Gay Dating

Coping with “He Didn’t Call Me Back” Blues

Brian Rzepczynski

Written by: Brian Rzepczynski

Brian Rzepczynski

Dr. Brian Rzepczynski, DHS, MSW, is “The Gay Love Coach." To sign up for the FREE Gay Love Coach Newsletter filled with dating and relationship tips and skills for gay singles and couples, as well as to check out current coaching groups, programs and teleclasses, please visit

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Edited by: Lillian Castro

Lillian Castro

Lillian Guevara-Castro brings more than 30 years of journalism experience to ensure DatingAdvice articles have been edited for overall clarity, accuracy, and reader engagement. She has worked at The Atlanta Journal and Constitution, The Gwinnett Daily News, and The Gainesville Sun covering lifestyle topics.

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You know the scenario. You go out on a first date with that incredible guy who seems like he meets all your criteria for good boyfriend material and you both seemingly had a great time.

You maybe even got a kiss and exchanged lots of flirtatious banter that raised your hopes that maybe it was “true blue” this time. But then he falls off the face of the earth despite his claims he’d call you back for a second date.

There is nothing more frustrating, right? What happened to integrity?

Worse yet, now you can’t get the injustice off your mind, ruminating about what went wrong and why he isn’t returning your phone calls or emails, and it’s making you feel crazed and depressed.

I hear from lots of forlorn men who have experienced this all-too-common situation that is unfortunately a part of dating who can’t seem to shake their disappointment.

What’s a guy to do?

While we can never truly know for sure why someone doesn’t call back after what appeared to be a great first date, some of the more common hypotheses include:

  • He wasn’t really into you and didn’t have the courage to be honest about how he felt.
  • He was really only interested in sex.

If he didn’t get it, he didn’t want to waste time going through a courtship and moved on to find someone more willing to “put out” more quickly.

If he did get it, he got what he wanted and is moving on to the next conquest.

  • Something changed in his life situation (job, health or family issues, a stressor of some kind, etc.) that altered his plans for dating being a priority in his life and he didn’t have the courtesy to inform you of this.

In a perfect world, men would be assertive and upfront about their intentions, but this is an aspect of dating we don’t have any control over.

Our energies will be better spent if channeled in more productive outlets to cope with these letdowns when they happen.


“It doesn’t serve you to allow this guy so

much ‘real-estate space’ in your mind.”

1. Self-soothe.

You’ve got to find a way to self-soothe and stabilize those nerves and reduce the physiological symptoms you’re experiencing from your anxiety and distress.

You can decrease those stress endorphins through exercise, meditation, relaxation techniques, etc.

2. Write a letter.

Write him a letter you DO NOT SEND that expresses all your anger and hurt at how he treated you, and then destroy it to ritualize your “letting go” and moving on.

This letter is for your therapeutic benefit only.

3. Get out of your head.

Engage in meaningful, productive activities that feed your sense of purpose and that will make you feel good about yourself.

This will help get you “out of your head” as you make a positive impact in another arena.

4. Continue dating.

Continue your dating quest after you’ve fully grieved your disappointment and sense of loss so your feelings of being jaded don’t get projected on to every new guy you meet.

5. Basic dating truths.

Develop some affirmations that reinforce some basic truths about dating:

  • “I deserve to be with someone who has integrity and who is enthusiastic about exploring a possible connection with me.”
  • “He did me a favor by not calling back.”
  • “This behavior screams volumes about his character and this does not match my personal requirements for a partner.”
  • “I will not emotionally invest myself in a dating relationship until I’ve had time to really get to know the guy and consistently observe his behavior in a wide range of situations to ensure he’s compatible with me.”

Create a variety of different affirmations that are believable to you that you can repeat on a daily basis so they can become internalized.

You’ll also want to pull these out during those challenging times when your mind goes back to fixating on the man who wronged you to give yourself a healthy reality check.

You will get through this! Just remember it doesn’t serve you to allow this guy so much “real-estate space” in your mind.

It’s not deserved and it holds you back from your potential. You’ll be great!

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