Two Years Never To Be Recovered


Two Years Never To Be Recovered

  • Hayley Matthews Hayley Matthews
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    June 22, 2013 at 2:24 am #33976
    Two Years Never To Be Recovered

    This is a long story, I warn everyone before attempting to read it all. I am also a scatter brain and my grammar, sentence structure and paragraphing will be terrible as well.
    This is my story:
    I met my ex on the internet, a popular dating website. I was about 5 months out of a relationship and feeling like getting back into the game. During this time I was drinking heavily, pretty much nightly if not every other night.
    When I first met her she hardly responded to my messages on the internet and I was talking to other people at the time. One night out of the blue she messaged me and we talked throughout the night. Everything seemed perfect. Her interests were exactly like mine, her goals and aspirations were identical to mine as well.
    After a week or so of chatting online and webcam talking, she came over. The first night she came over we had sex. I was drunk as usual. I have very high anxiety and at the time alcohol was my way of treating this, as well as my other issues. She explained to me how she had a husband but they were separated and had been for some time. Evidently they still shared the same house because they were trying to finish out their lease and not take a hit on their credit and neither could afford the bill alone.
    We spent many nights and weekends together, she would always leave early in the morning so he could go to work. The reason for that is, they have 2 kids together. I was in condition to judge anyone given my current situation at the time so I took this all in stride. We “dated” for a few months and she wound up getting pregnant by me.
    She ended up getting her own place and I would visit here and there and we continued to date. After about 3 months of renting her own apartment she fell behind on bills and I allowed her and her kids to move in to my place. This is when the problems started.
    Her husband became very hostile towards us and as it turns out he was under the impression that they were working on their marriage. I shook this off as the typical scorned ex that was bitter about the break up and I continued my relationship with her. I also started to notice that she would cry, very frequently, over little things. I was cooking breakfast one morning and after I fried the bacon, I went to fry the eggs in the bacon grease. She said “that’s nasty, that’s not how I was raised to cook eggs” and I explained “well that’s how I was raised to cook them and I think they taste better with the salty flavor from the bacon”, she walked off and cried in the room.
    I started to notice a pattern that whenever I did something in a way she did not, she would simply cry and I would change the way I did the things to appease her. I tolerated the fact that her ex was going to be a part of our lives as they have children together. But, I often questioned the amount of time they socialized together and the fact that she was always the one to take the kids to his house and pick them up. I obviously never questioned her openly about these things because if I did, I would have to deal with her crying and accusing me of trying to keep her kids father out of her children’s life, so I questioned these things, internally.
    The time came for me to meet her family, but I was prepped as to what to say to them, specifically about how me and her met. I had just finished getting my HVAC Certification from the local community college and she had recently dropped out, so she told me to tell her parents that we met at school. Well her family was not rude with me or anything like that. They were a simple bunch of people, rather poor, and slightly unkempt. They had a way of just simply ignoring me in any conversation, so not being rude, but definitely not making me feel welcome either. It turns out that her ex maintained a great relationship with her parents and I assumed that was the reason for the tension. Well, that and the fact that in their eyes I split up their daughters marriage during some hiatus at the local community college. The tension was there to the degree that I felt uncomfortable ever going back and I never did.
    Shortly after that visit we started to argue, about trivial things. We would argue about the color of the sky (I kid you not) or who was in what movie. I noticed that she had this need to be right. I would secede only to find her on google and continuing the argument. It wasn’t long after that – that she snuck out early one morning and called her husband. She came back in and explained she was leaving..”She couldn’t take it anymore”. She packed up her stuff and left.
    About two weeks passed, and one day out of the blue she contacted me on the internet again. She asked if she could come over and talk. I told her that was fine and we talked things through. She moved back in and we made another attempt to make this work. During this time I was working on the internet as a freelance web designer. The money was not incredibly great, but it was enough to support us and we lived rather comfortably. Although something had changed in me personally and I started to feel those dreaded trust issues arising.
    Time went on and the arguments resumed. Her and her husband were celebrating holidays and the kids birthdays together, which caused plenty of fights. I found it inappropriate considering after 8 months of her living with me he was so eager to let her back into his life. The man was clearly not moving on and in my opinion, that can be a dangerous thing to an already fragile relationship. I never attended these events, because I could just imagine how well that would go over to have her family and his family there staring at the guy who in their eyes broke up this loving couples marriage.
