Woman I love and want back is dating my friend. Do I talk to him?

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Woman I love and want back is dating my friend. Do I talk to him?

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  • Hayley Matthews Hayley Matthews
    DatingAdvice.com
    October 10, 2018 at 12:35 am FORUM ANNOUNCEMENT

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    Lifestory101
    Lifestory101
    Participant
    May 2, 2018 at 1:30 pm #172046
    Woman I love and want back is dating my friend. Do I talk to him?

    I had a very close female friend that I ended up dating for about a month. Then one day she said her ex called her, and she felt like she had to give him one last chance. She broke up with me but we stayed close friends. Two months later her and her ex called it quits for good. I knew to wait before I asked her out again. Then on April 1st, she told me that one of my friends that we both know asked her out and she said sure. I then told her how I really felt about her and confessed my feelings for her. She replied that shes now been “thrown through a loop” and is already dating him. The problem was she asked me to keep our relationship just between us, so nobody even knew her and i dated. She is very private with relationships. This friend of mine always talks about “bro codes” and don’t date friends exes or girls that a friend has already called “dibs” on, which I am really not crazy about. Should I talk to him politely and explain everything? If he tells her, it will break her trust

    Lifestory101
    Lifestory101
    Participant
    May 2, 2018 at 1:35 pm #172047

    I feel like if I talk to him politely there are two outcomes: 1. He respects what I said and steps aside, allowing me to date her 2. He tells her, and she hates me forever. He is always big into keeping his promise and keeping a secret if you ask him to. I just hate going behind her back and asking him. Her and I have always didcussed how important trust is and I’ve never lied to her. But I sense the conflict in her. She knows how much I love her and she still has feelings for me even though she is dating him. She said she cant just end things with him now and go back to me because it wouldn’t be fair for him. She has told me in the past that she is used to sucking it up and sacrificing her own happiness for others. I know someone will get hurt here but I cannot stand the pain any longer and sitting here silently watching them date, knowing that if he had known about her and I from the beginning none of this would have happened.

    May 3, 2018 at 2:52 am #172071

    I think the thing you need to think about the most is this… “keep our relationship” “no one to know we are dating”

    Coach_Michael21
    Coach_Michael21
    Participant
    May 3, 2018 at 4:20 pm #172136

    As much as it may pain you to do this, I think the best course of action is to just let this girl be and try to find others to date. It sounds like there are too many potentially volatile forces at work here that could end up sabotaging your happiness, your established friendships and your trust with multiple people. You need to ask yourself: Is getting together with this girl worth the risk of potentially alienating yourself not only from her, but your friend? Do you really want to break trust with people just to get a date? Would it be easier to look elsewhere for romance, and preserve the friendships I have made here? Only you can answer those questions. Also, are you quite sure she still has feelings for you? If she did, do you think she would have left this other guy by now to be with you? Why hasn’t she done that yet? In my experience, when a woman wants to be with you, she will do everything she can to be with you, and there won’t be any conflict or question in her mind.

    Lifestory101
    Lifestory101
    Participant
    May 4, 2018 at 8:37 am #172145

    Coach,
    It’s just really hard because I feel like her and I are closer friends than anyone else we know, and I feel like she sees me as the back up guy and is almost feeling like she is now stuck in a relationship with him. I don’t mind alienating myself from him. He was never really much of a friend anyway, and she is more important to me than anything. I know she still has feelings for me. Her and I have discussed them before and I know she wants a relationship with me again, just probably not right now. My cousin told me that I’ve told her how I feel, and she still wants to hang out with me so that’s a good sign because most girls would break off a friendship with a guy if he told her what I said and are dating someone else.

    Lifestory101
    Lifestory101
    Participant
    May 4, 2018 at 8:37 am #172146

    Coach,
    Getting back with her is worth ruining my friendship with this guy. He was never a close friend to begin with, and I feel like her and I cannot deny our feelings for each other. I have never cared for/loved someone as much as her. Her and I have the closest friendship/relationship than anyone else I know. I know she still has feelings for me because when I have discussed how I feel with her, she always listens and gets teary eyed and nods her head, but then says stuff like she doesnt know what to do because she is already dating him and wouldnt want him to get mad. I told her not to worry about him getting mad, and do what she believes she wants and is best for HER.

    Coach_Michael21
    Coach_Michael21
    Participant
    May 6, 2018 at 7:27 pm #172316

    Hi Lifestory,

    Thank you for your replies, and updates on this situation.

    OK, so ending the friendship with this guy is no big deal to you.. got it. So this leaves us with what’s going on with both you and this girl. There are still some issues here that I find a bit concerning. Firstly, when you guys talk, you say that she understands where you are coming from and gets teary eyed, yet she refuses to leave this other guy. What exactly is she afraid of? Do either you or her have any reason to believe that this guy poses a threat if she were to leave him? If there is a reason to be concerned about him, perhaps it would be better for her to get help from a professional who is skilled in handling these matters, rather than yourself. You don’t want to be the one at the center of a possible safety violating situation for her or yourself if that’s the case. She needs to see some kind of professional advice to make things go smoother.

    Coach_Michael21
    Coach_Michael21
    Participant
    May 6, 2018 at 7:36 pm #172317

    Secondly, you say you have cared more for her than anyone else. If I may ask, how long have you known this girl? What has she done for you to make you feel this strongly for her after one month of dating? I am asking because I want to make sure you are not blindly falling head over heels for a girl without strong reason.

    Thirdly, you said that you two were dating for a month, but then she left you and went back with this guy because she had to give him one more chance. To me, it seems like she views him as the frontrunner for her heart, and you are more of a backup. I know that may be tough to hear, but girls who view you as #1 are going to treat you as such, and not go back to their ex while in the midst of dating you. I’m worried that you have fallen too hard, too fast for this girl, and now your idea of the relationship has taken on a larger role in your mind than it deserves to. I also feel that this relationship is causing you a whole lot more pain at this point than pleasure.

    Coach_Michael21
    Coach_Michael21
    Participant
    May 6, 2018 at 7:50 pm #172318
    Reply To: Woman I love and want back is dating my friend. Do I talk to him?

    So with all of these things, from returning to her ex, to seeing this other guy, to not leaving him later on, it just looks to me like she sees you as someone who is an option, but not the main option. If you think about it, she has now done this to you twice, once with her ex, and again with this new guy. I’m not sure about you, but I don’t like being any woman’s “second place” no matter how attracted I am to her. You have to answer the question in your mind of whether or not being this girl’s friend and second in line while she continuously dates other men is worth it to you. Or, is it better to keep searching for other amazing girls who will put you first?