Was I stood up or did she not see it as a date?


Was I stood up or did she not see it as a date?

  • Hayley Matthews Hayley Matthews
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    February 27, 2018 at 5:55 pm #166531
    Was I stood up or did she not see it as a date?

    I met a 20-year old woman recently via a hiking club during a club-organised weekend away and got on very well with her and have contemplated asking her out. The dilemma I have is that I am not sure whether she saw a friendly recommendation I made regarding a concert as just that or saw it as a date and her non attendance was her way of letting me down gently so to speak.

    To clarify, I told her I was attending a free, 45 minute concert at 6pm right outside where she lives after which she asked more about it and said she would check her diary and think about attending (the concert was the following day on Friday.) I didn’t explicitly invite her, and as bizarre as it may sound, I actually only told her so that she didn’t think I was stalking her if I bumped into her by chance. Just for the record, I have never actually been accused of doing this, but I always get dreadfully self-conscious of how chance encounters might be seen by the other party if it was predictable by myself, so I always try and tell people if I am likely to bump into them by chance due to plans I have made. However, her response initially made me think I had accidentally asked her on a first date.

    However, she subsequently didn’t show up and I now have absolutely no idea how to interpret this. On one hand, she knew where she could find me alone if she wanted to see me, so I don’t know if not showing up was her way of indicating that she is not interested in pursuing a relationship with me at this time without explicitly saying no, or whether she simply saw it as a friendly recommendation and thus thought nothing of not attending because she was busy, had better plans or that the music simply wasn’t to her taste.

    I am therefore unsure whether I should try asking her out a bit more directly, such as gauging her interests a bit more and saying I can get tickets to something and explicitly invite her, or whether she has declined me in her mind and a more direct invitation could be construed as harassment.

    For some further context, I had mentioned earlier that same evening to her that I wasn’t sure whether I would be living in the same city for much longer (this remains uncertain at this stage) and I have seen her three times since then and there didn’t seem to be any awkwardness between us nor did she mention anything about the concert nor did she seem to be trying to avoid me, and she often mentions that her schedule is very busy. I have no reason to doubt that she sees me as a friend. I just don’t know whether I should accept she is not interested at this time at least or try again, as she seemed, before this, to be my best chance of successfully pursuing a relationship.

    Any advice on this would be much appreciated as I have always struggled to gauge how people see my actions and do not wish to inadvertently cause my friend any distress. Many thanks.