    I continued to do the daily grind, supporting her and her kids and working online while she sat around on facebook and watching cooking shows all day long. Our arguments increased in severity, she chose the babies name without asking me my opinion and pretty much started taking over my living space. Our arguments that started off as discussions and ended with her running off crying dramatically had escalated to yelling and screaming and her following me around the house continuously telling me how worthless I was and how her husband was a great father and husband, etc. There was no escaping her wrath when she got started.
    Soon after, the baby was born. We were a happy couple, with a bundle of joy. I had ordered the pack-n-play, swing, high chair, care kit, car seat, and clothes off the internet. It was like Christmas, the FedEX man was at our house every other day delivering the next package. I had completed a few big jobs online and we decided to take a much needed vacation, just us two and the baby. We decided to go to Daytona Beach and spend nearly a week in a nice Studio Apartment on the beach. We made some good memories.
    A year after the baby was born, her oldest child started school and her husband moved out of his moms house and got a house down the road, yay. Well everything is right here, I am centrally located in this area, 5 miles outside of the bigger city. We dealt with getting her son in school and getting his supplies and uniform in order. During the past year we had our ups and downs and split for a week here and there, it was more like a much needed break from each other. She would come back apologetic, but would resort to being verbally abusive within 2 weeks of returning “home” with me.
    I started to notice that she had this idea in her head, that I somehow was responsible for her and her husband splitting. Like, they were living in this magical fairytale and their life was perfect. We started to grow more distant and I was rapidly losing interest in her physically and emotionally. It was as if she were bi-polar, she would rapidly change her moods at the drop of a dime, over nothing. She would accuse me of things that I was not doing, such as cheating on her and talking to other women. The issue with these accusations is that she was spending more time on the “road”, she would visit her sister, her dad, etc. While me, I was working at home, on the internet, with my clients, via skype. One could only assume she was telling the truth in where she was going. I believe looking back on it now, it was intentional that she had me lie to her family about how we met, knowing it would create a situation in which I would not feel welcomed and not want to return, giving her a free pass to “visit them” whenever she pleased. I started to question her trips in my own mind and I remembered the story of the thief that was paranoid that everyone was stealing from him. It made me wonder, with this growing distance between us and her lack of respect for me, was she accusing me of cheating (when I was clearly and ever most obviously not) simply because she was the one who in fact cheating on me?
    Well finally enough was enough, I put my foot down about a month ago. I was tired of her treating me like garbage. She had successfully ran away my family and my friends with her attitude. People started losing respect for me because of the way I let her walk all over me. I personally started to lose respect for myself. I look back at it now and I realize that ever since the time she left me and ran back to her husband, I stopped caring, I stopped trusting her, and I had emotionally checked out of the relationship. I put on a good show, but deep down inside, our relationship was dead to me and I was simply hanging around because of our daughter.
    I met an old friend that I went to high school with and we hung out a few times. I explained to this friend my current situation and was completely honest and open with her about the issues I had recently went through with my daughters mom. My friend was very understanding and we hung out some more. Well the first night my friend came over to watch movies on netflix, my ex comes by. She starts beating on the door violently and I realize she is not going to just leave on her own. She had my daughter in her arms and was crying hysterically. Now, up until this point, she would not let me see my daughter since our break up, she called me and told me that I needed to let her and her husband raise my daughter. But as soon as she sees that I am moving on, she comes over daughter in arms “hey, I brought your daughter to see you and your inside with some WHORE” she screams. I kick her out, it was very hard to do considering my daughter is crying at this point as well. My night ends a few hours later after repeatedly apologizing to my “date”.
    For whatever reason, I end up talking to my ex again. I spent a few restless nights debating on what to do. I wanted to be there for my daughter, I didn’t want to be a absent father. I was willing to take my ex back, simply to be a dad to my child. Well good news struck, my ex got a job, which was great news really because my online work after 3 years had finally slowed down and I was working maybe 3-4 jobs per month. The last two weeks of my life I have spent babysitting my daughter while my ex went to work. She never seemed to have a steady schedule of any sort, it was always 30mins to 1hr off in time difference each day. Like the mailman in a sense. I sat here for the two weeks thinking “what the heck am I doing”?
    From what I have learned from this woman over the years, I know a few things are certain. I started to realize, she is not working for “us”. Since I have known her and from the stories from her life before meeting me, she has only worked 3 jobs her entire life. She has only had one residence of her own and she only kept that for 3 months before losing it. I have watched her lie to her family and her husband to get money from them. I realized, she has essentially lived off of other people her entire life. If you ever confront her about anything or simply try to explain your feelings towards a situation she either cries like a baby or screams like a maniac. Essentially she is a bully, a manipulator, and a selfish individual.
