How (Not) to Behave On a First Date

I’ve come to the realization that the reason I am single and unemployable is because I treat every date like a second job interview and every job interview like a first date.

If you attend a job interview wearing something slutty (applicable to both males and females, gay and straight) and go on a first date looking extremely well-groomed and professional, you’re certain to give the wrong impression both times.

No one wants to employ someone who looks like they’ve just tumbled out of a brothel, and no one on a first date wants to go home with someone who looks like they are going to audit the contents of their kitchen and then give them a crash course in accountancy. (Unless of course, you met on a dating website for auditors and accountants).

The way you behave on a first date, be it at a bar, a restaurant or a nightclub, denotes exactly how you’re going to behave once you’re naked and horizontal.

A fussy eater in a restaurant is never going to come up with the goods sexually.

If you can’t get your mouth around some meatballs and spaghetti without feeling self-conscious, then the chances are you’re not going to feel comfortable taking off your underwear and swinging from a chandelier, and if a person isn’t capable of showing some rhythm on a dance floor, then they are certainly not going to know the right moves in bed.

In fact, it’s the perfect time for me to get roaring drunk, say totally inappropriate things and then break down crying.

After all, if someone isn’t interested in me at my worst, why the hell should I let them see me at my best?

I’m thinking a first date is the perfect setting to try this method of reverse psychology. I’ve been on candlelit dates and sat listening intently, smiling in all the right places and nodding like a dog in the back of a station wagon, to someone in whom I have no interest at all.

So next time I’m on a date with someone I really like, I’m going to set fire to the tablecloth, douse the flames in some gin and then start dancing provocatively around the restaurant.

It may not give the right impression, but it will certainly make sure it’s a memorable one. In the dating world, crazy, sexy and dangerous is a much better option than safe, boring and dull.

“You only have one chance to make

a first impression on a first date.”

So even if they are begging you to sit down, just ignore them. They are secretly falling in love with you.

If you’re feeling anxious about your first date, it is perfectly acceptable to do whatever it takes to make you relax.

If you’re meeting in a bar, then arrive a little early and knock back a few shots of tequila. It is far better to be relaxed and half-dressed than nervous and buttoned up.

Why would anyone want to go on a date with a “stuffed shirt” when they could be hanging out with someone in a pair of loose pants?

The cutoff point for drinking on a first date is if you should start feeling seriously unwell or (god forbid) are vomiting profusely.

It can have serious repercussions not only on your outfit but also on the sexuality of your date.

The first girl I ever went out with got drunk and vomited all over my jeans. It was at that exact moment I realized I was gay and my only use to a woman would be to hold her hair out of her face while she was sick.

I have had to do this for almost every female friend I have ever had since becoming an adult. I make a much better gay friend than boyfriend.

The rules are there no rules. Whatever feels inappropriate you should do with gusto. Whatever seems polite and right is totally and utterly wrong.

Think about your future together because that’s when it’s the time for you to become boring and staid. Your first date is the perfect opportunity to show a complete stranger exactly what you’re capable of, so behave like a wild bull that needs taming rather than an old cow that’s gone lame.

You only have one chance to make a first impression on a first date, so make sure it’s one that counts.

So what if it ends up being for one night only? At least you will have made sure it’s a night they will never forget.