Will not have sex until relationship commitment and other things

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Will not have sex until relationship commitment and other things

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  • Hayley Matthews Hayley Matthews
    DatingAdvice.com
    September 9, 2018 at 2:27 am FORUM ANNOUNCEMENT

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    greenbook
    greenbook
    Participant
    June 15, 2018 at 1:55 am #177089
    Will not have sex until relationship commitment and other things

    I’m a middle aged man who is thinking about getting back into dating. One of the issues I have always had is that while I am not religious, I absolutely will not get physically intimate with a female partner until we’re not only committed, but have a high level of trust, emotional intimacy and good communication. Sex is very involved with my emotional world. I also feel communication to the key to great sex in a long term relationship. I will admit that I had a broken childhood. I never developed safe emotional attachments with either parent. Mental illness plagues the family. I was bullied and was in and out of hospitals my whole childhood due to health issues. I’ve worked and worked and worked with therapist for many years to undue the damage. Despite my vulnerabilities and fears, I have a lot to give.. But it’s really important that my date understand my history before we have sex.

    greenbook
    greenbook
    Participant
    June 15, 2018 at 8:16 am #177090

    I want to feel secure that she still loves me and is attracted to me as a man despite my willingness to show emotional vulnerability. I know the stereotype is that women are supposed to love emotional vulnerability in guys, but it sort of destroys the knight in shining armor myth. As Dr. Brene Brown talks about in her “Daring Greatly,” book, so many women are raised in families where their dads never showed emotional vulnerability in terms or expressing weakness, pain, being indecisive, showing confusion, being scared, etc. I am not talking all the time, but at times. Mom being with the husband validates that form of masculinity to the daughter as being what a man should be. The brothers are raised the same way. And then we have all these cultural institutions from Disney films to sit coms to romance novels to Cosmo magazine that look down upon male emotional vulnerability. Even in a subtle way.

    greenbook
    greenbook
    Participant
    June 15, 2018 at 8:16 am #177091

    Dr. Brown has encountered women who become “disgusted” with their men who show real emotional feelings at times. They start becoming unattractive to them and question whether they will be “protected” enough. Again, I am not talking about a man who is an emotional doormat who need counseling before a relationship. I am talking about the basic right to be a human being. I cry at times. I hurt. I have illnesses. I get scared at times. I want to talk about it, and not be kicked out of the bedroom. I haven’t encountered many guys in my situation, but all of us has encountered at least one woman in a relationship who couldn’t handle the vulnerability. It was like I was destroying a myth.

    dashingscorpio
    dashingscorpio
    Participant
    June 16, 2018 at 11:30 am #177214

    Life is a (personal) journey!

    Each of us gets to (choose) our own friends, lovers, and spouse.
    Each of us gets to have our own mate selection process/ “must haves list”
    Each of us gets to have our boundaries and “deal breakers”.

    Generally speaking it’s not usually the woman who is pushing to have sex right away.
    Odds are you will have no problem finding a woman who wants to establish a relationship before having sex.

    Needless to say it’s probably not a good idea to dump your complete biography on anyone early on.
    Women in particular want a guy who is (interested in them) as oppose to them being required to fix a man.

    If someone is not “into you” then their observing you crying in pain is not going to cause them to be empathetic.
    Vulnerability is best reserved for relationships where love, trust, and openness have been established.

    People say relationships are hard work. However the real hard work is in finding the (right) mate!
    Best wishes!

    greenbook
    greenbook
    Participant
    June 17, 2018 at 10:06 am #177234

    Please disregard this topic. I didn’t realize that there was a word limit for posts. I need 4x more space to explain myself. I tried to reply, but the site wouldn’t let me. This topic is way too complicated for me to address with a site that has word limits. I tried to delete this thread. This site needs a delete option for posters. Is there even a webmaster for this site??? If so, I’d like for this thread to be eradicated. I have sent at least 5 emails to the “contact us” web form on this site (both about this post and other issues), and no one has ever emailed me back. If anyone has an email address to the webmaster, I would appreciate it. Thanks.

    greenbook
    greenbook
    Participant
    June 17, 2018 at 10:24 am #177235

    Needless to say it’s probably not a good idea to dump your complete biography on anyone early on.
    Women in particular want a guy who is (interested in them) as oppose to them being required to fix a man.

