Gay Dating

How to Know the Man You’re Interested in is Gay

Henry Perkins

Written by: Henry Perkins

Henry Perkins

Henry Perkins is a gay progressional residing in Toronto, Canada and currently blogging on his own dating experiences at You can also follow him on twitter @PerkinsHenry.

Edited by: Lillian Castro

Lillian Castro

Lillian Guevara-Castro brings more than 30 years of journalism experience to ensure DatingAdvice articles have been edited for overall clarity, accuracy, and reader engagement. She has worked at The Atlanta Journal and Constitution, The Gwinnett Daily News, and The Gainesville Sun covering lifestyle topics.

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Five years ago, I fell in love with a Starbucks barista. My weekly caffeine budget exponentially skyrocketed, but that was just a cost to get to know my future boyfriend.

There was just one caveat: He wasn’t gay.

I didn’t think for certain he was gay — but there were certain behaviors and certain smiles that I certainly misread.

Even today my “gaydar” still malfunctions.

Gaydar is really just an intuitive (not mystical) force to recognize your own “tendencies” in other people. But projecting your traits onto others doesn’t always translate to conclusive evidence.

Since our intuition is unreliable, how can we know if he’s gay?

Well, we can’t.

If you’re wondering about someone who is potentially going to be a repeat visitor in your life, there are a few things you can do.

You may have to resort to seemingly seedy, stalker-like behavior. However, it’s fully justifiable.

Until we’re living in a truly progressive society, there is still a chance his ignorance could force him to take offense when he should really take it as a compliment.

But for now, just think of yourself as a gay detective and you’re on the most fabulous case:

1. Grindr is your instant gay Rolodex.

I’ll always have Grindr on when he’s around. If he’s nowhere to be found on the app, perhaps his profile picture is just lacking his physical profile. He’ll at least see my smiling face if he logs on.


“If I happen to know people he knows,

I’ll try to make friends with them.”

2. Befriend his friends.

If I happen to know people he knows, I’ll try to make friends with them.

I don’t have to work my way to BFF status, but building a trust with this person could lead to asking, “Is he gay?” if I’m extremely comfortable or, “Does he have a girlfriend?” if I’m still unsure.

3. Engage in friendly (but direct) conversation with him.

I’ll ask a few key questions to get a few key pieces of information.

“You look familiar. What high school did you go to?” or  “Where do you work?” will give me useful answers for the next step…

4. Facebook stalk him.

A first name and just one small piece of information is usually all that’s needed to find him online.

For example, his name is Mike and he works at a public library. Do a mass search for the name Mike and then filter the city and workplace.

You may have to get creative, but finding his public profile and seeing his photo album entitled “Montreal Pride 2010” will make it worth it.

5. Twitter stalk him.

Finding him on Twitter is a bigger challenge. Firstly, it’s tough to get a handle on what his handle might be.

If you do manage to track him down, check his followers. This should give you an indication of his interests and personality.

Just note: If he follows Megan Fox, stop following him.

Happy hunting!

“Is he gay?” Readers, what signs do you look for that tell you the man you’re interested in is gay? I’d love to hear your tips!

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