What I’m Getting My Husband for Valentine’s Day

For the longest time, I could think of few things more boring than yoga. When I first heard about hot yoga, I thought it was the worst idea ever.

Nothing sounded less appealing than having to contort myself in a heated room while sweating profusely.

But then some guy invited my best friend to a Bikram class.This was my downfall.

My friend confirmed my worst suspicions. She said hot yoga was every bit as awful as we had imagined it would be, but she still kept going anyway.

I laughed behind her back. I laughed in front of her face. She laughed with me, but then she continued to go.

“I hate doing hot yoga,” she said, “but I like what it’s doing to my body.”

It took a few months, but I began to see what she meant.

All her life she’d struggled to lose the paunch around her belly and get her thighs toned. Slowly, I watched her develop this super hot, hot yoga body.

I couldn’t help but be reminded of how hot she was looking because she started running around in these really cute new Lululemon outfits.

Not for her, but for me. (Isn’t it great how I am able to make my friend’s success all about me? Am I a good friend, or what?)

Then one day my BFF announced she was a size 8. I groaned inwardly at hearing this.

If I wanted one of those bodies, I was going to have to get my big butt out of my office chair and into a hot yoga class or two.

I’ve been going almost a month now. It’s not as bad as I thought it would be.

It’s miserable, but doable. I found myself a buddy to go with me three times a week, which does help a lot.

“I am perfecting Eagle’s Pose to perform

for my husband in the nude.”

“You’re continuing to go,” he said, enthusiastically. That wasn’t exactly the answer I was looking for.

Even if I am not looking hot, I wanted him to tell I looked hotter.

In truth, I don’t know if I’ll ever have a hot yoga bod. Is this even possible if you start doing yoga at 50?

If I never get a cute yoga body, I can perfect these poses and do them in the nude for my husband. Now, that will be a real turn on.

I envy all those girls who started doing yoga in their 20s and 30s. They’re so lucky.

Growing up in the Midwest in the ‘70s, no one thought much about exercise or diet.

And speaking of diet — does my foray into hot yoga also mean I have to start eating at Cafe Gratitude and drinking Kombucha?

I don’t think I can do Cafe Gratitude, with the spiritually-themed menu and ridiculous table topics, and Kombucha? Really?

For those of you who don’t know, according to Wikipedia, “Kombucha is an effervescent fermentation of sweetened tea that is used as a functional food.” (Functional food?)

Whatever it is, it’s rancid. When people look at me and say, “I love Kombucha,” I know they just are just one step away from telling me unicorns and fairies are real.

Kombucha is a taste I will only acquire in another lifetime. Hey, a girl’s gotta draw her lines somewhere.

Meanwhile, I am perfecting Garudasana (Eagle’s Pose) to perform for my husband in the nude.

After that comment he made, this is what he’s getting for Valentine’s Day!