services out there. It’s hard to even trust these women and the only way to really know for sure of she’s not still swiping after you’ve started dating her is to use an online investigation resource like the popular Global Max Search or one of the lesser known alternatives. It really comes down to whether or not you can secure a connection with a woman that will keep her from considering alternative men. It’s a big sea, there are many women in it, and you shouldn’t worry too much about women online because they could also be men. You won’t truly know until you meet them. Keep fishing and be safe.
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