    She came home today for lunch. She had just received her first paycheck as well as a child support payment. I asked her if I could borrow $40 until next week. I needed to get some laundry soap, body wash, shampoo, and other toiletries. She absolutely exploded on me and proceeded to tell me how worthless I was. I calmly told her that after she finishes work, she needed to get her things and find some place else to live. She stormed off and went back to work. She ended up coming home nearly 2 hours early (which again begs the question on what her real schedule actually was this whole time) and started to pack her things.
    I lit a cigarette and leaned back in my chair and said “Do you realize, that for two and a half years, I have supported you and your children. I have put a roof over your head, clothes on your backs and food in your stomachs? The past few months have been hard, but I managed the best I could and no one ever went without. I asked you for $40 and you immediately throw everything I have ever done or said up in my face, you have a laundry list of stuff you find wrong with me. Do you know why I have been distant with you lately? Because I have come to realize that you’re too selfish to care about our family. I knew when you got your first check you would be out the door as opposed to helping out with things around here.” and I left it at that. She blew up and started saying things along the lines of “She is not even your daughter, she is **** (her husbands)” in an attempt to hurt me in any way she could.
    It’s not that she loves me and was making an effort to stop the chain of events from happening, it was more like; I’m going to hurt you as bad as possible, because I hate you for ruining my perfect life that I had. The night ended with me telling her if she came around again, I would call the cops on her. I miss my daughter, but at this point we cannot be civil about matters and she knows that’s the only way to hurt me, so she is denying me the right to see my child. Now Florida Law is backwards, her husband because they were married at the time of birth, has to first prove he is not the father of my child, as of right now I have no legal rights to my daughter. The hospitals here will not let another person sign the birth certificate because she was married. Again she tells me to leave her alone and let her and her husband raise my child. That’s not going to happen.
    I have to go to my child support enforcement office and open a case, at which point they will serve us all and do DNA testing (I assume). The issue I have now though, is that work has come to a stand still nearly and I cannot afford child support. I know each case is handled differently and I may end up with an amount that I can afford, but I know there is the risk of the judge ruling I am more than capable of working more (even though our unemployment is the highest in the state) and ordering an amount that I cannot pay. It’s a risk that has the potential to end with me being in jail. As much as I love my daughter, I don’t want to be thrown in jail for contempt of court because I fell behind too far on child support.
    At this point in my life I am utterly alone. I don’t have friends any more, they are all long gone. And my family is too embarrassed to even speak to me, I guess they are ashamed of me for ending up with someone like this that is denying them the chance to be grandparents, etc. So here I am, on the internet telling my story. I don’t know if I’m asking advice or merely unloading a couple of years of backed up emotions.
    I am torn because I want my daughter here. But, I want this woman to run back to her husband and have her deal with him and realize that he is not father of the year. Nor is he husband of the year. She needs to realize why she left him and started trolling the internet for dates to begin with. I am trying to be an adult and not get emotional about the things she said to me and the threats she made about changing my daughters last name. Those are things I just have to accept if they come to be. Don’t get me wrong, this is not a regret note. I have no ambitions of getting back together with her and I am content with hanging out with new people (I have never had trouble meeting and dating people). I just want to be with my daughter.
    I think my best course of action is to detach from her entirely. I need to focus on getting a job on paper with a steady paycheck. At that point I can go to Child Support Enforcement and then open a case. It’s not the quickest solution, but I think it is the most logical. She is going to play games about me being able to see my daughter and hold her hostage towards me, if I get to see her at all. I think it’s like the saying “don’t feed the trolls”, if I don’t play her game and just focus on bettering my life now for me and my daughter, it would do more damage to her than any name calling or spite I could think of. It’s just important for my daughter to know that I am not abandoning her, but she is far too young to understand what is happening.
    I am starting to ramble now, so I will end this here. I apologize for starting sentences with prepositional phrases, my poor grammar and run on sentences.
    I applaud anyone who took the time to read this in it’s entirety. Thanks for your time.
    Random Restless Internet Guy.

    July 29, 2013 at 12:21 pm #36110

    I read it all. I am deeply sorry for everything you had to endure, I can’t imagine going through such ridiculous and unnecessary events without going crazy myself. I hope you are able to see your daughter, as well as deal with your ex as little as possible, so you can return to a normal, productive, and stable life.