How To Know If Its Love Or Lust

Men's Dating

How to Know if it’s Love or Lust

Nick Slade

Written by: Nick Slade

Nick Slade

Nick spent 20 years in the dating scene before marriage. He has always been the guy friends would come to for advice on relationships, and he developed a knack for giving helpful insights. After college, Nick was a disc jockey for a few years, when the love generation was still alive, so Nick has a lot of relevant experience to draw from when it comes to every aspect of dating, falling in love and screwing things up. He holds Bachelor's degree in humanities and a slew of master’s credits in journalism. Nick is a news junkie and tries to keep up on the latest non-fiction when he has time. He has published two books on how to win at dating and relationships.

Edited by: Lillian Castro

Lillian Castro

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Love and lust are not feelings that are exclusive of one another. In fact, the best relationships have both passion and compassion, tenderness and heat, making love and having sex.

For us men, it is usually the lust that comes first, and if she is the right woman for us, she will magically transform it into love.

Still, there are times we just aren’t sure if we truly love her or if we are just in it for the physical attraction and great sex. It might help if you examine your real feelings by asking yourself these questions:

1. Is she trying to force you?

Never let a woman tell you when it’s time to be in love. She falls in love quite differently than you do. Her motivations and her timeline are not at all like yours. The script that nature has written for her is different from yours — opposite, even.

By nature, she seeks stability and one man to protect her, give her a strong offspring and provide for their long-term survival. Your natural script tells you to make a hundred babies so that a few strong ones will survive on their own.

When a woman falls in love, she will often expect the same from us right away. She might start by laying a guilt trip on us.

  • “I love you, but you don’t love me.”
  • “I put more into this relationship than you do.”
  • “Is there something wrong with me?”
  • “Why don’t you love me?”

And then come the tears.

Love is actually much easier for her. She wants one guy. You want a hundred women. Love gives her everything she wants, but a man’s first perception is that love is a trap that ends his life as he knows it.

If you think she might be the one, just hold her and reassure her that you are on a track that will probably lead to love. You just have to let it happen one step at a time.

Let her know your heart and body belong to only her right now and that if you try to rush the words and the commitment, you might just get scared and bolt. Ask for her patience.


“Once you know you need her, you are

likely to find a paradise that will fulfill your life.”

2. Do you fear losing control of independence?

Now examine your fear that love is a trap or a prison that limits you. Do you have warm feelings, but every time you imagine letting your love flow, saying the words to her, or making a commitment the cold fist of fear smacks you in the face?

The truth is, you’re teetering on the brink. It might not be time to propose, but it’s time to understand that the wonders and comfort of a woman’s love come at a price.

You may be at the point where you can choose to love her or you can choose to leave her. It’s not really fair to string her along if you don’t want to let go of your need to have other playmates.

If you’re not going to play the field, then see what love has to offer when you’re in it together.

3. Do other women look more appealing?

  • Do the friends and girlfriends of your buddies look so much better than your own girlfriend all of a sudden?
  • Does the smile on every woman’s face jump out and grab you?
  • Do you have a compelling urge to be with so many other women but you don’t really consider actually doing it?

We all have to go through a kind of “withdrawal” when we are getting comfortable with the idea of giving up all other women. Maybe forever. Holy crap! We need a “fix” of another woman’s attention or touch, but we can’t have it.

It’s normal to have fantasies running wild in our heads when our true love has sucked all of the wild and wandering blood out of our system and has cut off our circulation.

A kind of madness overtakes us as we morph into a new kind of “in love” creature. Don’t worry about it. It’s just your past life flashing before your eyes. You’re whipped.

I know, you hardly ever think about her, and when you do it’s about all of her flaws. You’re always thinking about the greener grass elsewhere. Stop.

Cold feet are a normal reaction when we lose our heart. Don’t screw things up at this crucial moment.

4. Can you imagine life without her?

So, you think that maybe you’re having these thoughts because you really don’t love her? It’s possible.

Before you decide for sure, try this: Imagine her kissing your best friend and then giggling that special laugh of hers as she pulls him into bed.

Imagine her with any other guy, responding to him the way she does to you. Are you cool with that?

Now imagine yourself alone, without her, back at square one looking for another woman who will rock your world. How does that work for you?

It’s true that you don’t know what you’ve got till it’s gone. Imagine this is your first night alone without her:

  • Do you miss her smile or the sex?
  • Do you miss the comfort of her touch?
  • Do you miss the look on her face when she opens the door?
  • Do you miss telling her about your day?

Love can be a frightening gate to pass through, but once you know you depend on her and need her to complete you, then you are likely to find a paradise that will fulfill your life rather than a prison that will constrain and limit you.

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