    Obviously, I understood this quite early, which is why I got into therapy in my early 20’s. As a counselor once told me, in addition to not wanting to dump that much stuff on to a date’s lap so early on (it’s just too early), that’s not what YOU ARE. It’s a small part of you, and it is mostly what other people did to you. What you want to be loved for is not a guy who was victimized, but someone who has all these other qualities, whether it’s your verbal wit, your strong ethics, your empathy, you listening ability, your cooking talents, etc. And also how you have used your broken childhood and all the years of therapy to become a better person , and so much more understanding of people and the things that everyone struggles with.

    greenbook
    greenbook
    Participant
    June 17, 2018 at 10:35 am #177236

    Moreover, as counselor once said to me, a woman who you are on a 2nd date with hasn’t EARNED THE RIGHT to find out about your childhood was and how much you still struggle with things. Trust doesn’t come right away. It takes time. It should be a PRIVILEGE to find out stuff like that. Moreover, someone who are hardly knows you who hears about your difficult past is likely to violate your privacy. The only thing that I would mention is that while I agree that most HEALTHY women don’t want to be required to FIX a man, most of my women friends who have gotten involved in situations like this have been with a guy who has never put one foot in a therapist’s office. I have 20 years of therapy experience. These men have ZERO idea about their emotional world and where their feelings are coming from. By not having this knowledge, they take it out on other people in many forms (anger, stonewalling, etc.). They blame their partner for ALL their person problems. I am well past that.

    • This reply was modified 3 months ago by greenbook greenbook.
    greenbook
    greenbook
    Participant
    June 17, 2018 at 11:04 am #177240

    My number one goal when I stepped into therapy at 23 was this: “I want to understand my emotional world. I want to understand where my feelings are coming from so that I can explain it to a future relationship partner so that she can not only understand me, but where I can also suggest ideas about how she can help me without it detracting from her own journey towards growth and well being. Moreover, I want to do the exact thing for HER, because part of my growth, is trying to help someone I dearly love who is receptive to it. The end result is that both people help each other grow, but not in this disingenuous way that we see with people online who say, ” I am 100% happy, and all I am looking for is a gal/guy to add on to my happiness.” People who say this need therapy. No one enters into a love relationship w/out RED FLAGS. The question is how they are dealt with within the relationship, and that goes back to what I was talking about previously.

    greenbook
    greenbook
    Participant
    June 17, 2018 at 11:14 am #177242

    I dated that girl six years ago who said that she was 100% happy and just wanted to have a man in her life who could add on to her happiness. She was a very successful businesswoman who could give you the best TED talk in the world. But she was an emotional wreck, and in total denial about it. As the most successful couples therapist in the world says, Dr. Sue Johnson, your partner has the ability to comfort you or hurt you in ways that are huge because it’s the one relationship that most closely resembles the mother/infant relationship in terms of its emotional depth. The combination of friendship and sex/romance brings about a bond that is deeper than you can have with your best friend. She has done MRI study after MRI study that shows that when couples fight or feel like they’re not being understand, the flight or flight part of their brains look no different than if they are being chased by a pride of lions. It’s hard being in a relationship, but it is the most rewarding work.

    greenbook
    greenbook
    Participant
    June 17, 2018 at 11:20 am #177243
    Reply To: Will not have sex until relationship commitment and other things

    Anyway, this getting way off topic from my original topic. I just get concerned when people say that they don’t want to “fix someone.” I will never forget a male caller who called and spoke with Dr. Drew, Dr. Sue Johnson and one of her proteges. This poor man as a teen was raped by his cousin and his friend. When he resisted, the friend injected him with heroin so that he would be submissive. Thankfully he survived but he was psychologically damaged forever. You never get over a rape. This man had been in therapy for 15 years, but was getting lonely and really wanted to date women. However, he has been told by his long time male counselor that he shouldn’t tell a new date until 3 months into the relationship about his experience. That it would be too much for her. Dr. Sue groaned and said, “How about more like three dates!”. Within the three months, the topic of sex is going to come up!

    greenbook
    greenbook
    Participant
    June 17, 2018 at 11:31 am #177244
    Reply To: Will not have sex until relationship commitment and other things

    Moreover, if she reaches out to kiss, you’ve said it might make you uncomfortable. You HAVE TO tell her about this. Explain you’ve been in therapy for 15 years, and that you don’t expect her to be your therapist. You are dealing with it. But that you also need to ask for her patience & understanding. See what her response is. If she freaks out, leave her immediately because she isn’t the right partner for you. But my experience is counseling is that many women will be understanding & continue to date you – especially because of you mentioning your therapy and how you don’t expect her to be “mommy.” The protege chimed in and said, “And she could very well become even more interested in you because of your guts to talk about your issue and your emotional maturity in dealing with it.” Dr. Sue came back in: “At some point, you have to start dating. There is NEVER going to be a magical moment when you’re perfect for dating. NEVER.” That spoke volumes to me, although I’m not a rape victim.

    Mkbonz
    Mkbonz
    Participant
    June 22, 2018 at 4:20 am #177706
    Reply To: Will not have sex until relationship commitment and other things

    Its good you are mature to understand sex is something meaningful. Id suggeat to take it slow with women but get physical but have a limit. Also that will make them want sex more in the future.

    Carter
    Carter
    Participant
    July 3, 2018 at 3:05 pm #178650
    Reply To: Will not have sex until relationship commitment and other things

    I think for such a relationship you need very strong, honest feelings from both. I sincerely wish you to find your soul mate.