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|Michael Martin • 9/25/14|
Recently people have been asking me about Grindr a lot — there’s some controversy surrounding this iPhone app that GPS locates other interested gays.
Well, as it happens, I wore my Grindr T-shirt out to a bar on Saturday night as a sort of an experiment. Also, I was playing wingman, so I thought it would be fun and sexy.
Me: Hi. Nice shoes. I’m Michael.
Him: Thanks. Nice shirt.
Me: Heh. Thanks! What brings you out tonight?
Him: I meant nice Grindr shirt.
Me: Oh right! It’s ironic. I forgot I was wearing it.
Him: Um, I noticed. I noticed right away.
Me: Great. So what brings you out tonight?
Him: I don’t think I’m interested in talking to you. I don’t like people who are into Grindr. I had it and I deleted it. Thanks for saying hi.
Me: Wait. Say why?
Him: Because people like you are what’s wrong with the gay community. Everyone wants sex all the time and nobody wants commitment. I get that you’re trying to be nice, but I’m just here to meet a date and I don’t want to ruin it.
Me: OK. I’ll leave. You really have cute shoes though.
Him: Wait. I feel bad.
Him: He’s not here yet.
“Let’s stop giving each other stank face because of a
T-shirt and try supporting one another’s point of view.”
Me: No. You hate people who are into Grindr, remember?
Him: Stop it. You don’t have to make it so hard.
Me: Oh the irony. But it is Brooklyn, so I should expect a little sarcasm.
Him: OK, nevermind. If you’re going to imply I’m a hipster, then I’m done with this.
Me: OK, but you have really cute shoes on.
Him: I also have a heart and a brain, Grindr boy.
Me: I’m not a boy. You are. I’m a man.
Him: You’re so insulting. Go away.
Me: No. You’re insulting.
Him: I’d love to hear your take on that!
Me: I’d rather talk about your shoes. They are very cute.
Him: Talk to me like an adult. I’m only 23 but give it a shot.
Me: OK, adult. I’m not 23. I’m not anywhere near 23 and I look young for my age.
I wasn’t wearing my Grindr shirt tonight but my friend who does comedy with me just broke up with his boyfriend, so we’re out and about and I’m trying like hell to get him laid.
That’s why I’m talking to judgmental strangers like you in a gay bar. It’s my boyfriend’s birthday and he’s wasted right now with his college friends. But I took some time out of my schedule to hang with a friend of mine who’s recently come out of the closet.
Him: He looks nerdy.
Me: I’m sure he is much nerdier than you, which might just mean that he’s smarter than you. He’s also nicer and funnier than you.
Start getting jealous now because he’s going to write a show about gay people and he’s going to change things for us. Later on you can thank him for being so nerdy about comedy.
He told me he wanted to get laid and I have respect for him, so I put on my Grindr shirt and I’m talking to people and dancing a lot to remind him that life goes on after a breakup.
Is that OK with you?
I’m not trying to pick you up or anything. I’m just being social, and no, I’m not making it hard – you are.
Next time, just speak for yourself, kiddo.
Say, “Grindr doesn’t work for me, but if it makes you happy, have fun.” That’s a much cuter look, and we can all get along that way.
Him: I have to go. I think my date just arrived.
Me: Try to be sweet. Where did you meet him?
Him: The OkCupid app on my iPhone. It has a GPS tracker.
Me: Oh the irony.
Him: Shut up.
Me: I really do like your shoes.
I think it’s important to note he, himself, was using a GPS social media app to meet his blind date. I think it’s also important to note I was friendly and complimented him even though he was negging me the whole time.
I did lose my cool a bit when I called him a boy, but you guys should have seen him. He was so cute!
Gays shouldn’t be judging one another, especially if you’re being totally hypocritical in your judgment.
But let’s stop giving each other stank face because of a T-shirt and try supporting one another’s point of view. It’s a cuter look, don’t you think?
One more bit of advice — I met my boyfriend on Grinder.
You should use social media. Don’t let it use you.